Past is History

There is a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that was told to me by a fellow member in Gamblers Anonymous and it is so appropriate; "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and Today? Today is a GIFT. That's why we call it the PRESENT." All of the things in my past are just that HISTORY and someone also said, "you can't rewrite history". Yes, there is no rewriting of the past only learning from those mistakes but not dwelling there. Dwelling in the past is detrimental to my recovery and will only make things worse.

I must be honest (because it is a critical for my recovery process) and say somedays it gets very difficult to not look back without some heavy regrets. My actions were that of my own and I take responsibility for those actions. Because of those actions my future is somewhat out of my hands and in the hands of other people. I cannot control what those others will say or do I can only control myself. Yes, I do have regrets but I believe this is only natural. If I didn't have any regrets I guess I could be categorized as socio-path. I am not socio-path I have an illness (compulsive gambler) that was left untreated for all of my adult life. I am getting the much needed treatment for this illness and understand I need this treatment each and every day for the rest of my life or it will get worse.

It is hard to imagine my situation getting worse but I know if I went back to my previous life it would be much worse. I would have no family, no friends, no anything and most likely I wouldn't have myself. Yes, at times it is very difficult to comprehend the things I have done to myself and to my family. Also, yes, I know other people have no idea as to what I am speaking about and those things I cannot control. I can only hope to educate those who don't have an idea what the addiction of compulsive gambling can do to a person but there is only so much I can do. I do know I can live a normal life and be a very happy person without gambling and the Gamblers Anonymous Program has helped me realize this and so many more things about myself.

This all may seem like a ramble this evening but the events of the past week have set me back a little bit. They have set me back because I wasn't expecting some of those things and I am trying to prepare myself for the worse. I guess I am not doing a good enough job of preparing myself for the worse but I don't want to dwell on the worse or I won't be able to function. This makes sense to me it may not make sense to anyone else.

Yes, what I have done is very bad and there will be significant consequences because of these actions. However; because of what I have done it has made me realize I needed to do someone to get myself better or this would be my life sentence. It is not my life sentence because I am finally doing something about and taking responsibility for those actions.

Lastly, I was speaking with a link to my past over the weekend and I am so blessed to have this person be a part of my life. Yes, I affected this person by my actions but this person is still willing to speak with me and share things they should not share. I guess I was a fairly good person in my previous life or this person and a few others whom I affected wouldn't take the time to speak with me. There are a few people who will never speak with me again and yes, this is what it is and I can't control any of that I have to let it go. I am still dealing with letting things go but each day does get better and I know I am better off now than I was ten months and 18 days ago because my life has changed for the better.