Slow Learner

Tomorrow is a court session and I already know what is going to happen; yes, you guess it postponement. My attorney has a trial tomorrow so we need to reschedule my court date to next week. Tomorrow would be the tenth time I have been to court regarding the same matters, yikes; justice is certainly not swift. I have to appear in court tomorrow even though we are postponing the matter to next week because it is required or I will be thrown back in prison. My attorney cannot make my appearance so he asked a friend of his (another attorney) to stand in to ask for the postponement; it is just a formality and should be granted. I have met his friend before so at least I am comfortable with this attorney even though it is just a matter of procedure. We do have one item we need to ask for and my attorney has instructed his friend to make the motion because this matter has gone on too long. I am not going into the matter because it is very frustrating and I am sure I will write something I will regret. I will post the outcome tomorrow.

The title of this passage is Slow Learner because this is what I am. A few of you know me very well and what I am about to write will come as no surprise but it really just hit me a few minutes ago. In Gamblers Anonymous they tell new members to replace their gambling with some other hobby and I will take it a step further make the hobby constructive. We rather me as compulsive gamblers spend so much time plotting, planning and doing the actual gambling when we stop their is a void that needs to be filled. I am no different and needed to find a constructive hobby to fill in the void and obviously this blog is filling the void along with me attending 3 or 4 GA meetings a week and along with my online compulsive gambler group and a few other things. I didn't realize this blog is really part of the reason I have no urge to gamble. I know a few of you out there are going man are you dumb and yes, but I prefer to call it learning slowly. I know my mother responded to my urge blog the other week with; you are so busy with all your other addictions you don't even time to think about gambling and of course she was right. I didn't fully realize how all my other activities have taken over my gambling addiction.

When I was gambling (sports betting) I would put the children to bed and stay on the computer for an hour watching the scores or making more bets for the second halves of the late games. Now I put the children to bed and check my email and write this blog. This is so much more constructive and hopefully my addiction to this blog doesn't lead into pitiful incomprehensible demoralization (GA term)!! My younger sister put it very nicely during her visit last week when she told me; "you really need to just let go of your compulsions every now and then it is good for more balance in your life". This is so very true; I have been out of balance for such a long time and I suspect it will take some time to regain any sense of balance. Like I said I am a slow learner but I am sure I will have some revelation regarding balance in my life but living one day at time helps me understand myself more and more.

There were two other times in my life when I created a journal of daily activities and both times I was not gambling. The first time was when I first moved out to Las Vegas, I was very bored at my job and journaled my daily events. Unfortunately my boss found out about my journal and made me stop because I was doing it on company time. She had every right to make me stop because I had no right doing this during work hours. The other time was when my daughter was born. I created an email journal to my mother regarding my daughter's first year and I did this because I was bored at work (different job) and wanted to document my daughter's first year. Hmmm maybe I am on to something and I will save this for another time. Both times I stopped journaling and started to gamble without any remembrance of what happened before in my life. I guess I really need this journal and the other things in my life to recover and live a normal happy purposeful life.

Happy birthday to Grandma also known as GG, have a wonderful 83rd!!!!