Prisoner Workout

Wow! Eight months of 2006 have been complete and the summer is coming to a rapid close. My children start school in their new state – NJ – in a few short days which ends their extended summer vacation. From all reports I have received they have had a very good summer in spite of all the turmoil I have caused. They are in a great place which is filled with nothing but love. Of course, I miss my family tremendously and would give anything to be with them; however, this will have to wait a few years.

Now my children will start their new school year in the same public school system I attended many years ago. It is also the same system that my mother and brother-in-law teach so my children will be well protected. I have had my concerns about my family living in NJ, but those concerns are gone because of the tremendous support they are receiving. I am grateful to everyone who has made my family’s transition very smooth.

Another page comes off the calendar which is a very good thing in my eyes. Today the first of September marks my third week here at the reception center. Yes, I have been moved around on three separate occasions but the time is going by. I would really like to say it is going by quickly, but I cannot because it seems like one long day which started 52 days ago. My acceptance level of the situation has risen considerably because early on while I was at the county jail, I still thought I might be “saved”. All this was wishful thinking and I was not living in the reality of the situation. The reality is that I will be away from my family for a period of time that will most likely be 2 years. I do have nightmares that I spend more than 2 years because of my plan of staying under the radar worked out too well and the prison system forgot about me! On the same token, I know my sentence can be reduced if I get into a Fire Camp, but I have no control over this. I would like to count down the days but the prison system’s math is a little different from anything I have been taught so I am taking it one day at a time.

I tried for the fourth consecutive day to work in the kitchen but was unable to. I got up at 4:00 am which is no big deal because I am up anyway, checked the list and saw I was not on it. Then I talked to the inmate in charge who told me the same thing he told me for the past 4 days. “You will be on the list tomorrow.” I told him that would be fine and I will be available anytime they need me. The only real benefit to working in the kitchen is receiving two breakfasts and two lunches which really doesn’t do me any good because I can only eat so much. I guess actually doing something semi-productive will help the day go by a little faster which is what I am looking forward to when I finally do work in the kitchen. I will try again tomorrow morning.

I was looking forward to Yard Day and going out into the new one. However, for some reason or another we were not allowed outside. I think some of the workers at the prison were painting the buildings near the yard so the inmates were prohibited from using the yard. I was looking forward to doing a little jogging but this did not happen. I was a little down when I found out we were not going outside but I decided to channel this energy into my new workout. I like to call this new workout “The Prisoner Workout”. Hey, maybe when I get out I can make a video and I can wear the striped black and white jumpsuit tethered to a ball and chain while doing the “prisoner Workout”! I think I took this workout to an extreme as I normally do when I workout. I exercised non-stop for an hour and 40 minutes. I was beyond a sweaty mess but it felt great. This was my fourth consecutive “Prisoner Workout” and I went from being somewhat ridiculed during my first workout by some very good-natured inmates to having one of those same inmates telling me I better stop or I will disappear!

I am truly amazed because no matter what race / color / or creed, everyone one of the inmates here in my new dorm is good natured. There are still some scary looking characters but not nearly as many than in my previous dorms. I must give the prison system credit for establishing this program two years ago (35 years and older with no write-ups). A little maturity can go a long way in a place like this.

From the archives of “there is always someone worse off than you” I noticed an inmate who walks all day for the past three days since I arrived here. He is very skinny – like me – and I thought he was trying to get in a good aerobic workout or was a runner. When I say he walks all the time, I mean, “He walks ALL the time.” When I got up at 4:00 am, he was walking around. Then at 6:30 am he was still walking. In fact, right now as I write this, he is still walking. I wanted to talk with him, but I didn’t want to disturb his walk so there really wasn’t any time because he walked ALL the time. As it turned out, he sat (because it is mandatory) at the same table with me during dinner along with my bunkmate and the “normal” inmate. As we sat at dinner, I noticed the “walking inmate” couldn’t stop his leg from shaking. As a sidebar – I had a similar problem like this before my recovery. We all got to talking and as it turns out the “walking inmate” walks because he just cannot sit still. When he sits still, he starts to have rather bad thoughts (which means he is beating himself up for his situation and cannot move forward).

This poor man is beyond anxious and certainly needs professional help along with medicinal help. He did meet with the Psyche Department of the prison who told him he couldn’t be given anything for anxiety. This is not true. The only reason that he did not get medication is because he told the truth. The psychologist asked him if he was hearing voices and he replied no so he was ushered on his way. According to many inmates who are on anxiety medication, they all said that you must tell the psychologist you are hearing voices or you will not get any medication.

I am certainly no doctor or psychologist, but after talking with this inmate for only 10 seconds, I knew he needed professional help. Also, after hearing why he is here I can definitely see why he is anxious. All he did was violate his probation and he in turn received a 7-year sentence for essentially missing an AA meeting because he was kicked out of his treatment facility. He had two weeks left on this probationary period! I know this is only one side of the story, but even if it was half true, I too would be anxious and in need of help. I really felt badly for this poor man because he is truly lost. I do hope and pray that he finds some help and his anxiety is calmed down.

Had I not committed myself to the GA program, this person could have been me. Yes, I am anxious at times and still beat myself up. However, what I have learned in the past 18 months has saved me from being the “walking inmate”. Instead I am the “working out inmate fiend”. Seriously, without recovery, I would be right with this inmate and most likely in the Psyche dorm. Thank God for my family, GA, friends and my recovery. All of these have kept me sane. Thank you all so very much!