Is this the "One" Person?

During yesterday’s GA meeting there were several newer members which always provide mixed feelings in my opinion. It is good that these people have recognized they have a problem and are seeking help. However; it does show the perils of compulsive gambling and how destructive it can be. If the statistics are correct between 2 to 5 percent of those who gamble do so compulsively which is a staggering number considering 80% of all people have gambled at one point or another. I do enjoy when new members come to the meeting because it is the life blood of GA in people helping people overcome their compulsive gambling addiction.

I was speaking to one of these newer members during the break of the meeting. This member had an interesting story how they came to get help. This member works in the gambling industry in a nearby casino (not the casino I used to work at). The member went on to tell me that they were reading a magazine article about a person who also worked in the gaming industry that was a compulsive gambler, embezzled from the casino they worked at, went to prison but this person entered recovery and has been recovering for the past three plus years. (Does this sound familiar?) If this does sound familiar that is because it is my story this new member had read!

As the new member was telling me this my good friend was listening and he gave me a little wry smile. I didn’t have the nerve to tell the new member that I was the one they were reading about and I surmise this new member will find out soon enough if they come back for more meetings. Maybe this was the “one” person who my story could help and it was strange hearing this member recount my story to me. It was as if I was an observer of my own life.

The details of my story were a little mixed up as the member recounted this “person” as getting into trouble for “writing bad checks”. The details really aren’t necessary as much as the overall theme to my story; compulsive gambler out of control who did illegal things to satisfy that compulsive gambling addiction. However; there is a happy side to my story in recovery as my life continues to get better with each passing day.

I also need to add that this new member had entered a recovery facility when he read my story. The story did mention this recovery facility which I worked with prior to my sentence. I do need to follow-up to see if a referral fee will be forthcoming!!! Just joking; and I am happy that this person is seeking help for their gambling addiction.

I didn’t have much to do yesterday so I decided to head into the office for the afternoon. I had some paperwork to catch up on and some filing to be done. I do have an aversion to filing and if I don’t file right away my office turns into a mess. This is no different then my office in my previous job. I do have some bad habits which need addressing and this is certainly one of those bad habits. I didn’t file yesterday but I did work on the paperwork. I also fiddle faddled around on the internet follow the Masters Golf Tournament. I was hoping to be able to watch it on the internet but for some reason I was unable to connect so I just followed through the official website.

I was able to talk with my father about an issue that has been outstanding for over 13 years. It is amazing how the past sticks around for a very long time but instead of running away from my past I addressed the situation. I don’t know if this will ever go away and there is something about this particular situation that really doesn’t make sense to me but that is neither here nor there. I did so many stupid things when I was gambling compulsively and I don’t have full recollection on many of those stupid things. The key however; was I was able to talk with my father about the matter and our relationship continues to rebuild along with getting much better then it was over three years ago.

Not only did I speak with my father I spoke with my wife, daughter and son. They had a day in nature back in New Jersey. They visited a state park which may seem like anomaly in New Jersey but there are many very nice places in New Jersey. In fact it isn’t called the “Garden State” for nothing. It truly is a “Garden State” in about 80% of the state but sometimes that other 20% of ugliness overrides the 80% of beauty. They visited Stokes State Forest which I remember visiting when I was around my son’s age. I believe my elementary school used to take an annual class trip to this area and now some thirty plus years later my daughter is doing a school project on the area, yes; things do come full circle!!

The day came to a conclusion as I watched television with my dear friends and we had a great time just making fun of the shows. There really isn’t much on television of note and we were watching a few of the CNBC shows. This was indeed fun then I retired for the night. I wasn’t ready to fall asleep so I channel surfed and came across a program called “Lockup” which is a series on prisons in the United States. This particular episode centered on a California State Prison and when I saw the clothing the inmates were wearing it brought back some very strong memories.

I was transfixed with the program because it was very accurate. As I watched I thought to myself how very fortunate I was in my 19 ½ months of incarceration to not have to deal with these very real things that these inmates were dealing with. The program illustrated the racial divide that exists in the California Prison system very well. I had to decompress for a few minutes after watching this program before falling off to sleep.

I woke up this morning focused on a workout morning. I was thinking about doing my 16 mile run outside but with the temperature approaching 100 degrees I thought I would be better served running on the treadmill at the gym and this is what I did. Not only did I run but I also did my normal weightlifting exercises as well. I completed the 3 ½ hour workout and felt very good. I made my way back to the house for some lunch and to spend the afternoon watching the Masters Golf Tournament. It was a lovely Sunday and my life is wonderful.

"The Last Lecture"

On Wednesday night my wife telephoned me to inform me about a television program that was airing later this evening. It was the television program “Prime Time with Diane Sawyer” and it was an interview with Randy Pausch. I had never heard of Randy Pausch so my wife explained that he is a Professor from Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh who did a lecture and this lecture has been titled “The Last Lecture”. My wife went on to explain that Professor Pausch a seemingly healthy 47 year old with a lovely wife and three small children has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has only six months to live.

My wife who is in New Jersey and was able to watch the interview before I could then made similarities to me in appearance and behavior to Professor Pausch. I was very intrigued especially when my wife went on to explain Professor Pausch unbelievable positive attitude. Unfortunately I could not view the interview because I was having dinner with very dear friends. However; I telephone another dear friend who was kind enough to tape (is it really taping anymore??) the show so I could view it at a later date.

Yesterday afternoon I was able to watch the interview and I was so moved. Here is a gentleman who exudes the definition of humility along with being exceedingly positive all in spite of the fact that he was given a six month life expectancy. I watched the interview by myself and halfway through I had tears coming down my cheeks. He is a very special person and his wife along with his children is so blessed by his presence and he is blessed by their presence as well.

This is definitely a special person and his students have been blessed for a number of years. Instead of being angry, mad, and bitter and all those other negative emotions Professor Pausch is exceedingly positive. I never got the impression that he was deluding himself of the fact that he would win the battle with cancer. He is certainly making the most of every moment and living a legacy for his three children. He has a great analogy for choosing positive attitudes as he states either you are a “Tigger” or an “Eyeore”. I believe everyone knows those two “Winnie the Pooh” characters and their personalities. Tigger is bouncy, happy and positive whereas Eyeore is slow, ambivalent and negative. Obviously Professor Pausch has chosen to be a Tigger in spite of all the obstacles he has in his world.

I sat there transfixed and did see a great deal of myself in this man not only in the physical sense but an emotional sense. (At some point during the interview the camera zoomed in on Professor Pausch as he was speaking and I was fixated on his eyes and head movements because I thought I was staring in the mirror.) I don’t know what it is like to be given six months to live and hopefully I will never know; however; I do believe everything resides in my attitude. As Professor Pausch stated why be angry and shut off the world when he can live every moment in happiness thus embracing the time he has left.

This is so wonderful and really the crux of my recovery. I don’t know what the future holds and I cannot change the past so all I have is this very moment. It is entirely up to me how I live this moment and if I want to beat myself up and feel guilty for all the things I have done to my family and to myself I can do that but what good would it do. Life is worth living no matter what the past or even the future looks like.

There was a point in the interview where Professor Pausch stated that is not “unfair” that he has been given a death sentence rather “unfortunate”. I thought this to be very profound because I don’t know what the true definition of the word fair really is. What is fair; it all goes back to acceptance in my opinion. Professor Pausch has accepted his fate but this doesn’t mean giving back in fact it means quite the opposite; to live life like it is your last day on earth. He has no idea how many moments he has left with his wife and his children which is why he is cherishing each one of those moments. I certainly don’t mean to compare myself to Professor Pausch because there is no comparison but his words and actions are heartfelt to me. I have no idea how many moments I have left with my wife, children, friends and life which is why life is best lived one day or one moment at time.

