Beginning

Today as I sat in the courtroom wife my wife and waited for my case to be called; my wife had ask me a question. By the way nothing happened in court because the "regular" Judge was not there so I go back in a few weeks. I have really lost tract of how many times there has been a postponement but I guess this is the way the justice system works. Getting back to the question my wife asked me as we sat in court this morning. She was asking about when I was in custody awaiting my bail arraignment and I got to thinking about the six nights I spent in the county jail before my wonderful family and friends raised the bail money.

It was a Wednesday, March 16th and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer and NOT have the police involved but (I cannot blame them at all because what I did was WRONG) my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons. In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may harm myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and it is 8 1/2 months later and I have stuck to my word.

Getting back to the faithful day of March 16th; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon time and thank God neither my daughter or son were home, they were at school. My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!

I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. It still is a blur but I do remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney. Also this same detective told the processing officer that I was being very cooperative. I guess this means they weren't going to give me a hard time which they certainly did not; everyone was very professional. I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours, I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment.

One of the officers took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. As of today the picture has NOT been in the newspaper and but there have been a few articles. I was escorted back to the holding cell and was summoned for an interview with the OR (Own Recognizance) Officer to see if I would be eligible for this type of bail release. The officer asked my several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me but I knew I had no chance of an OR release because of the suspected dollar amount but it was still part of the process.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period. I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day. I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday. After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I had to get this out and put it in writing because my brain sometimes conveniently leaves out some major details like when I was 18 years old and when I was 28 years old. I conveniently forgot how terrible I felt at those times but the feeling I had in March of this year is one I hope and pray I never forget. I can put it in its proper perspective in my recovery but I can not forget this awful feeling. I cannot dwell on this awful feeling because that will do me no good. I must continue my recovery each and every day which means abstaining from gambling, adhering to the Gamblers Anonymous Program and cherish all the blessings God has bestowed on me. Life will continue to go on and it does get better one day at a time.