Zoo and other items

Yesterday our family went to the San Diego Zoo. I think it was the 5th or 6th time we have gone but it is a fascinating place. The children really enjoy going and it is a very relaxing place. There are no cages (per say); the animals are confined in other ways and it feels like a natural environment. The San Diego Zoo is known for the Pandas and this exhibit is the most crowded but we were in and out in 20 minutes. For some reason it never has felt crowded like a Disney World or other type of theme park; it was a good day. The children behaved as best as they could; we packed a lunch and the weather was wonderful, this is what the definition of a perfect day with the family would be. I remember going to the zoo on other occasions and I was always worried about getting my bets in but this was not the case yesterday. I wasn't worried about sneaking away so I could use my cell phone because that urge seems to have vanished (at least for now). I need not get complacent about the urges because I know they will come and I must be ready not to act on them or it will be the end.

I spoke about blame this morning at my GA meeting and I wanted to share some of my thoughts. The easiest thing I could have done was to blame everyone for my problem and it is the ultimate cop out. I do blame myself and solely myself for what happened. No I am not going into a diatribe with self-pity I want to state the facts. I have this disease/disorder/condition or whatever it is labeled and it caused so much damage in my life. However; I still have my family and I have my myself. Without this combination there certainly is no purpose in life or for life. I have written this before I will continue to write it again; my life has a purpose and I am worth something.

I do feel horrible for the way I mistreated just about everyone. I didn't mistreat people in a conscious way I mistreated people subconsciously. I didn't go absent for days on end, I never verbally abused anyone and for the most part my physical being was part of my family's life. What I didn't do was recognize my actions and how they were mistreating myself and my family. Taking things for granted, entitlement and maybe a bigger ego than I gave myself credit for lead me to the path of self destruction. Thank goodness it wasn't total self-destruction because I have one life to live and I will lead it the correct way.

My Mother sent me something via email the other evening and the writing really hit home. When I did the things I did I really had no thought of the severe consequences and the pain I was about to inflict on everyone. When my life came crashing down on that faithful March day my mother captured the words very well. I cannot forget that day because that day is my inspiration. I am not destined to repeat my mistakes of the past (I have already done this!), I am destined to be the genuine, kind, good natured person I have always aspired to be.