The Chase

First off; Halloween went very well and the children got a great deal of candy. So much candy in fact we started to recycle it back to the other treat or treaters!! I am not sure if my children enjoy getting or giving out the candy more? They certainly had a good time going around the neighbor and trick or treating but they seemed to have as good a time maybe even better giving out the candy to the other trick or treaters. Both my daughter and son stayed outside for an hour giving away our candy which was so nice to see them getting more pleasure in giving rather than receiving.

I have tried to instill in our children that it is always better to give than receive and it seems to be working. I have had my doubts when it comes to Christmas and birthdays but these little moments like giving away the Halloween candy I can see little glimpses of hope. They are great children and like I have said in the past I am blessed by God to be in their presence.

Tonight was the first Tuesday of the month and in Gamblers Anonymous this means an Intergroup meeting which is the business portion of the Program. My sponsor chairs the meeting and as is always the case the meeting went very well with some very mild diversions. When you get 50 "seasoned" Gamblers Anonymous members in a room together there seems to be a tendency to get off tract but my sponsor does a remarkable job keeping things running smoothly.

I didn't have to go the meeting alone I got to ride down with two other members and these are the times the Program works in its mysterious ways. Our drive down is about 45 minutes each way and to pass the time we talk about a number of topics such as our children's interest, GamAnon, and of course our past gambling experiences. While we were discussing our past gambling experiences we talked about the "Chase". This is the second time in as many days where I found myself addressing this subject. Yesterday someone asked me to define the "Chase" as it relates to me and tonight we were all talking about how insane the "Chase" really is.

The definition I gave about the "Chase" yesterday was a long winded almost sermon like answer. As I reflect on our discussion this evening I can sum up my answer a little more clearly. The "Chase" to me is like the dog chasing his tail which he never seems to get. My gambling career was very much like this dog. Instead of chasing my tail I chased something that was never attainable because no matter how big the win or how big the loss it was NEVER ENOUGH and wouldn't be ever enough because I could not control myself. Now I understand I was chasing something that wasn't even there it was an illusion which was created by me. I think it was created when I was conceived because it was hard wired into my brain which led me on the path of self-destruction.

I finally understand that it is just an illusion and I am not like "normal" people when it comes to gambling because I cannot stop myself. Thank God for Gamblers Anonymous because without this fantastic Fellowship I would be alone on this horrific journey. I am not alone and I don't have to do this alone. Through the grace of God and the Fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous it has been 8 months and 3 days since my last wager and my life continues to get better. The "illusion" has been put in its proper place and I choose not to chase this illusion today.