Mentality Good

I did go ahead and take today off from working in the kitchen. It was yet another fortuitous day off because for some reason the kitchen only served one dining hall. This added another two hours to the service. Instead of coming back to the dormitory at 9:00 am they came back at 10:45 am. Just like last Sunday when the regular kitchen supervisor and I had decided to take the day off today was also a good day to be off. In fact, most of the regular kitchen staff decided to take off and we were all in agreement that we made the right decision.

Again I slept much better than I have on the top bunk because I only got up once to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. The weather is again getting colder and I needed the bigger blanket. Also, according to the one news segment I have seen in the past 2 ½ months the weather is changing drastically. The highs have been in the 90’s, but by Tuesday there are supposed to be in the low 70’s with the low temperature in the 40’s. This may not seem cold to most people but when you have thin blood like me and are used to warm weather it does seem cold (at least to me). In addition to the weather changing, there must be a wildfire nearly because the sky is very dark and the air has a distinct smell of smoke. I believe there is one somewhere but I have no idea as to how far away it is. This is fire season for California and I would expect there to be more than one wildfire.
If I do get assigned to a fire camp it would come at the perfect time. By the time I get through training (typically 2 to 3 months) fire season will be over and I will be completely trained by next season.

The “trans-pack list” (to refresh - this is the list that tells those inmates who have been transferred for the coming week where and when they are going) - come out this morning. I did not expect to be on it because I met with my counselor yesterday and it would have been somewhat of a miracle if I had been. No, I was not on it but now more than ever I am looking forward to this list as it comes out in the coming weeks - another refresher - typically this list comes out on Friday where I have seen it posted by 1:30pm and 6:00pm. I have also seen it posted Saturday morning around 9:00 am. This morning the list was not posted, but the C/O announced over the loudspeaker. I did listen intently for the miracle but I was also listening for fellow inmates who I have come to know over the past month.

It is certainly cyclical because now many of other inmates and myself who I have come to know have been in the dorm the longest. This means many of them will be leaving shortly and new inmates will be arriving. It appears to be a never-ending cycle because there certainly is no shortage of convicts. The faster one person is shipped the faster another inmate takes their bunk. It also appears that the prison officials have job security with a cycle like this.

A few of the inmates who work in the kitchen with me are leaving this week. Selfishly I was hoping some would stick around until at the very least I leave, and thankfully the “normal” inmate and one of my neighbors are staying. I did loose the two inmates who worked with me on the ovens. The three of us did work well and after tomorrow I will be the only one left. This will make this week very interesting because the two inmates who back them up are the two inmates who usually disappear when we are taking things out of the oven. It maybe a trying week but I like to look at it as a challenge of my patience and serenity. No matter what the job will get done and who knows maybe it will make this week go faster so Friday will be here faster. Remember Friday is the typical day for the “trans-pack” list.

After hearing all the names and places where they are being transferred, I realized that no one was assigned to Jamestown. The two fire camps are Jamestown and Susanville. My preference is Jamestown because as I have stated this facility supports all of the Southern California fire Camp stations and it isn’t very far from here. I think it is a 2 to 3 hour bus ride.

There were a few inmates assigned to Susanville, one being the inmate who worked with me on the ovens. His counselor recommended Susanville as the first choice and Jamestown as his second choice. This was a good sign for me because he did get his preference in Susanville and maybe I will get my preference. Anyway, there were inmates assigned to this Fire Camp training facility this week so maybe next week will be Jamestown’s turn. Of course this is wishful thinking and I really have no idea what is going to happen. I am very anxious to get to the next destination especially a fire camp but I do know that wherever my next destination maybe the first thing I am going to do is find a telephone. In all likelihood it will be at least two months since I have spoken to my wife. In 24 years since I have known my wife, we have never gone this long without speaking to one another. I am so anxious to hear her voice and also the voices of my son and daughter.

I was happy to take the morning off because I was able to hear the trans-pack list announcement and after this I got in a very good workout with my neighbor and the “normal” inmate. I am preparing for the fire camp physical training and although I may not weigh much I can hold my own with most exercises. I am looking forward to the physical training aspect of fire camp. I knew there was yet another reason why I have worked out all of these years and hopefully now it will pay off.

The workout this morning was great and lasted two hours. We each did over 900 push ups with various different positions. We hit it hard and each of us worked up a great sweat. I did notice something about myself which was I seem to get stronger the longer we were going at it. I believe this comes from all the aerobic activity I have done over my lifetime. It feels so good to do something physical and to get a good sweat going. From all indications the physical training in fire camp is not easy and it will be interesting to see how my physical shape compares to the other inmates. Hopefully, I will be given a chance.

After working out, I finally took a hot shower for the second day in a row. There is something to be said for hot showers and I am one person who really enjoys them. Yet another one of the small pleasures in life I have taken for granted. Who knew, for most of my 41 years I would either be at home or the gym, climb into the shower and boom, there would be hot water. This was taken away from me for the past 5 weeks but thankfully it appears to be back for the foreseeable future.

The shower was over and I had some catching up to do on my writing of letters. I composed four letters this afternoon to four very dear friends. This is yet another therapeutic exercise. While I am writing, I think about nothing but what I am writing. This is a form of meditation and truly puts me into a trance. It also puts me into a positive frame of mind. I came to the conclusion today that although I am in a very negative place physically, I am in a very positive place mentally. As long as I stay in this positive place mentally it doesn’t matter what happens while I am in this environment. I am going to make it through this situation and I am going to make it with a very positive attitude.

I keep replaying the “interview” with my counselor and yes, it was another bad situation. I know there are going to be more and more of these incidents in the years to come. As long as I stay in my recovery and keep a positive attitude it won’t matter what anyone says to me. These are just words from someone who is judging me from a computer printout. Yes, my actions were very bad but I will not fall into the trap of believing I am a bad person. I had bad actions and made very bad choices and I am suffering the consequences as is my family but I am better off today than I was over 19 months ago.

I know I cannot change anyone’s mind with things I say or even the positive things I do. People are going to think what ever they want and this is completely up to them. I am in control of one person and that is me. As long as I continue working my recovery to the best of my ability each and every day, it doesn’t matter what is said to me. I know I am doing my best and my life will continue to get better.

In my opinion, people in this world for the most part are good. I am surrounded by magnificence in my family and friends. This is almost like a cocoon. However, there are those negative influences out there in this world who have a tendency to bring me down, this happened yesterday. It is how I react to these negative situations that will determine the failure or success of my recovery. If I start the blame game or the woe is me attitude when encountered with these negative situations my recovery is doomed. However, if I truly understand the concept of serenity and truly understand I must stay positive no matter the situation then my recovery will continue to be successful. Being in a place like this is a good test of how much I have learned about myself and my recovery. I hear the blame game and the woe is me attitude all day long. I do not get involved in these conversations because it is pointless. I choose NOT to blame anyone and I choose to live each day with a positive purpose. Life is good and continues to get better as each day passes. As each day passes I know it is one day closer to being with my family and I will be with them for a lifetime.