Facing Reality

As I was leaving this morning to attend my Saturday Gamblers Anonymous meeting my daughter asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to a meeting like I have done so much in the past six months. She then asked me when I was going to STOP going to these meetings. I told her with the grace of God I will continue to go to these meetings the rest of my life. (I know this goes against the one day at a time concept I have relayed prior but trying to explain this to a seven year old may have been difficult so I tried to keep my answer as simple as possible.) My daughter then asked me if she could go? How sweet is this; she didn't care I was going to a GA meeting she wanted to be part of my life. I told her she might be bored at the meeting and she said, "I can bring a coloring book and some other things to do so I won't be bored". Again, how sweet is this?? I told her I took her to a meeting a few weeks ago along with her Mom and brother. (It was a GA birthday celebration and family members are welcomed to come.) She seemed okay with my answer of having her not attend the meeting but the simple fact she wanted to go with me certainly warms my heart.

It is these little moments which add up to a lifetime a pure goodness. My children and my wife are extraordinary individuals and I so love them very much.

After the GA meeting I went to the gym to try and do some running on the treadmill. I hurt my calf about 10 days ago running and haven't run since; I have only done cycling and weights in the meantime. The calf was feeling better but I decided to take it as slow as I could. As I was walking (a rarity for me!) on the treadmill one of the regular runner ladies came over to me and asked me; "did you hurt your knee or hip?" Not did you hurt your knee or hip because she could see how I was laboring on the treadmill. I explained my malady in my calf and she told me about the problem she had in her hip caused by running. (See what you non-runners are missing!!) Oh the bond we runners have; it is either a knee sprain, hip flexor, calf issue or foot problem but we can all relate on some level.

After this conversation I continued to walk on the treadmill because there wasn't any more pain in my calf and like I have written before I really want to run in the New York City Marathon in November. I may not run because my calf started hurting after I completed my 70 minute session. During my time on the treadmill I noticed out of the corner of my eye a person who is very dear to me and I haven't seen in over six months. I knew the time would come when I would see this person because we both belong to the same gym. I am not sure if this person saw me because they continued their workout. As I was walking on the treadmill and later on the elliptical machine I was pondering if I should go over to this person and offer an apology. I went back in forth in my head and what I really was afraid of was rejection. I really respect this person more so than anyone I have ever worked with in the past. This person is directly responsible for me coming to Southern California and I let this person down immeasurably.

I didn't want to face my reality and have him reject me to my face but I made up my mind after my session on the elliptical machine I would go over to this person and say I was sorry and if they didn't want to talk to me then so be it. I didn't get the chance because as I glanced up I saw this person walk out the front door and I didn't want to make a big scene and run after them. I guess I was a little chicken or I would have ended my workout a little earlier and approach this person. Yes, I do feel horrible for what I have done to so many people who trusted me and believed in me. My reality is that I let them all down. I betrayed many of these people with my actions and I apologize. Yes, it is so much easier to do this in this forum but it is a starting point.

I spend each day trying to make amends for my actions and each day there is no betrayal of anyone including myself. I am finally doing the right things and making the right decisions. Out of every negative situation comes a positive and I have discovered so many of those positives in the past six months and for this I am so grateful.