Normal

What is normal? Let's break out the old dictionary; normal as defined by Webster has different meanings. I will not go into all eight because some of them have to do with geometry and I always hated geometry (which is a story for another day). Here is a definition I can relate to: occurring naturally. Wow; to a compulsive gambler such as myself things that occur naturally to me certainly might NOT occur naturally to the rest of the world. In Gamblers Anonymous we talk about NOT being able to gamble NORMALLY ever again. Which means I must abstain from gambling. It also has another meaning to me; I do believe I have NEVER gambled normally (as it relates to the rest of the world). To me normally was ever day no matter what and the stakes kept getting higher and higher as time went by. Gambling (my drug of choice was sports betting) to me was always excessive but I didn't realize it until now.

When I was in the throws of my gambling I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop it. I had to have it no matter what. I have written this before but I placed wagers everyday for 3 straight years, talk about a compulsion. I don't know if I was born with depleted neurons (or whatever they are called) in my brain but once I made my first bet these receptors seemed satisfied but it would only last a short period of time. Then the craving came back and as the years went on the craving became "normal" to me and it was an accepted practice.

This accepted practice led me to do some very unacceptable things. However; in my delusional mind these were not unacceptable behaviors because I thought of them as acceptable. This is so baffling to understand and when I see new people come into Gamblers Anonymous and tell their story I can so relate. Their stories may involve a casino or racetrack or even lottery tickets but the desire to make the next wager was just like my desire. Thank goodness most people don't go to the lengths I have gone to so they can satisfy their desire to make a wager. However; the need and drive is all the same. Some people get off the elevator before it gets to the unacceptable behavior, I unfortunately rode the elevator all the down.

Looking back I still cannot believe how stupid I was and I kept denying everything. I was possessed with a gambling demon. This gambling demon was arrested some four months ago and I am doing everything in my power to kept it arrested each and every day. Finally, what is normal? Normal is an acceptable behavior to society not the individual. If my "normal" infringed on society's rights I sincerely apologize and I am trying to become the proper normal person that will fit into society. I certainly did not set out to perform anti-social behaviors but my gambling and unacceptable behaviors led me down a self-destructive path. Thank God I have not totally self-destructed and there is hope.