Change

I don't know who wrote the saying "change is good" but it is very appropriate in my circumstance. I do need to take the quote a step further by saying positive changes are good. In order to recover properly and effectively from any addiction and in my case compulsive gambling there needs to be change. The first part of change is to remove the behavior which has caused so much grief and misery in my life; gambling. I have been successful so far it has been five months and one week since my last wager and like I always say I didn't make a bet yesterday and I don't intend on making one today. Today is the only guarantee I have because no one knows what tomorrow will bring. The second change has to come from within myself so I don't go back to the first change (gambling). This is a little trickier because once I FINALLY recognized I have a gambling problem I removed this behavior; however; now I need to face all of the horrible things gambling has brought to my life.

I cannot wallow in this self-pity (I apologize if I am rehashing old thoughts but I need to) or I have no chance to succeed. I need to make amends for all my misdeeds and this will take time. I must apologize again to all those I have affected with my actions, it was not my intention to hurt anyone. I didn't devise a plan 20 plus years ago which outlined my actions. These actions unfortunately took on a life of their own and yes, please make no mistake about it they were my actions derived from an insatiable desire to place bets on sports. Again; it was very stupid and the "normal" person has no idea what I am talking about. I will try an analogy; if any of you "normal" people have wanted something so bad you would go to any lengths possible to have that something? Well, think of this as a daily occurrence until it is ingrained in your body and mind. If you don't do those things (in my case make a bet) you feel horrible; yes, there are physical reactions along with the mental reactions. I don't know if this makes any sense but this is how I felt for a long time.

Yes, I stopped when it all came crashing down but I could have continued to gamble. I FINALLY realized what my compulsion had done to me, my family and others. Yes, I certainly regret all that I have done and if I could take the magic time eraser I would erase every moment of my compulsion. I must face the consequences of my actions with respect and dignity. I do not blame anyone else for my actions and take full responsibility for these actions. I am making the changes necessary to be a much better person. No more lying, cheating or stealing. Just yesterday I was faced with a situation where I could have easily lied and gotten what I wanted but I am not doing this anymore. I told the truth and didn't get the result I wanted but I felt so much better. Lying will not be part of my persona today. I have a family that I have lied to, cheated from and quite possibly stole their future but I will make amends to each one and be the person I need to be not the character I turned into.