Oh the Not Knowing!!!

Last night was the first night in a very long time I didn't sleep at all. This used to be the case when I was gambling and in fact I remember going on business trip to Salt Lake City last February to attend a banking conference. It was at a five star resort and the room I was in was absolutely beautiful but for some reason (I know those reasons now!) I didn't sleep a wink the two nights I was there. Last night I kept looking at the clock radio and first it said, 11:58, then it said, 12:18, then it said, 1:06 then 1:47 then 2:17, then 3:09 (I think I slept 30 minutes there) then 3:33 then 4:02 then 4:24 then 4:56 then 5:15 then 5:38 then 6:06 then the alarm went off at 6:30 and it was time to get up.

I know I had so many things on my mind that I just couldn't sleep. The theory goes I can not control any of these things so I need to let it go. Apparently I still have some work to do in this area because letting go of the unknown is very hard. What I am trying to do is prepare myself for the worst (my mother's theory) and hope for the best. However; I don't know what the worst or for that matter I don't know what is the best. I do know I am ready for whatever it maybe because the waiting and the unknown is really taking its toll on me. It really is too bad that the courts don't take this waiting into consideration because it really is the worst part.

I have not spoken to my attorney to discuss the report so I still have no idea what really is going on. I do go back to court tomorrow; however; nothing will happen because my attorney has another case and cannot make it so we will ask for a continuance. I have lost count as to how many continuances I have had but everyone tells me the longer the case goes the better it will be for me.

Again, these things I cannot control but I can tell you the longer it goes the worse it seems to get. There seems to be a new surprise every few months and none of the surprise have been favorable. I did this to myself and to my family and I will take those consequences when they come like a man but in the meantime I will continue the "Serenity Prayer" and I know one day it will hit home with me.

Thank God I have very positive support from so many people it truly is amazing. I did a bad thing but I am not a bad person and all these people who are my positive influences keep reminding this constantly. I do have so many blessings in my life that I do know whatever the courts decide everything will work out for the best.