Blame Me!

One of the hardest things to deal with in my situation is knowing how much I have effected other people especially my immediate family. Everyone should realize I did this not my wife, daughter or son. Punish me not them. I am truly sorry for my actions and I am dealing with the consequences; however; there is no need to punish my family for my actions. When all my bad deeds came to fruition early in March my daughter was punished. She sold 91 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to people I worked with. She was set to deliver the cookies the day after my bad deeds became somewhat public. Upper management at my previous employer instructed everyone I worked with to have no contact with me what so ever or they would face disciplinarian actions and possibly termination. At the time I thought this to be silly because my daughter sold Girl Scout cookies to many of my co-workers and they stood to be fired if they picked up the Girl Scout cookies. Now I understand the position my previous employer took but I still regret my daughter had been punished by MY actions. My daughter could not deliver any of these Girl Scout cookies nor could anyone from my previous work stop by the house to pick them up. In essence my daughter was punished for the things I have done, I apologize to my daughter I certainly did not mean this to happen.

Another issue arose today with my wife and it did not have to do with my previous employer it had to do with Girl Scouts. My wife was the "cookie Mom" last year in Girl Scouts. Which means she was responsible for the distribution of the cookies and the collection of the monies. One of the Co-Leaders in the Girl Scout actually it is Brownies troop raised some concerns about having my wife be the cookie Mom this year. Again, my wife is not been accused nor did she have anything to do with what I did, it was ME. Please raise your concerns with me not my wife. This particular co-leader is concerned with the "reputation" of the Brownies. My wife had to take a certification class last year to be the cookie mom she was even fingerprinted. My wife passed the class and was the cookie Mom last year without any incidents. I certainly would expect the same results this year.

I want to take this a step further because the co-leader who expressed her concern did not say it to my wife directly. She went to the other co-leader and expressed her concerns. The other Co-Leader (who by the way is an outstanding person) has enough respect for my wife to tell her this issue directly. My wife is a kind and generous person and I can only imagine what is going on inside her. I am truly sorry for what I have done to her. When my wife told me all of this earlier today I was very upset and mostly upset at myself.

I guess it is the old guilt by association but it is not. If someone has a problem with me I can certainly understand it but if they have a problem with my wife or children because of what I have done it makes me feel worse. Also; if someone confronts me directly about an issue I would have no problem talking about the issue but if they go behind my back and act like nothing is a matter when something is definitely a matter I do have a problem. This particular Co-Leader is so very nice to my wife in person but when my wife leaves the scene it is another story. I thoroughly doubt I or my wife can change this person's opinion regarding my wife be the cookie Mom but why doesn't she have enough class to say it to my wife in person. Yes, it is a touchy subject and no one really likes confrontation but it only makes the situation worse.

As you can tell I really dislike what I have done to my family and one of the natural questions would be; why did you do it in the first place. Unfortunately I do not have an answer that everyone will understand. If you are a compulsive gambler you will understand; however; if you are a normal person like most of the population you have no idea. When I was in the throws of doing whatever it took to make my next wager I thought of nothing but the next wager. I certainly didn't way the consequences and then decide to do what I did. I just did whatever it took so I could stay in action. One of our long time members spoke of values last night at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting and he was so right. When I was in the midst of gambling and doing whatever it took I had no values. Now I am on the other side (road to recovery) and fully understand what a strong value system represents. The whole concept of values was obliterated by my gambling behavior now I am getting those values back one day at a time.

Here is a story where most of you would say either what was he thinking or how stupid can he be. I didn't do anything violent; however; I can empathize with this man because of his desire to make the next bet. Please consider this; this man was a career Air Force Master Sergeant and was a few months away from retirement do you think his master plan including robbing banks?