Money

Today as I attended the Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous something really resonated with me; one of the members was sharing and as they were sharing I finally figured out what has triggered my gambling. It may seem very simplistic and not all that exciting but what has triggered my gambling of the past was MONEY. No, it wasn't to get more money it was my ability to have money. This may not make any sense but my first real bet with a bookmaker when I was 16 years old was made when I started working my first part-time job in high school. This meant I was going to get a paycheck and I decided not to buy things with my paycheck rather to gamble; not a very intelligent move. Two years later I got into trouble with a bookmaker and owed them a lot more money than my paycheck because compulsive gambling is a progressive disease and the stakes got steadily higher.

I was let off the hook for this gambling debt and didn't return to gambling until five years later when I got out of college and started working my first real job with real money. I had a steady paycheck and again made a bad decision and started gambling. Over the course of the next four years it got steadily worse and this time I didn't owe bookmakers rather credit card companies. Again; I was let off the hook by declaring bankruptcy. Another five years goes by I get on my feet financially and discover this thing called the internet and went back to gambling because I had the ability to get money.

After 7 years I am in a horrible situation and I will NOT be let off the hook this time. All the while I never even thought about the money aspect because even though it was about the money it never was about the money. Money was a facilitator in my gambling it was never my intention to get rich from gambling. I wanted to prove to myself I could gamble like other people and I was so wrong it is not funny. I fooled myself for 23 years thinking I could get away with everything and not suffer the consequences. I am making up for lost time because what I did to myself and my family is horrendous because I was NOT honest with myself.

I cannot gamble like normal people because to me normal gambling is thousands and thousands of dollars on countless games every day. This is not normal but for the last 7 years up until about 9 months ago it was normal for me and as each day passed the stakes got higher and higher. My first bet when I was 16 years old was for $25 and my last bet was for $10,000. When Gamblers Anonymous speaks of compulsive gambling as being a progressive disease which never gets better only worse; I can tell anyone who is willing to listen GA is so very correct.

I remember going to Las Vegas when I was a freshman at the University of Southern California in the fall of 1983 and placing a wager on a Pittsburgh Steeler football game for $300 and fast forward 21 years and I was in Las Vegas and placed $15,000 worth of bets along with another $15,000 worth of bets on the Internet on baseball games on a Thursday night; just another day at the office. Yes, this was stupid and is beyond comprehension.

I have not made a wager in almost 9 months for a few reasons and the most notable reason is the Gamblers Anonymous Program and the second reason is I have finally become honest with myself. Another reason is the money and the ability to get money has diminished from my life and this is a good thing. The true test will come in 10 years when all of the legal dust has settled and life will continue to go on. I cannot get to the 10 year mark until I complete one day at a time. Today I did not gamble and I have been honest with myself and that is all I can concentrate on. I have identified a few of my character flaws and I am working to correct them. As long as I stay true to myself and my family today and not gamble life will continue to improve. It has improved so much in the past 9 months and I expect to improve one day at a time.