Professor Pausch has written a book titled “The Last Lecture” and in it is all his life lessons and the legacy he is leaving for his children. I had not heard of Professor Pausch before Wednesday but thanks to my wife he has touched my life. Apparently his lecture was meant for the faculty of Carnegie Mellon University and someone videotaped it and it was placed on the internet for those professors who could not attend. Well this lecture went like wildfire over the internet and at least 6 million people have viewed it and counting. The lecture can be found at http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/ along with so much more information on Professor Pausch. If anyone has not seen the lecture I implore you to please view it. This is a very special person and going back to my belief of everything happens for a reason; this is an excellent representation of things happening for a reason.

I am so glad my wife informed me about the interview and Professor Pausch, his lovely wife and wonderful children are in my thoughts and prayers. Life is so worth living no matter the obstacles faced and Tigger is so much more happy then Eyeore!!! Watching this made my day and the rest of the evening went by so quickly.

This morning I decided my body needed a rest from working out since I have a long run scheduled for tomorrow morning. I slept in which was much needed. I drove with my dear friend to the regular Saturday morning GA meeting where it was a very good meeting. Once again a new member was in attendance and lately we seem to be getting our share of new members. Some of these members stick around where most others seem to fade away. These members that fade away are missing something special because I can say GA continues to save and enhance my life each and everyday.

Surprising Telephone Call

Yesterday evening I did something usual but for the night it was unusual. First I went out to dinner by myself utilizing a gift card I was so graciously given by my mother. I went to the local Soup Plantation restaurant which for a buffet is quite good and not too mention healthy as well. I didn’t feel out of place being by myself as I came prepared with a magazine. I filled up on salads and bread. The meal was very nice and it is hard to believe we are in a recession because the restaurant was quite busy.

After dinner I made my way over to a GA meeting. This is certainly not unusual for me but the night made it unusual. In the local area there are five GA meetings which meet five times a week. I have been a regular at four of these meetings since my release in February. Even before my sentence I was a regular at five of the then six meetings in the area. Subsequently we have lost the Wednesday meeting due to poor attendance. For whatever reason I have not attended the Thursday evening GA meeting; this is most likely due to the fact that Thursday’s were our (the family) “Survivor” night and I was looking for a little balance. GA is an important part of my life but as a long time member says “it is not everything in my life”.

Okay I am going to digress because something just popped into my little brain. The key to life in my opinion is balance. For so many years I was out of balance and just merely replacing the gambling with GA does recovery a disservice. It is a whole new outlook on life I have gleaned through the program. I have a very long way to go to achieve balance in my life but it is a good start. Balance is another simplistic term on face value because when anything is out of balance it falls over and I certainly fell over for a number of years.

The digression is over; back to last night. I decided to go to the GA meeting because a very good member was celebrating their one year birthday. These are very special birthdays in the program and I wanted to be in the meeting as a part of the celebration. I have come to learn that these celebrations are indeed milestones but it is only just a number and the number that counts for me is today I did not gamble and I did my best to be a better person. As long as I continue this one day at a time it leads up to a lifetime of positive being and happiness.

The meeting was a bit different but still very good and as it turns out a new member was in attendance. This new member like most new members was all broken up and on the verge of losing their family. Compulsive gambling is an insidious disease and does bring people to their knees; I know because it brought me to my knees. Hopefully; this new member saw the value and principles of the program and will continue to participate in the program. I know it continues to save my life each and everyday.

The meeting and the celebration was very good. I got to see some members I don’t normally get to see and I was very happy I attended the meeting. Then it was time to go home and have my nightly chat with my dear friend. I don’t know how my friend does it because they seem to get no sleep whatsoever with the small children. I know I am exhausted in the morning and have been getting up later then usual. This morning I did make it to the gym but about an hour later then usual.

As I was leaving my dear friend was up and about. There are some people who require less then the recommended 8 hours and I believe my friend is one of these people. I know as long as I get 6 I can function very well which also means working out. However; the harder I train the more sleep I need and my training program is getting more intense as each week passes. Thankfully I have flexibility and really a great deal of time to devote to work and to working out because there really isn’t much else for me to do!!

I continued with my training schedule and there is an interesting dynamic (at least for me!) happening with this training schedule. Yesterday I ran a little over 7 miles and today I ran a little over 6 miles but the time in which I ran was the same. Meaning I covered the 7 miles yesterday much faster then today; however; today felt more difficult then yesterday. It is an interesting dynamic because my mind plays a much larger role in all of this as it is simply mind over matter. I felt sluggish the first few miles today which made the run more difficult then yesterday even though yesterday was much more intense. Anyhow I did stay with the schedule and didn’t add more miles or time. This is a positive step for me.

My morning workout was over and it was time to head into the office. As I have mentioned previously Fridays are very casual and laid back since most of the staff has the day off. Today was casual but it was less laid back then usual due to many factors. I like to stay calm and through recovery along with my prison journey I continue to learn to remain calm even in a sea of chaos. I do believe everything happens for a reason and things have a tendency of working themselves out. This does not mean I just sit back and let things happen in fact I do my best all the time. This makes the day go by in a very positive matter and today was no exception.

The day was moving along and as I was speaking with my family my office telephone rang (actually I think it beeps as opposed to ring). I don’t get many calls at the office because not many people know my office telephone number. I receive most of my calls on my cell phone. I picked up the telephone and said my normal greeting; “good afternoon this is Paul”. The voice on the other end was unfamiliar and when I heard; “I wrote to you when you were in prison do you know who I am?” I struggled for an answer but after a few more sentences by this unknown person I put the voice to a letter I did receive a few months back when I was in prison.

This was a remarkably resourceful person who has been and continues to be hurt by a compulsive gambler who just happens to be their spouse. I have written about this person when I was in prison and the letter I received. I was amazed this person was able to find me at the office of all places since not even my wife knows my office telephone number. (I haven’t had the need to tell him because I always have my cell phone available.) Yes, I was a bit shocked but in a very pleasant manner. This person wanted to talk to me about something they are putting together which helps those who have been affected by a compulsive gambler just like this person.

We had a very good conversation as we spoke for over 30 minutes. I can understand this person’s pain and frustration with their significant other because their significant other does not want to seek help. This is really ashamed because no amount of intervention, prodding, shoving or any other involvement will get this person the help they so need. In GA the Combo Book states; “GA will ALWAYS work for any person who has a DESIRE to stop gambling. However it will NEVER work for the person who will NOT face squarely the facts about this illness.” It appears their spouse is not facing the facts about their illness.

I felt very good after to speaking with this person and the fact that I have written extensively and thoroughly over these past three years. I don’t know if I have helped a compulsive gambler from going down the path that I went down but it does appear there are people who read these words and seem to understand. I continue to meet so many wonderful people and here was a complete stranger taking time out of their day to speak with me. The conversation was an honor and privilege, thank you very much.

A Day in "Reverse"

Yesterday was a day in reverse. Since I did not work out in the morning I thought I would do something different. I went to work out in the evening which equaled to exactly 12 hours later then my normal morning arrival. In the past I have never cared much for working out in the evening but now I don’t have a great deal of incentive in getting home. It is just me as my family is in New Jersey and I am counting down their arrival. Normally I would want to get home and share the evening with them but now it is a bit different. Also; last night I had late dinner plans giving me a three hour window to workout.

I did workout and as I headed toward the gym I thought there could be a possibility of seeing someone who I used to work with and this someone is still somewhat upset about my actions. I do remember seeing this person before I was sentenced on two separate occasions but I was too timid to approach them. I know it is inevitable that I see this person and I was getting myself ready yesterday. As it turns out I did not see this person so I am guessing when I least expect it that is when I will see this person.

I got in a great workout and the gym is still not crowded even at this prime time hour. I think the area has been saturated with so many other health clubs that have taken away business. This was alright by me because there weren’t nearly as many people in the gym as I had thought which made it just like a normal morning workout. The odd timing had me exactly 12 hours behind schedule even as I completed the workout. I am fascinated by these odd things and it really doesn’t mean much but my day was definitely in reverse!!

After the workout I made my way over a restaurant owned by two dear friends. I have written about these friends in the past and my connection with them goes back over five years. The connection also ties in my previous job and something I did to help them when the restaurant got started. When I look back at our initial meeting over 5 years ago faith played a huge role. I just so happened to be in a place where I didn’t necessarily frequent and when they approach me about the equipment I followed through. I could tell back then that these were very good people and now five years later they are exceptional people.

