Uneasy

I have been feeling very uneasy for the past few days and I need to share some of these feelings. It may seem like a pity party so please forgive me. I know I have to take things one day at a time and for the most part I am living this creed. I don't have any urges to gamble because I know where that would lead. I do; however; feel awful for what I have done to my family. Who knew when I placed my first "real" wager at Pocono Downs when I was 12 years old that it would lead to this and who knew when I was programming my father's horse predictor calculator when I was 13 years old it would lead to this. What is the saying; hindsight is 20/20? I can't change any of it, I can only try my best and live each day.

What bothers me most (and by the way tomorrow is a court day and I do get very apprehensive the day before court, please bear with me) it has been almost four months and I am no closer to any resolution than I was four months ago. I know it is a slow process and I cannot change anything about the whole process so I say the serenity prayer a great deal but if I said it didn't bother me I would be lying. Yes, it bothers me but I have to deal with it the best I can.

When my case first began my attorney told me the longer it goes the better it is for me. Now I think the Deputy District Attorney has this same plan but for a different reason. I think he wants my case to last as long as possible because he may be the only Deputy District Attorney that doesn't have a multiple case load. While I am waiting in the courtroom for the judge to call my case the Deputy District Attorney is reading the newspaper. I didn't realize some of the discovery items in my case where located in the newspaper (joke!!). I haven't seen any other Deputy District Attorney reading the newspaper and in fact all of the other DA's are carrying 5,6 sometimes 7 files at time but not the one handling my case. It seems he has my case only to care about.

Yes, what I did was WRONG and I am trying to do my best to mitigate some of the wrong. However; I firmly believe the Deputy District Attorney does not want me to mitigate anything. Why has it taken 4 months to move the frozen money into a trust account where it can earn interest for the victim? The only reason it has been moved into a trust account was based on MY suggestion. Sorry about the ranting but these things bother me and the only way I can get them out is in this forum. Maybe I shouldn't be talking so much about my case so I will stop now.

Today I had my third and I think final interview. The interview went well and they will be getting back to me by Monday. I didn't divulge my current situation because I knew what would have happened. They would have told me they can't do anything until the situation is resolved. I don't know what I will do if I get an offer but at some point I need to inform them of what is going on but I will wait until the appropriate time. The interview was very interesting because I met with the 4 top people of the company and the position I am interviewing for really doesn't interact with them at all. However; they wanted to ensure they were getting someone that fits into their corporate culture. Yes, I would fit in to their corporate culture and given the opportunity I would make an exemplary employee.