Time Moving Fast?

How is it possible that time seems to be moving faster and faster as each day goes by? A few weeks ago I received a letter from a very dear friend who gave a great analogy which he used as he was serving our country overseas. This analogy had to do with Wednesday and when it was over, tomorrow was Thursday and the week was more than half over. The key was to get to Wednesday each week and the weeks would roll by. I may not have given this analogy justice, but I did feel it was quite appropriate. Today is Wednesday which flew by and now the week is almost over. Using this, it truly seems that time is going by faster. It’s a mind game and it’s working.

Each day is picking up speed and now I barely have enough time to read. This is a far cry from two months ago when all I did was read which is why I went through over 30 books in just 60 days. Now I have gone a few days without reading at all. What a difference a few months make and hopefully as I continue my journey through this system, the time continues to fly by.

I know ever since I started working in the kitchen, my days seemed shorter. Now that I have more responsibility, the mornings pass quickly. Take for instance today – there were only two of us working the ovens because everyone else was making pancakes on the grill. The only item which required oven heating was the cornmeal mush. I was paired with another inmate who has extensive cooking experience in the prison system. Unfortunately, his experience did not lend itself to our kitchen because there is no cooking performed. He was a nice enough man and he did explain Fire Camp a little more to me. He has gone there on four different occasions which is a sad thing in itself. Also, based on the articles I received from my mom regarding the prison system, it appears no matter where I am sent, my sentence term maybe reduced to 35%.

I would rather go to a Fire Camp where I can provide a service and be a productive member of society, as opposed to my lying around a private prison waiting for the days to tick on by. The camp seems like very hard work but most of this has to do with endurance. The training is performed hiking up the mountains to build strength and stamina. However, I do understand the choice is not mine and lies within the Department of Corrections. I also understand that no matter what my counselor has as a recommendation, it really doesn’t matter if there is no availability. No matter where I am sent next, I do hope I can find something constructive to do so time can pass quicker. As long as I am doing something, time will pass rapidly enough and I will be back with my family sooner.

Speaking of my family – it really sounds like the children have adjusted well. School appears to be going well for both of them. My son has surprised my wife with a few of his wonderful comments and he is staying away from the bad influence in his class. My daughter is making new friends and still enjoys school. It will be interesting to finally see them again because right now, they are changing very quickly.

Today was a very busy mail day. I received six pieces from four different people. My mom sent me three separate envelopes with postmark dates of 9/5, 9/12, and 9/15. The other pieces of mail were from my dear friends in GA and my “unexpected corresponder”. It appears that only his letters and my letters have proper timing. All of the other letters are not as prompt and even though it seems that it takes me a long time to respond, that is because the letters I receive take longer to get to me than the letters I send. Make sense? I enjoy and look forward to mail call each day. All the letters I receive are very special to me because I am truly surrounded by caring people. MY unexpected corresponder has excellent questions in his letters. When I finish responding, it feels very therapeutic because of the questions that are asked. I have received GA materials from many people including my mom and sponsor. I am up to Step Four in both the recovery and unity programs that my incredible sponsor has sent me. By the time my sentence will be served, I will have quite a collection of recovery materials. Also, I need to officially work the steps with my sponsor once my time has been served. These need to be worked over and over in order to not get complacent. I look forward to working these exercises with my sponsor. These are also worked continuously in my daily affairs. It is a proven method of recovery which has been utilized by thousands in order to get their sanity back one day at a time. I look forward to a long positive life which will be spent with my loving family.

This morning, as I was working in the kitchen, another inmate came up to me and asked if I would like a cup of coffee. I politely declined and he asked if I ever drank any coffee. I said, “Yes” but the last time was in February of 1989. You may ask why I know this. I do quite clearly remember the day and why I have never had a cup of coffee since. I was working with an accounting firm in NYC and I was at a client’s in Northern Jersey. We were wrapping up the audit and it was going to be a very long day so I had a cup for breakfast. I was not a coffee drinker in college and didn’t understand the fascination for it. However, once I got out in the real world I started having a morning cup of coffee. This day back in 1989, I exceeded my daily intake of coffee tenfold! We were working 16 hour days and this was the last day of the audit so we needed all the information gathered. Having exceeded my coffee allowance by so much, I was more than wired and by the 10th cup, I didn’t feel very well.

