Helplessness and Hopelessness

Over the past six months I have faithfully attended three and sometimes four Gamblers Anonymous meetings each week; however; this past week I missed my regular Sunday and Tuesday meetings. I missed the Sunday meeting because we were having a picnic for the Labor Holiday and Tuesday was the monthly business meeting for GA called Intergroup. Yes, this is a GA sponsored event; however; it is not like a regular meeting because only "business" issues of Gamblers Anonymous were discussed. I have been feeling the effects of not attending a GA meeting and didn't want to wait until Saturday for the next meeting so I decided to drive about 40 minutes south to the Thursday GA meeting. I am so glad I did this.

I was hoping to surprise my sponsor because I know he goes to this meeting regularly but for some reason he was not there. I did know most of the members from other GA meetings and functions and I felt very comfortable. The theme of the meeting was helplessness and hopelessness and how you don't have to have these feelings. Let me digress for a little; in Gamblers Anonymous we read from a book called "A Day at Time" and in this book there are daily readings. It is amazing how this book knows my thoughts often. Today was no exception with the theme of helplessness and hopelessness. I was feeling very down because it was a court session today and yes, nothing happened I am scheduled to go back in mid October. Things should start to move (I hope?) then but until that time all I have is today. Also, for those of you keeping score at home I did find out what the filing was over a month ago (sort of). It really is much ado about nothing just some repositioning of paperwork.

Sorry about the digression; the GA meeting was just what I needed. It is amazing to me how much better I feel after spending an hour with people who have the same addiction. I have said this before; we all have different stories and different types of gambling; however; the underlying theme is the same gambling controlled all us and now we are seeking our lives back. It really is a very simple program and it has taught me so much in the past six months and I continue to learn each and every time I attend a meeting. We have a saying in GA "meetings make it" and it is so right. After five days of not attending meetings and having the court situation on my mind I needed my medication (GA meeting) and it certainly did the trick.

The meeting was quick but it was so powerful with this theme of how we all were (or still are) hopeless and helpless when we were gambling and the problems caused by gambling. It doesn't have to be this way because their is always hope. Without hope comes despair and with despair comes destructive and sometimes self-destructive thinking. No matter the situation and how bad I think it is there is so much hope which surrounds me. I need to be more mindful of this hope and stop the self pity. I am not hopeless nor am I helpless. I haven't made a bet in over six months and didn't make one today which seems to get easier as each day passes. The hard part is living with the destruction my gambling has caused my family. Dwelling on this old behavior will serve no purpose; changing this behavior will serve a purpose and no matter what happens or what the courts decide I am truly a better person. I will continue each and every day to be this better person.