True to Myself

The other evening when I had dinner with a very good friend which almost seems from another life, the statement was made that I did not appear to have changed in the time I have been “away”. The only noticeable change by this good friend was the fact that I seemed even more humble. I just thanked my good friend but have thought about this statement over the past few days.

I do believe this was a compliment and a positive attribute. The fact that this good friend mentioned the words “more” and “humble” in the statement meant I was indeed a little humble at some point in the past. I do believe I have always been a humble person outwardly but inwardly I had this streak of believing I was better then most. I have come to realize through a set of learning experiences that I am no better then anyone.

I have always had a special relationship with this good friend and I hope I was true to myself back then. Yes, I was true to myself and I am not nor have I been a bad person in the past in spite of what I have done. I always and still do believe that I treat everyone with respect and I was a good person to work for. I have a very easy going temperament and this has not changed over the period I have been “away”. I am true to myself and the biggest difference is I no longer gamble which has been the albatross around my neck for a very long time.

I think I have changed on the inside as I am now more truthful in every aspect of my life. I still treat people the way in which I would like to be treated and this will not change at any point in my life. I have made my share of large mistakes but I have also found peace of mind along with honesty. These are the cornerstones of my recovery and life continues to get better with every passing day.

Today was another great day with great friends. The weather was very UN Southern California like with dark clouds, rain, wind and cool temperatures. We had to really think about going out there and playing golf; however; someone was smiling down on me as the weather did get better as the day moved along. I had a wonderful time with my two very good friends and it did remind me of old times.

I must say I am not a very good golfer. I would characterize my golf as a player who is not horrible but also who is not very good. I am somewhere in between these two values. There was a time where I was playing a great deal of golf and I did improve. I finally cracked into the 80’s a few years ago after playing in the 90’s (that is score wise) for what seemed like an eternity. Taking 20 months off from swinging a golf club certainly did not improve my game but on the other hand it really didn’t diminish my game either. I am still somewhere in between lousy and good. Today I hit a few good shots and a few lousy shots. The lousy shots seemed to out number the good shots but that didn’t stop me from having fun.

In the past I would beat myself up over the lousy shots and I must say playing golf was one of my sanctuaries while I was doing the bad things I did. On the golf course I was looking over my shoulder and I was able to compartmentalize my gambling for those hours I played golf. I had turmoil going on in my mind but it was minimized during the golf game. Thankfully, I no longer need to compartmentalize my gambling because I don’t gamble anymore.

This is a huge relief and all I cared about was having fun which is what I did today. I had fun with my good friends and it was awesome seeing them. Somewhere along the way I must have done something right because I have incredible people in my life who have stayed with me over the years. These are dear friends and I am blessed to be in their company. The blessings were huge this weekend and I thank my two friends for a lovely two days.

After the golf game my good friends drove back to Las Vegas and we will keep in touch. I do hope to be able to visit with them very soon and who knows maybe it will be before I get off parole next year. (Yes, by the way I am now down to 12 more months on parole as one month has already expired.) We gave each other handshakes and hugs; and I’m not sure if they even realize what their friendship means to me because it means a great deal. I watched them drive off and just smiled.

I had two hours to kill before the GA meeting so I went to the gym. This is something I don’t normally do in the afternoon but I though “why not”. I do get a good workout and in fact it was one of my better non-aerobic workouts in awhile. I was under a time constraint and worked out harder in that short period of time than I do with much more time. It was a wonderful way to break up the afternoon between a fantastic golf game and a very good GA meeting. The workout ended and I went to the Sunday night GA meeting.

I have always enjoyed this particular GA meeting because the therapy section is performed with candlelight. Three years ago this meeting was my second meeting I have ever attended and it was in this meeting I realized what I needed in my life. I need GA in my life to have a great life and in three years my life continues to get better. The meeting was good and I must say it wasn’t one of the best meetings I have gone to but invariably I always seem to feel better after attending a GA meeting. This was the case today and I do love the GA program.

Tomorrow is the Monday evening Speaker’s meeting and I will be speaking. This will mark my second time speaking at this particular meeting and now I can finally fill in those blanks which existed in that first meeting. I am looking forward to speaking tomorrow and I will write more about that in tomorrow’s blog.