Twenty Questions

At tonight's Gamblers Anonymous there was a new member and with every new member who enters Gamblers Anonymous they are asked the twenty questions. These twenty questions determine if the person is in the right place. Each question is answered with only a yes or no there is no explanation needed. As we were asking the new member the twenty questions I always try to answer these questions as if I am hearing them for the first time.

Tonight I made a revelation and I am finally 20 for 20; meaning I answered yes to ALL twenty questions. This was not the case at my first meeting; I believe I answered 16 yes and 4 no. Part of recovery is growth and honesty and each day there is more and more growth and honesty comes with this growth. I wanted to share these 20 questions and an explanation to each question as to why I answered yes. Here are the 20 questions;

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?----Yes, not in the physical sense but definitely in the mental sense. Each morning from 8:30 am to 9:00 am I would check the days lines and think about who my selections would be for the day. At 3:00 pm to 3:30 pm I would place my wagers; from 5:30 pm to 6:00 pm I would check the scores. Each one of these took me away from what I was supposed to do and yes, I lost time from work due to gambling.

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?----Yes, because of my gambling my home life was unhappy when I was 18, 28 and 39 years of age. Also; the obvious; my current situation which was caused by my gambling has led to some very unhappy times. Thank God those days are over because I have stopped gambling and my home life has become very happy.

3. Did gambling affect your reputation?----Yes, it has given me a horrible reputation as a liar and a thief. but I am slowly gaining this reputation back day by day.

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?----Yes, I once lost $39,000 in an hour and half playing blackjack on-line; I couldn't sleep for a week but I still didn't stop. It is a horrible feeling and one I don't have to experience ever again.

5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?----Yes, all the time for the past 7 years.

6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?----Yes, when I first answered this almost 11 months ago I said; no but when I look back (honestly) all I cared about was placing my bets for the day. My ambition became my gambling and my efficiency went all to hell.

7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?----Yes, also when I first answered this I answered no but looking back (honestly) I had to return time and time again to fuel the addiction and get that money back. Please keep in mind it wasn't about the money it was about the need to place a wager and money only functioned as a facilitator.

8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?----Yes, this was another no when I first entered the Program but that urge to return was strong no matter whether I won or lost and maybe it was stronger when I won so I could continue to play that much longer.

9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?----Yes, and then some.

10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?----Yes, let me count the ways; refinance the house, credit card, signature loan, home equity line, from work, borrow from kid's college fund; personal loan, bank loan; lone shark loan; I must be leaving something out.

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?----Yes, gold necklace, bonds, stocks, house and I am sure there are more.

12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?----Yes, all the time; I couldn't buy anything with my gambling money because it was my gambling money and this means it was my ammunition to play for as long as possible.

13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?---- Yes, if it didn't I wouldn't have done the things that I have done. When the urge you have to do something overwhelms all the intellect you have in your brain then you have a problem and I have a problem.

14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?----Yes, about 22 years!!!! I have not heard one person in Gamblers Anonymous answer no to this question and I would guess that over 50% of the "normal" people who gamble would answer yes to this question as well.

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?----Yes, this is a very interesting question because for me it was as if I was 16 years old again and didn't seem to have a care in the world. All I cared about was who covered the spread. When I look back to when I started to gamble when I was 16 years old I think I started to gamble to escape my parents divorce and all I had to care about was who covered the spread. This manifested itself into a lifetime addiction.

16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?----Yes, I think I have said enough about this question over the past 11 months.

17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?----Yes, see the answer to number 4 and also I couldn't sleep at all in the last six months of my gambling career.

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?---Yes, but it wasn't limited to arguments, disappointments or frustrations it was just about everything; the time of day; whether the sun came up; who was playing; I gambled no matter what.

19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?----Yes, I answered this one no up until tonight. I had a fellow member "burst my bubble" because he had a different interpretation on this question; his good fortune was a credit card advance in the mail or an unexpected check which he looked as good fortune. Based on this definition I definitely gambled because my good fortune was my horrible decision and I will leave it at that. I will answer this one in more detail as the years pass.

20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?----Yes, I had the embankment picked out on the freeway but thank God I found the Gamblers Anonymous Program because it has saved my life.

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

As you can see I am a compulsive gambler through and through. This does not excuse what I have done nor does it give me a free pass. There are reasons for everything and now that I am fully aware of the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and have found help through the Gamblers Anonymous Program life has gotten better. It has been 10 month and 24 days since my last wager and life is worth living because I am becoming the person God intended me to be.