We had a great dinner and their food is wonderful. This is the place where I have my free pizza deal for life but last night I was instructed to order something other then pizza. I obeyed the instruction and had angel hair spaghetti in a marinara; of course this was great. I still marvel at their breads (I am a huge bread eater because unlike most people I need carbohydrates since I burn so many of them) because they are unlike any other breads in the area. It is true back east bread and this recipe was brought in by a previous chef who grew up in Brooklyn, New York. This is also why their pizza is unlike any other pizza in the area because of the dough.

We talked for an hour and a half and as it turns out they have another friend who went through a very similar situation to mine. This other friend also spent time in prison for embezzling and was released last June. Unfortunately this other friend came out of prison a different (in a negative sense) person who is bitter to everything and everyone. My dear friends took this person in when they were released and housed them for three months but it sounds like this person was not very grateful and had to move out after the three months. Another connection is this person’s parole agent is the same parole agent I have. My friends got to know the parole agent in those three months and spoke fairly highly of the parole agent.

Most of the conversation centered on their other friend who seemed to have a difficult time adjusting to the free world. This friend was doing things they shouldn’t have been doing and I felt so sorry for this person because it appears being incarcerated did a number on them. I am eternally grateful for my incarceration because I had it much better then this person. I was able to stay at fire camp whereas this other person did make it to fire camp but after only one week got hurt and had to go back to the real prison.

This other person is female and things seem to be very different in the female prison as opposed to the male prison. Unlike in the men’s prison where the violent and non-violent offenders are segregated the women’s prison everyone is housed together. I never personally came across anyone serving a life sentence whereas this poor lady had a cellmate who was serving a life sentence. The only time I came across the lifers was when I delivered breakfast to their cellblock when I was at the reception center. I did not interact with them but that cellblock was so somber and serious just being there had an affect on me. I can’t imagine spending time with someone who is doing life so I do feel for this woman.

We talked; talked and talked some more then it was time to go. We agreed to meet in two weeks and this would be an every other Wednesday evening kind of thing. I really enjoyed the evening and they were giving me ideas as to what I should do with my career. Their idea did somewhat coincide with something that has been in my head for awhile. This idea has me consulting for the gaming industry in the area of fraudulent behavior.

I first thought of this when the investigators came to see me about my previous employer and I have already made a telephone call to one of them. I needed to call the other person and in true “The Secret” and “The Power of Intention” form this person actually telephoned me this afternoon. They want to get together and have lunch very soon and talk about matters at my previous employer. I have no idea what will come of this but the fact that I thought about something and that something came to me was the “Law of Attraction” at work. I had goose bumps listening to the message.

As I got home last night I started talking with my very good friend and we talked into the wee hours of the night. I wasn’t the least bit tired probably due to the late workout and being so happy I have so many incredible people in my life. I was up later then Saturday night when I got home after 1:00 am from the GA meeting. The time did not matter because I was so enjoying the conversation. I always seem to learn something from my friend and these are great conversations. Since I went to sleep so late (or so early depending on your point of view!) I couldn’t wake up early enough to work out so I slept in and worked out at lunchtime. I do like having a flexible schedule and since I have so much time to devote to my job the work does get done.

Positive Dynamics

I have come to realize that the dynamic of any group can be changed with either the addition or subtraction of only one person or both. This became very evident at last night’s Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The meeting commenced with the usual group; however; a few minutes into the meeting in step two members who were new to the group but not new to Gamblers Anonymous. These members were visiting the area for a few days and like any good GA member they know the value of a meeting no matter where they are located. I was very happy to see these visiting members and although I had never met them before I felt an instant connection when they walked in the door.

These members were close to me in age and time in the program. They certainly understood the program implicitly and their sharing was exceptional. GA in my opinion is an amazing program and I do know that many people don’t stay with the program for whatever reason. These two members did understand the value of the program and so do I. The people who fade away from the program may not go back to gambling (I do hope this is the case) but are missing something special.

Sometimes it gets tiresome when people go on and on about their day or week since their last meeting but this is the beauty of the program. Everyone gets their five minutes to say whatever is on their mind. I do my best to keep it on point as it associates with the particular meeting or whatever maybe bothering me that day. There isn’t a lot that bothers me lately (other than dubbing chip shots!!) in fact there isn’t much of anything that has bothered me since my release. This is why my focus is on the value of the GA program which was shared by these two visiting members last night.

The newcomers to the meetings do invoke these thoughts in me and I hope to instill a little of what I continue to learn through GA as those who have gone before me have instilled in me. Invariably I feel much better after the meeting then before the meeting and some meetings are better then others. Last night’s meeting was better then others and the last three meetings have been wonderful. The new member arrived on Sunday and Monday but unfortunately did not show last night. However; these two visiting members filled a great void with their experience, strength and hope. I may have felt a little tired before the meeting but I was invigorated as the meeting went on.

Yes, it was a great meeting last night and I do attribute this to the two visiting members which changed the dynamic of the meeting in a very positive aspect. Sometimes this isn’t always the case but the meaning of GA is helping others overcome a compulsive gambling addiction and this is exactly what transpired last night.

I spent the rest of last night talking with my good friend about a variety of subjects and I am so thankful for my living conditions. I am a very fortunate person to have a wonderful place to stay with wonderful friends. Without these wonderful friends my living conditions could not be as good. I have to admit that I do long for the return of my family but I am not fixated on this as I was a week ago.

I know the days, weeks and months will pass quick enough and it will be July before I know it. In July we will all be reunited and my daughter even asked what date we would be departing New Jersey in July. It appears if I am granted the permission that we will depart New Jersey on July 7th and hopefully our trip will be mapped out as we venture westward. I won’t have a replay of the trip we took two years ago where we completed it in three days. There isn’t any hurry and I do intend on stopping at a few historic sites along with a few amusement parks on the way. Hopefully when I am given permission to travel I will be given ample time to get across country so we won’t have to rush.

I was very tired last night and I actually adhered to the written training program this morning giving me the morning off from working out. Since I took the morning off I headed into the office much earlier then normal. Last night I was the last one to leave and this morning I was the first one to arrive. I have a fairly good handle on my duties and the financial situation really isn’t getting much better in fact it seems to be slipping. Like most things in life I have no idea what the future holds which is why for me it is best to live one day at a time. In this business it is almost better to live one moment at a time because it certainly is subject to change.

My attitude remains positive because I see no value in a negative attitude. Everything will continue to work itself out in that positive manner. I know a positive attitude is sometimes elusive for certain people especially those faced with adversity. However; I believe this is the best time to exude a positive attitude because this is exactly what helps me get through the day in a positive and purposeful manner. Life goes on no matter my attitude and choosing a positive attitude makes the world of difference for me.

Attitude is Still Everything

I had the honor and privilege to chair the Monday evening GA topic meeting last night. It surely was like old times (and I say “old times” as if it were a long time ago when in reality it was only two years ago before my sentencing) as I chaired the meeting because when this meeting first started I had chaired many times as well. I was filling in for a dear friend and it was my responsibility to come up with the topic.

I didn’t have to think long about the topic because it occurred to me when I was at the wonderful Saturday birthday meeting when one of the birthday celebrants was talking. This celebrant spoke about “doing the right thing” and how this has become a mantra for their 25 years in GA.

I did write about this on Sunday and it was still with me yesterday which is why I chose “do the right thing” (not to be confused with the Spike Lee movie of the same name!) along with “what does this mean to you” and “how has GA helped if it has helped at all”. I thought the meeting went well and it was one of the shortest meetings I have attended since my release.

I am a big believer in the meetings and I like to cut out all of the unnecessary items which seem to make the meetings longer. Announcements can be drawn out so I like to summarize. The meeting lasted 40 minutes but there was a great deal of insightful things said in that period of time.

