Self Trust

First let me apologize for the typos in yesterday's blog. I usually proofread and spell check; however; for some reason Wonka came out as Wong and Depp came out as deaf. I don't recall seeing these written this way last night but I guess maybe the spell check changed these words. Oh well, so sorry for the typos.

I read something the other day and wanted to pass it on; self-trust requires self-knowledge, which in turn requires curiosity about oneself, stated differently, the key to building self trust is the ability to utilize one's own experience including one's mistakes, to change. The last part goes back to what I wrote yesterday, learning by my mistakes and not living by my mistakes. I always thought I had myself figured out and I couldn't be more wrong. I have taken unnecessary risks because I thought I was invincible. I got sucked into a dream world because of personal envy.

One of the articles written about my misdeeds referred to me as an officer of the company. I never thought of myself as an officer. This is one of the areas I need a great deal of help. I guess it is a self-esteem issue and an arrogance issue at the same time. I always thought of myself as a regular person but I would take unnecessary chances because of my arrogance. I am not sure if this is making much sense so please bear with me. I never expected to be treated any different because of my position yet I expected preferential treatment because of my position. Yes, I know this is a contrary statement but I was having an inner battle with myself. The two brains I possess were battling one another. The "normal" brain would be well normal and the "risk" brain would be well risky. There are some risks in this world that should be taken and there are some risks that shouldn't be taken. My inability to control my gambling led me to believe I could take risks for more of a high and I took those risks without the thought of the consequences.

None of what I am writing makes what I did right and it never will. I am trying to piece together how I could get to where I got to so I don't have to go back there again. Yes, I feel awful about what I have done and the people I have affected. If I don't deal with the mistakes of my past I destined to make those mistakes again and I certainly do not want this to happen. I need to really look inside me and keep my second brain from ruling my life.

Today I spoke with a dear friend. It was the first time we spoke since it all happened. He is a wonderful person and made me realize I have some truly amazing people in my life. I don't know how people can go through certain situations on their own. I have a such a deep loving network of caring wonderful people that are helping me get through this awful situation and I would be lost without everyone. I am not an awful person; I am a good person that did an awful thing. If I were an awful person I wouldn't have all these wonderful people caring and helping me through this difficult time. I love each and everyone of them and I thank all of you for your amazing support.

Finally, I want to wish a happy 40th birthday to one of my friends. Happy birthday Steve and many many more!!!