Reflections

Where would I be without the support and companionship of my wife? I really don't want to answer this question because there are no positive answers to be found. I have put her through so much yet she has been a pillar of strength. She has always been a good person and like so many other things in my life I took this for granted. I have stopped taking things for granted and started to appreciate what I have in life not what I think I should have. This was always a problem for me; I thought I should have certain things and didn't realize what I had. I have a magnificent family and I almost threw it all away on nothing. Nothing in life is as important as my family unfortunately I did not realize this when I was in the midst of my bad deeds.

There was always a small part of me that had some clarity amongst the insanity. However; this clarity was over powered by my addiction to gambling. I have a hard time understanding this but this is what happened to me. I was so driven by my addiction all other things took a back seat so I could continue my fantasy life. (I am sorry if I am starting to sound repetitive in these posts but there is so much inside me I need to get out and this medium helps me immensely.) This fantasy life almost destroyed my reality. I say almost because the people that matter most to me are still around and this keeps me going each day.

My wife had every right to pack up the kids and say goodbye but she hasn't done this and there may be very few people in this world that would have stayed by me. My wife is a saint and my children give me the strength and hope to persevere. I had a good friend who always said; endeavor to persevere. I really had no idea what this meant but I knew my friend's personality very well who was a very honest, good natured and amazing person. I would also categorized him as a "stand up" guy. He is the reason I moved to Southern California and he is also one of the many people I have let down. Getting back to his saying; endeavor to persevere; keep going in the "proper" direction no matter the obstacles in front of you. I will endeavor to persevere and make myself proud. I have to do the right things for myself and in return I will do the right things for my family.

I have to immerse myself in reality and stop falling back to the fantasy world of the past few years. It is odd how some things start out very small and before you know it snowball into an out of control situation. I must cherish and appreciate each and every day and stop wandering "what if" because there are no magic erasers that will change the past only I have the power to change today and I will.