Recovery

Earlier on in my recovery I had a conversation with my mother about how can a compulsive gambler stop gambling; can a compulsive gambler just say no and stop gambling; is it that easy or is it really difficult. I can only answer these questions from my own perspective and although it has been only 8 1/2 months of recovery I feel the need to address some of these questions.

I feel it is not easy but on the same token it is not hard; let me explain. When I was gambling the farthest thing from my mind was stopping; I wanted to gamble and gamble some more even though towards the end it wasn't even fun. If someone would have tapped me on the shoulder and said; "Paul, I think you are a compulsive gambler and you need to stop," I am not sure what I would have done. Most likely I would have continued to gamble and lied to that person about my gambling because I never saw myself as a compulsive gambler until the end.

Three times in my life I have tried to stop gambling because of certain events. The first episode came when I was 18 years old and owed a great deal of money to a local bookmaker. Yes, I stopped for five years but I never thought of myself as a compulsive gambler and wanted to prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. This concept lasted four years until I was 28 years old and had to declare personal bankruptcy due to my gambling obsession. Even though I listed gambling debts in my bankruptcy filing I never thought I was a compulsive gambler and sought help. I stopped for five years until I discovered the internet.

The internet was a place where I could have total anonymity and no one would know I was gambling again and this time I would prove to myself I could gamble better than anyone else. I tried to treat it like investing in the stock market and hired "professional handicappers" to pick the games. But what I soon realized their "controlled" approach was no match for my compulsive nature so I not only paid for their selections and bet them I bet my own, every day without fail for 6 years. The wagers got higher and higher and the risks I started taking got higher and higher. Then the faithful day of March 2, 2005 came and I was terminated because of where my compulsive gambling had lead me and on March 5, 2005 I entered a Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the very first time and my life changed.

I know for me it took near catastrophic events for me to stop gambling and I sure hope this last episode is the "last episode" because there is only one alternative left for me which is death. What I have learned in these past 8 1/2 months is life is so worth living and it is worth living without gambling and taking unnecessary risks.

Getting back to the original questions; for me stopping gambling was very difficult the first two times I tried because I was not honest nor open with myself. The third time I am hoping is the charm because I have been honest and open with myself and have admitted I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Gamblers Anonymous has taught me so much and continues to teach me each and every day. One of these lessons is; it is not easy to quit gambling but it also is not hard if the right tools and concepts are applied to recovery.

Quitting on my own was a very big mistake but it was something I did at the time and I can't erase history I can only move forward and make the necessary changes from inside myself with honest an open mind. My mind has been opened for the last 8 1/2 months this is why quitting has not be so hard because my gambling led me to places I would not have dreamed of and made a mess of everything in not only my life but the lives of my family, co-workers and friends.

There is a member in GA who talks of having only "one" recovery left in them and I agree because I have tried it by myself and failed miserably. Now I don't have to do it by myself and it is working each and every day. I know I am one bet away from a death spiral which is why I choose to NOT gamble today.