I was able to finish up the work and head home around midnight. I couldn’t sleep and was up all night! Thank goodness it was a Friday and there was no work the next day. I was so wired from all the coffee, I couldn’t fall asleep until Sunday night! (I guess this makes up for the weekend I slept through when I was a child) From that moment on, I swore off coffee and have not had a cup since. This is an example of my willpower and it is also another example of how a traumatic event influenced that willpower. It seems I need these events to kick start my willpower. Since this coffee event and an incident with red meat in 1990, I have not had either one. I believe these events tie in with my obsessive-compulsive nature. Yet, when I review my gambling history, I could not rely on willpower alone. I need a Program of Recovery which I have found in GA. Because of my obsessive-compulsive behavior once I get going with recovery, it is very hard to stop. Finally, this behavior is dealt with in a positive way.

Today was an extremely busy day with much correspondence. I responded to two letters and I worked on Day 4 of the “Bridging Program”. I had to turn in one portion to the instructor, and for the second time in a row I watched this man review other inmates work. It truly is unfortunate because he is only looking for a great deal of legible writing.
An inmate could put in a great deal of time and effort into their work but they could be on the wrong track. They will never know because no one reviews the content for substance. There is a saying in the accounting field that substance always exceeds form; however, this is not the case here. I turned in the orientation part of the program and gave it to the instructor. He took it from me, said thank you, and stuffed it into the back of his notebook without looking at it.

According to the conversation I had yesterday with this same instructor, the orientation package is “supposed” to go to a counselor in order to send the inmate to the proper facility accommodating the needs of the inmate. My top choice was Fire Camp followed by teacher’s aide. I doubt the package goes anywhere except in my file because the overall prison system is so overcrowded there is no way to accommodate anyone’s needs. With the recidivism rate hovering around 70%, it would benefit everyone if there was a program which truly helped the inmate get on the right path. However, for these programs to work effectively they need a great deal of money and no one is willing to spend any money on a system that is broken.

As I was working on the bridging materials today, I came across the “Life Style Criminality Screening Test”. This is a self-test to determine if the inmate is an habitual lifelong criminal. There were 14 questions and out of the highest score of 20, I scored a “0”. I guess I am not this type of criminal in spite of my “thief” past. One interesting facet of today’s module was the question of “Do you think you would be in prison today if you had understood the consequences involved in your actions?” If it were only this simple. Of course, the answer would be absolutely not! But in my opinion, this is just like the saying, “No to drugs campaign”.

The flipside to this question is the few inmates who weigh the consequences before they proceed with their actions. There are people I choose to stay far away from. What is interesting is after I explain my case to many different inmates, they all seem to ask the same question, “Was it worth it?” I actually got into a discussion when I said it certainly was NOT. Then his response was, “You wouldn’t have made a half million dollars in the next year, so was it worth it?” My response was, “I would have made more money had I not committed my crime because I had a very good job which I pissed away.” This ended the conversation rather quickly. I understand there are many points of view in this world and in prison, there are very few who share my point of view. It is like being in a foreign country that has very different ideals than I am used to. Not to mention the language, which has been a very huge adjustment, and I am constantly learning new words and their meanings everyday.

I got off track a little so I will get back to the bridging question. All of my actions have consequences. When I was deep into my compulsive gambling nothing mattered. I cared nothing about the consequences of my actions; I just cared about the next bet. Now after entering into a program of recovery, I have been given the tools to understand my actions. The key is to not gamble ever again and live life with a positive purpose. This will provide me with a wonderful life and I will never have to come back to a place like this.