“Doing the right thing” is an unbelievably simple concept yet it truly alluded me for so many years. I would do the right things most times but when faced with a very big decision to do the right thing I did the wrong thing because my thinking was completely distorted by my compulsive gambling addiction.

Thankfully through the GA Program my intention is to do the right thing each and everyday one day at time. A simple rule of thumb I use is if I have to ask myself then it probably isn’t the right thing to do. It is so much better to do the right thing because it all corresponds with honesty. GA is a program of honesty and now I can be honest and open with myself. This is a wonderful way to live and I do love my life.

I was pleasantly surprised to see the new member who attended Sunday night’s meeting come back for their second meeting last night. This new member spoke about doing the right thing but being so new to the program doing the right thing didn’t have the meaning to this member then it does to me. This is sad but it does show me how baffling and insidious a compulsive gambling addiction can become.

I know I was the same way because I could justify my actions when I was compulsively gambling and those justifications were certainly not doing the right thing. Hopefully, this new member’s stick around to find out what exactly is the right thing because it is well worth it (certainly in my opinion).

I did like the fact that the meeting was short and to the point. Sometimes the meetings go much longer then necessary which is why it is good to have quick, solid and poignant meeting in less then one hour. I do love our GA group because these are truly incredible people and the meetings are wonderful. It was great to chair and hopefully others got something out of the meeting as well.

I was faced with a bit of a morale quandary when my boss asked me to play golf this morning. The morale quandary was squashed when I spoke with my boss and thankfully the golf was discounted. At first I wasn’t going to play because it wouldn’t be doing the right thing; however; after discussing it with my boss I realized how fortunate I have become over these past six weeks since my release. This would be the fifth time I would play golf and I was feeling guilty. This guilt did not stay long with me and I did play golf this morning. I was still able to get my work done and had a fantastic day.

My attitude started to wane a bit on the golf course after I dubbed a few chip shots. I was hoping I was immune to this poor behavior but apparently I am not. I was feeling upset as I dubbed these chip shots but something in my head caused me to smile instead of cursing. I had to smile because my attitude was getting to be borderline ridiculous. Here I was six weeks after being released from prison playing golf on a very nice golf course on a very beautiful Tuesday morning and I was upset. I was upset because I dubbed the chip shots; now that makes no sense. I had to laugh and thankfully I righted myself before I went completely off track.

I was hitting the ball much better all through the day but I couldn’t score since I couldn’t chip. This is part of the game and if I want to improve the only thing I can do is practice. I remember standing out front of our old house with my children chipping golf balls into a net. This was great fun as my children joined me. I did get better by doing this but it has been almost two years since I had done this. I may have remembered how to hit my driver but chipping is another story. I’m not sure if I am devoted to practicing the chip shots since there are more pressing needs in my life so I will enjoy whatever golf I play and I won’t lose the good attitude.

I was back at the gym this morning after taking yesterday off since it was much needed. Today was day one of week number three of my running program which meant I was back on the treadmill. My legs felt so much better then on Sunday and I had no problem completing the 7 miles. I adhered to the 7 miles and stopped. This is a big deal for me because I like to push myself further but I learned last week to train within myself and the benefits will be much better. It was a very good workout and added to a great day.

Legs Aren't What They Used to Be

It appears I have much difficulty running three consecutive days. I did my best to stick to the training schedule trying to overcome the day I skipped early in the week. I did very well the first two days but yesterday after completing just three miles I could tell I wasn’t going to make the scheduled 14 mile run. I gutted it out for one more mile completing four miles but my legs felt like lead weights.

I thought I would be better served riding the cycle for the next hour instead of running with legs that seemed to weigh 200 pounds a piece. The cycle did the trick in getting all of the lactic acid out of my legs and at the end of the hour I felt great. I felt so good I was considering running another four miles but thought I got enough aerobic conditioning for the day. I was right because there was no need to kill myself so early in the training regime as I still have 8 weeks until the marathon.

I was surprised how badly my legs felt when I first started running and I was even running at a much slower pace then the two previous days. I am getting older and I am not 30 anymore, heck I am not 40 anymore!!! Three consecutive days of running does take its toll on me and I intend to avoid this in the next 8 weeks.

The key to training for a marathon is the long runs which are usually performed on the weekend. Yesterday was my long run for the week but I fell woefully short; however; we I added up my mileage for the week I wasn’t as shy as I first thought since I put in more miles the other days of running. I still have to concentrate on these long runs and do need a break of one day before embarking on the long run. All was not lost because at least I received the required aerobic training for the day.

There is a huge difference between aerobic training and marathon running training. A good example of this is exhibited in the fittest person on the planet; Lance Armstrong. Over a year ago the incredible cyclists completed his first 26.2 mile marathon by completing the New York City Marathon and his quote was, “that was the hardest thing I have ever done”. This is coming for the world renowned cyclist who won the Tour de France six times in a row and oh by the way cancer survivor. This statement gives new meaning for marathon runners.

I can attest to the difficulty having completed four out of five marathons entered. It really isn’t so much the aerobic conditioning but the constant pounding on the legs. This was evident to me yesterday when I took my first step. However; upon cycling my legs felt so much better. I do believe cycling maybe a much better exercise because it is non-impact conditioning whereas running is constant impact conditioning. Anyhow; I know my limitations and I will adhere to those limitations.

I had all of yesterday afternoon to myself so I decided to come into the office and catch-up on some work and personal work. I had promised a friend I would redo their resume and I finally finished it yesterday. I also had a great conversation with my wife and once again I reiterated how much I miss her. This really doesn’t help matters because there is nothing we can do about it other then wait three months (it is actually now less then three months, yay!!) until we are reunited.
This is the toughest adjustment; in fact this is the only adjustment from being in prison. Of course I missed my wife while I was in prison but it seemed very different now that I am out in the free world without my family. Yes, it is only temporary and the time will pass soon enough so I will stop dwelling on it!! One last item on this subject and I will drop it; I love my family so much and can’t wait for their return.

I didn’t have far to go for the Sunday night GA meeting as it is held down the hall from my office. I have always had a fondness for the Sunday night meeting probably because the therapy section is held under candlelight which sets a great mood. Last night’s meeting was very good because there was a brand new member who brought the face of a very young person to the room. Our GA group doesn’t have many young people and overall GA is certainly lacking in this area. I know when I was much younger I wanted nothing to do with GA as I was afraid and thought I could “control” my gambling.

Well, this didn’t work out so well and hopefully one of the young people who walk in the meeting takes something with them that helps for a lifetime. I did focus my therapy on the new member and who knows maybe something hit home. This is so difficult because any program of recovery will NOT work if the person is unwilling to help themselves. I know it took me 20 plus years of insanity before I was willing to admit defeat; however; I am eternally grateful for this program of recovery.

This morning was a scheduled day off from working out as my legs needed the day to rest. I also needed to do some laundry this morning so I took my time in getting to work. I got the laundry completed and headed off to start the work week. This morning I was very productive and the morning went by very quickly. The work week was off to a good start.

Over 1,300 Years of Recovery!!!

I am an incredibly fortunate person to be associated with a phenomenal program in Gamblers Anonymous. Yesterday I had what can be called a “GA Day”. I attended the regular Saturday morning meeting which was fantastic and later on I drove with another exceptional member some 80 miles to a GA love fest. It was a love fest because three superior members were each celebrating their 25th year in Gamblers Anonymous. I knew one of the celebrants very well and knew of the other two celebrants. I went for the person I knew well but really I went because it is all a part of my recovery.

Over three years ago when “it” all happened I knew I needed help with my illness. I also knew there wouldn’t be any short-cuts to recovery because I had been battling my compulsive gambling addiction all of my adult life. I immersed myself in recovery and in GA. As I was doing this I met and continue to meet so many extraordinary people who help me with my recovery. When I entered the program I wanted to speak with people who had considerable time in GA and find out how they had done it.

