Pain

The theme this week from the "A Day at a Time" Gamblers Anonymous daily reflection book is pain and how pain can be transformed into something positive. I would like to quote a passage from today's selection; "May I be grateful to humility; it is the processing plant through which my raw HURTS and DELUSIONS are refined into courage and sensitivities". Pain is an emotion I have felt for the past six months and although at times I try to channel this pain into positive imagery I keep falling backwards. Today was no exception as I came away from the attorney's office. It is a culmination of years of lying, deluding and fooling myself about my SERIOUS gambling problem.

Unfortunately for me I didn't realize how bad my gambling problem was until it ruined my life and the lives of my family. It is this pain that haunts me each and every day. Through the fantastic fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous I have learned so much about myself and continue to learn more each day. Humility is the cornerstone of my recovery and I am truly humbled by my actions.

When I was gambling there were no rules and I took advantage of those rules as deemed necessary. Was it necessary for me to do the things I have done and hurt my family in the process? Absolutely not; however; I cannot undo any of those things I can only try to become the person who has rules and obey those rules; and most importantly not cause any more pain to my family.

Is compulsive gambling a mental illness? There is much debate in this field and I would welcome any leader in the field of psychiatry to examine my case. How can a seemingly successful person with a beautiful family resort to the things I have done? The desire and need to place a wager on sports outweighed any consequence and I am truly sorry for my actions. Yes, it appears I am going into the pity party yet again but I do need to get these emotions out. In the past I would trap these emotions and not feel anything. It was as if I were a robot. I am not a robot I am a human being and human beings have feelings. My feelings are like the roller coaster at Disneyland; some times they are up, sometimes they are down and sometimes they go upside down. It is how I deal with these emotions especially the negative ones which will define me as a person and the fact that I am "feeling" these emotions is a good sign.

I was going through my email inbox this morning because business has a been a little slow this week and I decided to clean out the hundreds of messages. I came across two messages from two previous co-workers and wanted to share them because it is nice to know someone outside my family cares and especially those that I have worked with. The first one is short and comes from a very wise person whom I respect immensely and I had sent this person an email with my deepest apologies; here is there response; "This was very shocking news and really unbelievable......Thanks for writing as I was wondering about you, good luck to you in the future." The fact in which this person actually responded is amazing to me. I sent the letter of apology to 30 people and only 2 responded; it takes character to not be short sided and this person has a great deal of character.

The second email came from another intelligent person and it was a response to my apology letter and in the letter I was speaking about the serenity prayer; "Yes I know the serenity prayer and I try to live by it. I was raised by an alcoholic father. I know addiction although no one can ever understand. My definition of an addicted person is one who continues in behavior that hurts the ones he loves and he cannot stop. I know how very much you love your children. I believe that you are sorry. I believe that you are a good person. I believe that it is very hard but that you must be strong for your family. They need you now more than ever. Stay the course with your counseling and believe what they say. They know. There is a future for you." The third sentence sums up addiction so very well; "I know addiction although no one can ever understand." The hardest concept for me is understanding let alone people who haven't been affected by any addiction but it is for me to acknowledge my addiction and get the help necessary to get better. These words from my previous co-workers mean so much to me because yes, there is a future for me as long as I am doing the right things and I am doing those right things one day at a time.