Prison Changes People

I have heard time and time again, “Prison changes people”, and it appears the change is not positive. This could be one of the reasons for the high recidivism rate. However, I understand this quote. In prison, I have tried to turn off certain emotions and only focus on getting through the day. But sometimes no matter how hard I try, I cannot suppress certain emotions. Some of the obvious ones are the emptiness I feel when I think about missing the next two years of my children’s lives. Also, the sadness I feel about not being able to be with my wife. I understand these are natural and will be with me no matter how hard I try to focus on today.

Some of the not so obvious emotions I try to suppress each day are how I deal with the other inmates. For the most part I have found a handful of some that are “okay” to be around. However, I find myself becoming increasingly impatient with some of the inmates who are working in the kitchen. For example, as we were walking over to the kitchen, one inmate asked where my Bunkie was. I told him he was taking the day off. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t showing up so I explained he was giving up his job to another inmate in order to give someone else a chance who wants to work. The other inmate said, “F… that, I NEVER take a day off and I would never give anyone a chance to work. Now, normally I would have let it go, but for some reason I responded with, “So no one has given you a break so you won’t give anyone else one?” His response, “Hell, no one cares about me so why should I care about anyone else?”


Again, normally I would have dropped it but I couldn’t so I responded “that is no way to go through life and a good way to come back here”. His response was “so what we are all going to die.” My response, “yes, that is true but it is no way to live your life.” Then he responded with you win, I give.” I said “it is not about winning or losing it is bout living life in a positive way.” To which he said again “you win I give.” At this I stopped the conversation.

In retrospect I have not engaged in this conversation but I am growing increasingly impatient with the negativity and self-destructive behavior of the other inmates. I have no right to inflict my beliefs on anyone and if a situation like this arises again I will hold my tongue. I can definitely see a person changing in a place like this because let’s face it this environment is not the most positive (understatement). Hopefully, I can get through the next twenty-two months without falling into the negativity because this would be detrimental to my recovery. I prefer to focus on the positive and I understand that not many other inmates have the incredible support I have with all my wonderful family members and friends.

The back of the kitchen has gone through a complete turnover and things run a little differently than they have a few short days ago. There really are no major problems and with the exception of burning of the dialysis (diabetics) tray everything has gone well. The burning of the dialysis tray was a breakdown of communication and I took responsibility for it. I was helping one of the inmates who was working on the grills by putting the tray in the oven. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell me the oven needed to be off because the trays only needed to be warmed not cooked. I put them in a full operational oven for five minutes and the items burned. I told the kitchen supervisor (the one I seem to get along with very well) that I take full responsibility for the burning of the dialysis trays. She was so kind in her response when she said “Don’t worry about it, they get enough food as is and these trays are excessive.” I was very pleased with her response and she said it while smiling. Here is another example of the GA Program working in my daily affairs. I was not looking to blame anyone else (like everyone else seems to do when things go wrong in the kitchen) I made a mistake and promptly admitted this mistake.

This comes naturally and I never hesitated when I said the trays were burned. This does not make me any better than anyone else, it just proves (yet again) the program works if I work it. Life is so much simpler following the program and it makes situations like this much easier. I am not sure why others seek to place blame elsewhere but I am very happy to take responsibility for my actions. This provides me with a positive life.

The kitchen with the exception of the dialysis trays ran smoothly today but it just seems less organized then it has been in the past. Yes, everyone is new and feeling their way around but there seems as if there is more attitude (not in a positive sense) than before. I am fortunate to have my duties and I get one or two helpers daily. Also, there are others in the back of the kitchen who enjoy helping me with the pots and pans. Also, I am able to build-up my forearms by mixing the hot cereals. The hot cereals are the only items which require additional preparation by having to mix water with them. Some of the hot cereals like oatmeal and farina are easy to mix but others like the grits and cracked wheat take more time. I am becoming quite handy with a whisk! Of course, the serving size is for fifty but when I get out I will be a wiz mixing the cream of wheat for my wife and children!

Last night’s dinner was a pre-Thanksgiving feast. It had all the trimmings (with the exception of stuffing) of a Thanksgiving dinner - a big piece of roast turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots, and red beans with apple crisp or dessert. Yes, I gave away my turkey (I have been toying with the idea of going back to eating turkey and chicken, it has been 10 years since I have had either of these) and I don’t want my first piece of white meat to be in a place like this. When I saw the roast turkey I had no desire to eat it so it will take time to get my mindset in order to eat turkey and chicken. Don’t worry my willpower is not faltering, I am just thinking about my dietary future. Also, I haven’t had a traumatic experience with chicken or turkey. I just decided to stop eating it to see if I could do it. I guess I was successful but again no dietary changes will take place while I am here. I am not sure if I can live with the stigma or rather the memory of eating my first piece of fowl in a foul place (if you will).

Here it is Thursday evening and yet another day has passed without seeing my counselor. Today marks my 42nd day here at the reception center. On average (my observation) counselors are seen between the 30th and 45th day. I have 3 more days to be average which appears highly unlikely knowing the past performance of my case - why would this be any different? One example of the randomness of seeing a counselor; a neighbor inmate who has been at the reception center for 4 months and 2 weeks (roughly 134 days) just saw his counselor on Tuesday while another neighbor inmate who arrived at the reception center one week after me saw his counselor two weeks ago and was transferred today. In both examples there weren’t any special circumstances so it falls into the area of God only knows. I am not sure if I can go four months (which would be December) without seeing a counselor so I will send in a request as to the status of seeing my counselor tomorrow.

I need to mention that my “Bunkie” has not seen his counselor and he came to the reception center two days prior to my arrival. He is a repeat offender and he has less than six months left to serve on his eight month sentence, whereas I am a first-time (only time!) offender and have less than twenty-two months to serve. Also, he has a different counselor than I have because the last two digits in his CDC number are different than mine. Again, going back to the randomness of seeing a counselor because none of this makes any sense. God please keep granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change because I am powerless to my surroundings.

I need to close on the mail note once again. I keep receiving letters from mostly my mom and my sponsor which are out of order. My mom’s letters/packages arrive at random. Today I received a letter from her dated September 8th and postmarked September 11th. There was something in the letter which referenced an event but the letter I read yesterday dated September 14th contradicted this event. I do understand what happened and it was a good thing but sometimes I have difficulty keeping track of the sequence of events. Please don’t get me wrong I LOVE receiving mail and I am forever grateful. I just wanted to explain why sometimes my responses in letters are off base. Anyway, please keep the letters coming.