I have been fortunate to meet people with a great deal of time in GA some with 20, 30 and 40 years of recovery. I wanted what they have and thankfully these incredible people were willing to give it away. I absorbed as much as possible early on in the program and came across one of the celebrants last night. Three years ago this celebrant was kind enough to take me to an amazingly spiritual meeting in the same location of last night’s meeting. I will not forget that meeting three years ago which was held in a church basement with so much recovery in the room.

Last night recovery was bountiful from the dinner at the Chinese restaurant to the actual meeting itself. There had to be over 50 GA members at the restaurant which may have overwhelmed the staff because it took almost two hours to receive our food. The principles of the program were surely tested during this time period but I know for myself the lack of service did not faze me whatsoever. My tolerance and patience levels have increased since my incarceration and I didn’t even have to call on the Serenity Prayer as we were waiting for our food. I mostly sat there and took it all in with a smile on my face.

I was surrounded by so many people who truly understand GA and I was hoping some of it would rub off on me. I couldn’t help but to be extremely happy the entire evening. I have come a long way in the past three years and I love the direction my life is taking. I met so many wonderful people and I met others who had gone through the same things I have gone through. As much as I would like to think I am unique; quite simply I am not unique. There were others who spent time in prison and most of them had spent more time then me. I am exceedingly fortunate in this regard.

The dinner was over and it was time to go to the meeting. The meeting couldn’t be held in the usual location of the church’s basement because there were too many attendees. Instead of being in the church basement the meeting took place upstairs in a much larger room. One hundred chairs were set out and those chairs were filled and twelve people had to stand. Yes, that is correct 112 people were in attendance which is by far and away the biggest GA meeting I had ever attended. Not only were there 112 people in attendance there was a substantial number of years in recovery represented in all of the attendees. Someone calculated that there was over 1,300 years of recovery in the room. Wow; this amounts to over 11 years of recovery per person which is astonishing when you consider the fact there were two brand new attendees who were at their first meeting.

I was in awe of the room and fellowship which ensued for over three hours. I did not mind that the meeting took over three hours because I did my best to absorb each word that was said. Since there was such a big crowd everyone’s sharing was limited to two minutes and most of the time was spent on praising the birthday people. I was no exception and I must state I was a bit nervous when I spoke.

If I want to pursue a career in public speaking I need to become more comfortable and know what I am going to say before I stand in front of the group. I wanted to address the newcomers but I was so nervous of running over the allotted two minutes I concentrated on the birthday people most notably my friend. It is odd because I have no problem standing in front any group no matter the size but for some reason I felt a little intimidated last night. I believe I was overwhelmed with all the “seasoned veterans” of recovery. There was no need for me to be nervous because there are the nicest people I have ever encountered in my life. They do “get” the program and are all givers in the highest order. I do aspire to be like this and going to these types of meetings is the right thing to do.

Someone mentioned the slogan “do the right things” and this really sums up the GA Program. It is a program of honesty, openness and willingness and this person went on to say that doing the right thing is ALWAYS doing the right thing. This is so simple but so powerful. It isn’t about perception it about reality and the key for me is to do the right things even when no one is in sight. If I am true to myself and true to the program I walk the talk since actions speak louder then words.

I do believe this was a huge problem for me when I was gambling as my sense of logic was completely distorted. I would do the right things when everyone was looking but when they weren’t looking I lied, cheated and stole. Thankfully with my Higher Power’s help and GA’s help these days are long gone. If there is a piece of trash on the ground I pick it up even though no one is around and this may sound too simplistic but it is working very well for me.

I was able to spend three hours in the car as we drove to and from the meeting with this other exceptional member who I consider friend. The common characteristic of the three birthday celebrants was giving back to the program which is why people came from all across North America to celebrate these birthdays. I had a fantastic evening and I am so happy I made the decision to enter that GA room over three years ago because my life has changed for the positive in every aspect.

"Don't Dance so Fast"

A friend of mine just sent me an email titled “Don’t Dance so Fast”. This is an email chain created by a young girl who is battling cancer. The poem brought tears to my eyes and as I read it I have come to understand the very truth of each word over these past three years. Life is NOT a race and it is not meant to accumulate the most possessions, money or whatever other material item anyone can think of.

Life is a journey and in my opinion a beautiful journey that is meant to be enjoyed one moment at a time. It is so easy to put off today what can be done tomorrow; however; no matter how hard anyone tries tomorrow never arrives. Tomorrow is always a day away (please forgive me “Annie”!).

Over these past 3 years and especially in the time I was incarcerated I have developed a new found respect for life. Life is precious and it is promised to no one which is why I do my best to make the most of each day. Right now is all I have and those moments hopefully will lead into a lifetime of love, beauty and purpose.

I along with my Higher Power’s assistance choose my attitude each moment and fortunately over the past three years I have developed a positive outlook on these moments. Life is special and it is so easy to get caught up in the rat race but it can all be taken away at anytime. It is okay to stop and “smell the roses” and stare at the blue sky. The world is filled with marvels and I am blessed beyond belief with all the love in my life.

I can say that I have had more reflective moments in the time I was incarcerated than I have had in the past month. I need to be more reflective and enjoy each day as if it were the last day on earth. This may seem like a morbid thought but truly nothing in life is guaranteed. Forty-two years ago I was brought into this world and it has been an incredible forty-two years. I would like to look forward to the next forty-two years being even better but my focus must be on today. This focused does build up over time and in the short three years I have been in recovery this time has been amazing. I won’t dance so fast and I will enjoy every moment.

I needed to write those last few paragraphs after reading the poem because the poem touched me so very much. I sit here in a very special place even though my family is 3,000 miles away. I continue to have great days and today was one exception. It started last night when I was able to see two very dear friends that I haven’t seen since my release.

One dear friend that is associated with the GA Program and that even came to visit me when I was in prison. This wasn’t at the GA meeting/visits; this was when I was about 400 miles away at the “real” prison. This dear friend along with another dear friend made the long drive and we spent a fantastic day together. I will never forget that day as it is forever etched into my mind.

This dear friend was at my office yesterday afternoon and it was wonderful seeing them. We chatted for a little bit and then we said our “good-byes”. This dear friend has been dealing with so many health problems and I pray for them everyday. Yes, everything happens for a reason but sometimes it is difficult to focus on this aspect when so many things are happening. My dear friend’s attitude was incredible and we will see each other very soon.

After this meeting I went to pick up a pizza and saw another dear friend who I hadn’t seen since my release. I was greeted with a huge hug and a kiss. We couldn’t talk long because the restaurant was very busy but I was inviting back later on this week so we could talk without interruption. These are two of the many blessings in my life and I couldn’t help but to smile as I drove away. My life is amazing and I continue to be touched by so many amazing people.

This morning I decided to get some extra sleep before the GA meeting which meant I would exercise after the meeting. This worked out very well and I went to the meeting first. It was a great meeting with magnificent therapy. Every GA meeting I have attended I always feel better then when I first entered the room; however; some meetings are on a higher level then other meetings and this was the case this morning. The group wasn’t very big nor was it very small; the numbers of attendees seemed just right and everyone participated with meaningful therapy. GA is an incredible program and I am blessed to be associated.

After the meeting I went to the gym and had a great workout session. This was an unusual time for me to be at the gym but having the extra sleep certainly helped in getting a better workout. I even received a few pointers from another member as I was working out and I am all for getting pointers on exercises. My mind is open to suggestions and these were not only great suggestions they were great instructions. I also continued my running workout for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon in June. I sort of messed up the schedule this week which means I have to run three consecutive days. Today was day two and the first five miles were difficult but the last three got better.

Here is the poem:

SLOW DANCE



Have
you ever watched kids



On a merry-go-round?



Or
listened to the rain



Slapping on the
ground?



Ever followed a butterfly's erratic
flight?



Or gazed at the sun into the fading
night?



You better slow down.



Don't dance so
fast.



Time is short.



The music won't
last.



Do you run through each day



On the
fly?


When you ask How are you?



Do you hear the
reply?



When the day is done



Do you lie in your
bed



With the next hundred chores



Running
through your head?



You'd better slow
down



Don't dance so fast.



Time is
short.



The music won't last



Ever told your
child,



We'll do it tomorrow?



