Distasteful

In the category of distasteful and down right offensive comes a reality television show from Fox Reality Channel called "Double or Nothing". The concept of the show has one person gambling EVERYTHING they own on one spin of the roulette wheel. The contestant must choose red or black and if there color comes in they win and if it doesn't they lose everything. According to the article (which can be accessed here) the contestant tries to double their net worth on one spin of the wheel and if not they literally have nothing. Yes, this is extremely distasteful and the Fox Reality people appear to be "cashing in" on the poker craze by coming up with an insane show centered around roulette.

For a compulsive gambler like myself this would actually be a good show (if they lose) because the end would come so much sooner. It would take out the middle man of all the lost time because a spin of the roulette wheel usually takes thirty seconds and in some cases (like mine) this lost time can be 20 plus years!!! The real problem with this show is if the person does actually win and doubles their net worth. Would they expect it each time? Would they frequent the casino more in hopes of owning it someday? Who knows but I do know as a compulsive gambler those dreams are insane and are not REALITY. Gambling for me leads to bad things win or lose and it took me 20 plus years to figure it out.

Today started out as a very good day. I was still on a "high" from yesterday's full Gamblers Anonymous day and meeting the esteemed Arnie Wexler. I had a great workout this morning; the best workout I have had since the Las Vegas Marathon last month. I got home; did some things checked my case on-line to see if the Probation Report had been finalized and saw that it had. I telephoned my attorney and he told me to stop by his office to pick it up.

For some reason my good mood from yesterday had all but disappeared as I made the seven minute drive to my attorney's office. I knew the report would have some things in it I wouldn't like but I kept reciting the "Serenity Prayer".....God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I can NOT change. I can't change a thing in this report because yes, I did most of those things there are some things I clearly do not understand but the main things I do understand I accept full responsibility for my actions.

As I drove over with my son in the car I kept reciting the Serenity Prayer. We entered the office and picked up the report unfortunately my attorney was not in so he could not explain the full report to me but I had to read it anyway. I spent the next 10 minutes in the parking lot with my son saying "Dad come on let's go". As I read the first page it became clear to me that information I had received last week was misleading. I had heard something which I couldn't really believe because it was too good to believe and I was right.

I am preparing for the worst which will be four years at state prison; however; the more I read the report the more confused I became. The Probation Officer wanted to recommend one thing but the victim (my former employer in fact there was only one quote which was from my former boss) was recommending something else. The victim considers the dollar amount immaterial; however; the real issue is emotional, for all the employees who were effected by the abuse of trust and respect the defendant (me) perpetrated upon them, there should be a very strict penalty because of this abuse.

I can't argue with that statement because that is how someone feels and it is a personal belief. What I can say in my defense was when I discovered what I discovered I was incapable of making the right decision because of my gambling addiction. My gambling addiction gave me a warped sense of reality. I know this is very wrong but at the time I didn't know what was right, wrong, up or down. Some may say this is a cop out or I am just blaming it on the compulsive gambling. It is not a cop out it is the truth and I do take responsibility for those actions.

If my former employer wants to make an example out of me as deterrent to others than so be it. I think a better way to make an example out of me is to help all those who have a compulsive gambling disorder like myself. See my former employer is not new to the compulsive gamblers and there business some may say depends on compulsive gamblers.

What I did was wrong and I will suffer the consequences; however; I want to help others with this same addiction. This why I attended and passed the California Council on Problem Gambling Counselor Training, this is why I attend three some times four Gamblers Anonymous Meetings a week, this is why I help host an on-line support group for other compulsive gamblers, this is why I stay in constant contact with the leaders in the field of treating compulsive gamblers, this is why I am going to get my Masters in Psychology so I can further assist others with a compulsive gambling problem, this is why I agreed to do an interview with Al Roker and appear in the Al Roker; Kids, Cards & Dice Program, this is why I agreed to do another interview with a Los Angeles CBS radio affliate on the consequences of compulsive gambling. In fact I have received so many calls and emails from fellow compulsive gamblers after viewing and listening to those shows who told me they were so grateful to here my story and they decided to get help with their gambling addiction. Yes, some good has come of my bad situation.

Yes, I know this report is the beginning of what will be the end of this case. Yes, I was a little disappointed but I will not give up no matter how much time I have to spend in prison because my life without gambling is much more fulfilling than it ever has been with gambling. I will continue doing the right things each and every day which means listening to my Higher Power, living with a purpose, loving my family and learning.