Plans

First off I would like to wish my mother-in-law a very happy birthday. As birthdays go this is a big one and I hope she had a great day. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on certain things and I know I took her daughter away from her 12 years ago when we moved to Las Vegas but she really is a remarkable woman and I do love her very much. She has so much love for our family it is wonderful and I know I can't say I am sorry enough for what I have put her through. I would like to thank her for all that she has done for me and for our family she is a fantastic lady. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I don't know who coined this phrase; "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans" because it is so appropriate. Over the course of the past 11 months my wife and I have been asked countless times; "what is your plan". Unfortunately because of what I have done to myself and to my family I have to wait for other extraneous forces to make their decisions before I can make mine. Now that life moves on no matter what and no matter what plans have been made or not been made time marches by.

I have had a plan in place for the past 7 months but the powers that be haven't approved or disapproved of this plan in those 7 months. On Thursday of this week those powers that be will rule on this plan; however; this plan which seemed like a very good idea 7 months ago and was very feasible does not seem so feasible now. I need to have a back-up plan which I do but I fear it may take another seven months for the powers that be to rule on this plan.

My main concern (other than continuing on the road to recovery from my compulsive gambling problem) is with my wife and children. Yes, what I have done drastically effects these three people and I am trying everything in my power to keep some type of consistency for my children. Today my son and daughter celebrated the 100th day of school which means they still have 80 days left and I want them to finish the school year in California. I don't know if the courts take those who I have effected into consideration but I pray to God they do. My back-up plan has everything to do with my family and it is certainly in their best interest.

I know this got me into trouble with the Probation Officer because what I did certainly was not in the best interest of my family it was in my interest only. This would be correct; however; due to my insatiable appetite to make the next bet I lost all sense of reality. Not many people can understand this concept; maybe those who have tried to quit smoking can relate or those with other addictions can relate but the "normal" population does not know of these feelings. I put myself in a situation which I could not control it controlled me. I know now how much of an idiot I was but I didn't know then. This does not excuse the behavior or condone the behavior it only sheds some light on the behavior.

I will meet with my attorney tomorrow afternoon and discuss my alternative plan and see what he says. I have been relying on my attorney a great deal but it is my life not his that hangs in the balance. I cannot change those bad decisions and I must live with what the courts decide; however; my main concern is with my family and I will do everything in my power to see my family does not suffer too much because of what I have done.

Another plan my wife and I have discussed is where will she and the children live when I go away. There are three alternatives; one; stay here in California, two; move to Las Vegas; or three; move to New Jersey. I know there are people who read this blog that have an opinion on this plan but again the main concern is with the children. Will it matter to them if they don't see me for two years because they live too far away; probably not; I will call and write. It may matter that they are surrounded by immediate family members and the only place for this is New Jersey.

Everyone knows how I feel about New Jersey but I lost my options 11 months ago and whatever makes sense for the family makes sense for me. I don't care where we live as long as we are all together. I love my family more than anything else in the world and yes, placing those wagers over the past 7 years distorted my thinking but I know I have all that I could have ever wanted in Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. Yes, it took a large wake-up call to realize this but at least I have realize this and life will continue to get better each and everyday.