And in your
haste,



Not see his

sorrow?



Ever lost
touch,



Let a good friendship die



Cause you
never had time



To call and say,'Hi'



You'd
better slow down.



Don't dance so fast.



Time is
short.



The music won't last.



When you run so
fast to get somewhere



You miss half the fun of getting
there.



When you worry and hurry through your
day,



It is like an unopened gift....



Thrown
away.



Life is not a race.


Do take it
slower



Hear the music



Before the song is
over.

Fantastic Friday

Well another work week in the books and it is already April, yay!!! Yesterday afternoon my boss asked me if I would like to join him for a round of golf today since there fourth person could not attend. As strange as it may seem I actually had to think about it and I have declined an invitation from him a few weeks ago. I did think about it and thought “why not”. Business isn’t going very good but this doesn’t seem to bother my boss so why should it bother me. I am an extremely generous boss and I knew he would pay for my golf so cost wasn’t a concern. The real concern lay with where that money was coming from. The more I thought about it the more I realized I need to make the best of everyday and playing golf today was the best for today.

Last night I came home to an empty house which is a rarity and a bit unnerving. Since my friends are nearly always home I thought something may have happened but it just turns out they were living their lives. I had my dinner with no one around and it just wasn’t the same. The house is always filled with energy and as I sat there by myself I felt a bit lonely. I enjoy the company of my friends (hopefully they enjoy my company) so it was strange sitting there alone.

Less then an hour after my arrival one of my friends did come home and all was well. By this time I was in full decompress mode and I was in my bedroom. I didn’t want a repeat from the previous night of inane surfing of the internet so I did what I had to do on the internet and got off. I was actually asleep earlier then normal since I had to get up early for the gym. I needed to get to the gym early because I was meeting my boss early as well to drive to the golf course.

I did get up without any problems and was at the gym much earlier then normal. I got a great workout and this training for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon is going very well. I didn’t work out yesterday which meant I was one day behind in my training schedule. I did yesterday’s training this morning and it was very good. I accomplished the workout in less time then it normally takes me so I had a few minutes to spare before meeting my boss.

I spent that few minutes in Starbucks getting an iced green tea/lemonade. I was so surprise to see this particular Starbucks was opened 24 hours a day. I guess people need their fix of Starbucks and they can now get it at anytime. We moved to this area 7 years ago and back then it was a town where the sidewalks were rolled up at 7:00 pm but I guess things have changed!!

My boss drove to the golf course and we had a great discussion about recovering. My boss is a recovering compulsive gambler and a recovering alcoholic. He has over 30 years in AA which is phenomenal since he is only a few years older then me. He came to AA at the age of 15 and has stayed sober ever since. I marveled at this because when I was 18 I wanted no part of Gamblers Anonymous as I thought I could do it myself. This didn’t workout so well but I am eternally grateful for my recovering now.

My boss entered AA as a 15 year old because the rest of his family had entered recovery at basically the same time. It truly was a family affair and now it still is a family affair since everyone in the family is still active in recovering. This is amazing and I do learn so much from anyone who is recovering. The experts say “an addiction is an addiction” and I do believe this to be correct. Something consumed my life and I am powerless over this something which turns out to be gambling. It doesn’t matter whether it is an addiction to gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, shopping or fill in the blank; addictions take over people’s lives. In recovery a successful recovery people get back their lives and my life continues to improve with everyday.

I had a great time on the golf course and the weather was incredible. It was more like a summer day then a spring day with the temperatures in the lower 80’s. I played so much better then last week and can see my game coming together. I still have no chance at making the PGA Tour but there was a marketable improvement from last week to this week. The smile on my face was there all day long and yes, it was a fantastic day.

I returned to the office later this afternoon and finished up some work. I was planning on going to a minor league baseball game but events of my past prevented me from attending. It really “is what it is” and situations like this will come up from time to time. I do believe in the “path of least resistance” and it was much less resistant for me to stay at home this evening instead of attending the baseball game. I had mixed emotions attending the baseball game in the first place because the last time I was in that stadium my daughter was coming in from centerfield to perform with her cheerleading troupe. It does seem strange to attend a baseball game without my family so I do believe I am better off.

These are some of things I must contend with and for the most part everyone has been incredibly supportive. There are detractors out there but as long as I continue doing the right things life gets better. I cannot do anything about the people I come across who might be less then supportive and I do accept this wholeheartedly. My life continues on a positive path and my attitude is also very positive.

Inane and Wasteful

There are times where my mind just zones out and last night was one of those times. I wasted an hour late last night mindlessly surfing the internet. I had no real direction and went from one inane search to another inane search. As I was performing this lesson in futility I was questioning myself but I still continued to basically kill time. This was the first time since my release that I went through a mindless venture. Funny I did this last night at a time where I should have been sleeping and over one month ago I would have been safely tucked away in my bed.

I have refrained from the mindless television viewing but the internet seems to have more of an appeal for me. I was catching up on the news and the next thing I know I was off and surfing. I may have a great deal of time to make up but making up by mindlessly surfing the internet is not appropriate. I had other things of a more constructive nature that I should have been doing but didn’t.

This blog is all about me being accountable and I was not accountable for my time last night. I can see getting sucked into the internet once again which is why I need to write about it. This may seem like those little things and I would like to keep it at the little stage before it escalates.

I have also found myself really missing my wife over the past few weeks. Strangely it seems more difficult now then it did when I was in prison. I am eternally grateful to be a free person and to be able to do the things a free person can do; however; not having my wife with me seems more evident now that I am a free person.

I had a feeling this would happen because over the time of my incarceration it was much easier to deal with the fact that my wife was not with me as opposed to now. Now I am back in the place where we shared for five years and I’ll admit it is more difficult. I know it is only for another three months and I will continue to remain patient.

I last saw my wife at the end of February and before that it was three months. I am getting closer to a permanent status with my family and the closer I get the harder it seems to get. Oh the Serenity Prayer does serve me well because I cannot change any of this and I have the wisdom to know it won’t be much longer.

I had to forgo my workout this morning because I needed to be at work very early. We attended a training session at a place where I needed to obtain permission to enter. I had received the permission earlier this week and that was funny because it wasn’t very difficult. The only difficulty I seem to be having is obtaining permission to go to New Jersey everything else is very easy. Some times it seems almost too easy and I have to remain vigilant. I don’t want to do anything wrong and in my quest to do the right things I continue to document my every move just in case but today I was cleared.

The training session wasn’t one of the best training sessions I have attended. In fact; it was fairly bad and my boss and I departed after lunch. The instructor who seemed very nice but lacked focuses as he was off in many different directions. The subject matter wasn’t very complicated but the more the instructor spoke the more the subject matter become complicated. Thankfully my boss had had enough and did take me with him after lunch. We did have two others from the office that remained and when they returned it appeared I hadn’t missed anything.

This is one of my character defects where I think I know more then most anyone else. I do my best to absorb any information but at times such as today it is difficult keeping my judgments at bay. I let my mind wander as the training session went on and this seemed to help. I also have a tendency to come across a bit stand offish and I have been really working on this over the past three years. I know I have a long way to go but I have come a long way in the meantime.

I made it back to the office this afternoon and spent the bulk of my time trying to install a postage machine. I am not the most mechanically inclined person but I do have some common sense. I am much better with electronic components which are what this machine was. However; I still couldn’t get it to work and I even placed a telephone call to India!! I am still amazed at these call centers in those far away places and the somewhat ridiculous comments such as “is the device plugged in??” Yes, the device was plugged in and after 30 minutes I had given up. I have one last try as I do believe it has something to do with our telephone lines because the machine cannot obtain a dial tone.

I will say it was great having to deal with a postage machine and getting on the telephone to India. These are the small things which mean nothing in the grand scheme of my life; however; it is how I deal with these small things which affects the grand scheme of my life. I was frustrated but spent more time laughing to myself then anything else. After all it is only a machine!!!!

"Unfinished" Stuff

There have been a few items which have remained “unfinished” over the past few years. Of course all of these items are in regards to money. I have had three different scenarios where I needed to obtain some type of closure. Today I was able to close one of those items and the conclusion is not exactly as I envisioned. This had to do with something that allegedly transpired over three years ago. As the years passed the legend of this item grew and today that legend has been put to rest.

I had to make a telephone call to a place where I did a great deal of “business” (for lack of a better word!) in the past. I had to go to their website to obtain the telephone number and the mere sight of the website sent shivers down my spine. I have come a long way in three years because I can remember when I would visit this website everyday multiple times a day. I didn’t want any part of the inner workings of the website so I obtained the information I needed and quickly closed the browser.

It was worth it to me to make the telephone call because it certainly did not hurt anything to ask. I spoke with a very nice gentleman who after a few minutes of being confused did remember the situation. As it turns out something I thought had happened over three years ago did not happen which makes more sense to me. I received information that the infamous bank wire was returned to my bank account; however; that bank account had been closed so supposedly this wire was sitting in limbo for the past few years. This was not the case because the bank wire was never sent in the first place and the money stayed with the business that it was intended for. This may sound a bit convoluted but it really is simple as something never happened and it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

I did have some delusions of obtaining this bank wire after all these years but after receiving the word from the “horse’s mouth” I felt better. Sadly, I was offered something by the very nice people I spoke with that wasn’t an option. I am happy to report I have three years, one month and five days since my last wager and I wasn’t even tempted after hearing the offer. I know where this would all lead and I am not willing to go down that road for any amount of money. I really enjoy life without gambling and I do know my life is so much better now then it has ever been. The lack of money has made me do stupid things in the past and I am not about to relive those mistakes.

Interesting enough none of the “unfinished” business is working out as I would like. I have two other items which needs to be addressed. I have started working on those and they are not going in the direction I thought they would. It really is only money and I do firmly believe everything will work out for the very best. I am at the stage where I am not sure what the very best would be but I am sure I will discover this very shortly.

In the Gamblers Anonymous we talk about how compulsive gambling is NOT a financial problem rather an emotional problem. The financial problems do cloud over the real issues and I realize I do have an emotional problem. Of course I created a “few” financial problems do to my activities and I doing my best to address these financial issues. I owe a lot of people so much and yes, that does include the financial owing. I was hoping to get a head start on paying everyone back by addressing these issues but right now it is not going my way. It really isn’t about going my way as I created this mess and know everything is working out the way it should.

My life is indeed wonderful and I continue to see great things happen. There is no doubt in my mind these great things will continue to happen and they will happen one day at time. These issues of mine were created over a significant period of my life and the resolution won’t happen overnight. The resolution will happen but in due time.

Anyhow, I had another wonderful day and I even got out of bed when I was supposed. I continued to work on another proposal for that same state agency I have become very familiar with. This bid is much better then the one I worked on yesterday and hopefully we will be successful in obtaining the bid. As I was working on the bid I came across a website which I had no clue existed. This website laid out all of the bids for the State of California and I was surprised how many different proposals there were. My particular company can only address a minor percentage of these proposals but for a state that is supposedly out of money they are creating work for many people.

As usual I was able to speak with my family today and my daughter was very talkative. She asked me several questions from where would we live when they come out in July to can she get a cell phone when she turns 11 next year. These questions were really unanswerable as my response was “I don’t know yet” and “we’ll see”.

Also my daughter wanted to confirm with me that I would not be able to come out to New Jersey for her communion and I said, “Unfortunately I cannot”. My daughter is an amazing child because she said, “that’s okay we will have someone videotape the communion so you can see it”. I told her I would be with her in “spirit” and she completely understood. I am so blessed with an AMAZING family and I love them so much!!!!!

Speaker's Meeting Part II

Yesterday evening was the Monday evening speaker’s meeting for Gamblers Anonymous. This particular meeting was started over two years ago and I remember being at the very first one. At that meeting there were only four other attendees and in the two years this meeting has grown. That first meeting was a very powerful speaker who has over 25 years in the program. This is a good friend who I do my very best to emulate. The second speaker’s meeting I spoke and last night I went for a repeat performance.

A few things have happened in the past two years so I had enough material to fill-in the gap. This meeting is only an hour long and when I get going I can speak for a long time; however; I concentrated on keeping my talk to 30 minutes just like my first speaker’s meeting. I was successful in keeping the talk to 30 minutes and it seemed to be well received. The focus of my talk was indeed recovery and how life gets so much better without gambling.

I received some very good comments at the end of the meeting and many people called me “inspirational”. I’m not sure I am comfortable with that particular term because all I attempt to do is my very best each and every day. I can think of so many other GA members who I would label inspirational and most of these members have over 20 years in the program. I am a baby in terms of being in recovery with only 3 years. It has been a very interesting 3 years but the true test for me is when life goes back to a normal flow. This is why I constantly need GA in my life because the alternative is disastrous.

I have tried to quit gambling on my own and it didn’t work out so well. I have been able to abstain from many different things in my life over the years but I need help arresting my compulsive gambling addiction. The GA Program preaches a one day at a time philosophy and I am so grateful to finally understand this concept because it continues to save my life. I also believe for me it is a one day at a time program for a lifetime.

I thoroughly enjoyed my second round at the speaker’s meeting and the more I think about it this is the type of thing I would like to do. I feel very comfortable in front of a group and if I go back in my history this has always been the case. I feel more comfortable in front of the room then in back of the room. In high school I made one of my best decisions which were to get involved with the plays. My dear friends were directing the plays and it gave me so much confidence in front of a crowd. I also remember my first public speaking class in high school where I excelled like no other subject I had taken before or since.

I need to come up with a way to combine my passion of public speaking with a career. I would like to tell my story to others in hopes of being able to help someone. In June there is a very large conference for Problem Gambling Awareness and Treatment. I have become very good friends with the organizers and some of the presenters.

The deadline for presenting had passed while I was “away”; however; a dear friend of mine had asked me to speak on one of the panels. I was very enthused to appear on the panel but the subject matter isn’t a very good match. The subject matter has to deal with how the casinos address problem gambling in a positive manner. I am not exactly a good match for this matter as I am some what the antithesis of what they are trying to achieve. Today I did ask another friend who is involved with the conference if there are any openings on the recovery panels and he is going to try his best to get me on one of those panels. I am so grateful for all the wonderful people I continue to meet inside and outside the GA Program.

The meeting last night had 13 attendees and they were a fantastic audience for my subject matter. I know I can do much better as I started to wander a bit with my story; however; everyone was so appreciative. These are incredible people and it is an incredible program. It was a fantastic Monday evening and my life continues to get better with each passing day.

This morning it was back to the gym as I wasn’t needed for baby sitting duty this morning. I did have a hard time getting out of bed this morning but I do realize I have plenty of time to workout in the morning and I am not obligated to get to work at a set time. My Mondays and Tuesdays are long days at work since I center this on the GA meetings. I am in the office for at least 11 hours on these days so getting to the office a few minutes later than usual isn’t a big deal.

The ironies in my life continue as I spent most of the afternoon preparing a bid for the public entity I am currently beholden to. If things work out as planned this public entity will become one of our biggest clients and combine this with the conversation I had the other week with my former employer the ironies seem endless!! My former employer also may become an integral part of my new job and all of this is in the purview of recovery. My current employer provides a great service and these entities are in need of this service. It would be great if this all works out and I know it will.

Stop Being Selfish

I started my day today a little different as I babysat for my dear friends this morning. (I am always amused by the words baby-sit and baby-sat. I did my best to NOT sit on the babies and I would venture to guess sitting on babies is not exactly what the parents have in mind!! I guess the better term would be baby “monitor” but that doesn’t have the same zing as baby-sit!!) I was happy to forgo my morning workout for spending an hour with my friends’ children. I have mentioned they are much younger then my children and the youngest one is indeed a baby.

There is something to be said of a 7 month old who is still not able to crawl. This did bring back memories of my daughter and son at that age. I have always said that mobility for little ones was overrated and once they get mobile it really is all over. This 7 month old is right at the age of being angelic. He sits and laughs more then he cries which is always a positive. I doubt the non-mobility will last much longer and once he gains mobility status look out because he will want to keep up with his older brother.

My dear friend gave me a 15 minute reprieve as he came home earlier then I expected. This was not necessary but much appreciated and I did enjoy my different start to the day as I headed out for another work week. Work is another word that I find humorous because to me inherently the word work has negative connotations. I don’t know a substitute for the word work because going to the “office” sounds so mundane. I will stick with the word work but to me it is anything but negative and in my situation it is a blessing. I once again had a smile on my face as I drove into the office.

The situation surrounding my work could be construed stressful; however; I do see opportunities instead of problems. My hopes are to capitalize on these opportunities in a positive manner. I am not one to stress out about the situation and I do know whatever is in store for me will be great. This brings me to an advertisement I heard on the radio while I was driving to work. This week a company is having a seminar on positive being and the theme is positive mastery of oneself.

I was intrigued with the advertisement and went to the website. I was thinking about signing up for the free seminar and may still do this later on this week. The website was filled with things I continue to learn from Dr. Wayne Dyer in the “Power of Intention”. It truly is about positive living as opposed to positive thinking. I believe the thinking must be sent into practice which really makes it positive being.

I have something in my mind that I want to do and it will come to fruition very soon. I do my best to practice positive being and it would be great to hear more of this from a different perspective. I know everything happens for a reason and there are no coincidences in life. Having no coincidences in life means everything does serve a purpose and life without any purpose is simply no life. This is why my life does have a purpose and gets better each and everyday.

This afternoon I spoke with my family like I do everyday. I spoke at length with my 7 year old son who is becoming quite the professional wrestling fan. He would have fit very well in at the fire camp because the nights they aired the professional wrestling matches the television room was filled. I on the other hand am not a big fan of professional wrestling; however; when I was my son’s age I did watch it religiously every Saturday morning.

Thirty-five years ago wrestling could be found on one off channel and today it is a multi-billon dollar industry; however; the concepts haven’t changed; good versus evil. I was happy to hear my son was rooting more for the “good” characters over the “bad” characters. My wife is not exactly enamored with the fact that my son watches professional wrestling especially when he uses some of the moves on his 10 year old sister!!

I do have mixed thoughts because on one hand it is gratuitous violence but on the other hand he is 7 years old and when I was 7 years old I was interested in the same thing. The key is to find the balance and I’m not sure how that is achieved but I can’t wait to be with him full-time so we can either watch wrestling together or not watch wrestling together. The key to that last statement was the word “together” because that means the world to me being together.

I also spoke to my wife about the prospect of having the children come out to visit me for a long weekend and it appears this will not happen. The issues are money and finding the time where the children won’t miss their activities. The weekends are booked until June with their activities and my wife certainly can’t take the time off from work to come out here. I have had some very generous offers from family and friends which have been overwhelming. I do want to see my children as soon as possible but I do understand the situation and I can wait until July to see them. This will be when we drive back across country and we will be a family once again.

I have been selfish in wanting to see my children before July and I have to stop feeling selfish. It is not about me it is about all of us and I can wait three more months to see them. I do miss them tremendously but time passes by quickly and as my father pointed out last night “too quickly” some times!! The time will pass and we will be all together once again, this is what matters most being truly with my family in mind and body. I love them and I will stop being selfish.

True to Myself

The other evening when I had dinner with a very good friend which almost seems from another life, the statement was made that I did not appear to have changed in the time I have been “away”. The only noticeable change by this good friend was the fact that I seemed even more humble. I just thanked my good friend but have thought about this statement over the past few days.

I do believe this was a compliment and a positive attribute. The fact that this good friend mentioned the words “more” and “humble” in the statement meant I was indeed a little humble at some point in the past. I do believe I have always been a humble person outwardly but inwardly I had this streak of believing I was better then most. I have come to realize through a set of learning experiences that I am no better then anyone.

I have always had a special relationship with this good friend and I hope I was true to myself back then. Yes, I was true to myself and I am not nor have I been a bad person in the past in spite of what I have done. I always and still do believe that I treat everyone with respect and I was a good person to work for. I have a very easy going temperament and this has not changed over the period I have been “away”. I am true to myself and the biggest difference is I no longer gamble which has been the albatross around my neck for a very long time.

I think I have changed on the inside as I am now more truthful in every aspect of my life. I still treat people the way in which I would like to be treated and this will not change at any point in my life. I have made my share of large mistakes but I have also found peace of mind along with honesty. These are the cornerstones of my recovery and life continues to get better with every passing day.

Today was another great day with great friends. The weather was very UN Southern California like with dark clouds, rain, wind and cool temperatures. We had to really think about going out there and playing golf; however; someone was smiling down on me as the weather did get better as the day moved along. I had a wonderful time with my two very good friends and it did remind me of old times.

I must say I am not a very good golfer. I would characterize my golf as a player who is not horrible but also who is not very good. I am somewhere in between these two values. There was a time where I was playing a great deal of golf and I did improve. I finally cracked into the 80’s a few years ago after playing in the 90’s (that is score wise) for what seemed like an eternity. Taking 20 months off from swinging a golf club certainly did not improve my game but on the other hand it really didn’t diminish my game either. I am still somewhere in between lousy and good. Today I hit a few good shots and a few lousy shots. The lousy shots seemed to out number the good shots but that didn’t stop me from having fun.

In the past I would beat myself up over the lousy shots and I must say playing golf was one of my sanctuaries while I was doing the bad things I did. On the golf course I was looking over my shoulder and I was able to compartmentalize my gambling for those hours I played golf. I had turmoil going on in my mind but it was minimized during the golf game. Thankfully, I no longer need to compartmentalize my gambling because I don’t gamble anymore.

This is a huge relief and all I cared about was having fun which is what I did today. I had fun with my good friends and it was awesome seeing them. Somewhere along the way I must have done something right because I have incredible people in my life who have stayed with me over the years. These are dear friends and I am blessed to be in their company. The blessings were huge this weekend and I thank my two friends for a lovely two days.

After the golf game my good friends drove back to Las Vegas and we will keep in touch. I do hope to be able to visit with them very soon and who knows maybe it will be before I get off parole next year. (Yes, by the way I am now down to 12 more months on parole as one month has already expired.) We gave each other handshakes and hugs; and I’m not sure if they even realize what their friendship means to me because it means a great deal. I watched them drive off and just smiled.

I had two hours to kill before the GA meeting so I went to the gym. This is something I don’t normally do in the afternoon but I though “why not”. I do get a good workout and in fact it was one of my better non-aerobic workouts in awhile. I was under a time constraint and worked out harder in that short period of time than I do with much more time. It was a wonderful way to break up the afternoon between a fantastic golf game and a very good GA meeting. The workout ended and I went to the Sunday night GA meeting.

I have always enjoyed this particular GA meeting because the therapy section is performed with candlelight. Three years ago this meeting was my second meeting I have ever attended and it was in this meeting I realized what I needed in my life. I need GA in my life to have a great life and in three years my life continues to get better. The meeting was good and I must say it wasn’t one of the best meetings I have gone to but invariably I always seem to feel better after attending a GA meeting. This was the case today and I do love the GA program.

Tomorrow is the Monday evening Speaker’s meeting and I will be speaking. This will mark my second time speaking at this particular meeting and now I can finally fill in those blanks which existed in that first meeting. I am looking forward to speaking tomorrow and I will write more about that in tomorrow’s blog.

A Very Grateful and Fortunate Person

Yesterday evening I was fortunate enough to drive to a surrounding GA meeting with three great GA members. In that meeting there were two birthday celebrations; a one year and a thirty-six year. I was there to celebrate the birthdays but I was there to support the member who was celebrating his thirty-sixth year in the GA program. This particular member has become a very good friend of mine and took the time to speak at my sentencing hearing over a year and a half ago.

This is a person I do my best to emulate and the fact that he has over 36 years in the program informs me what this program is all about. This program is a program of recovery and in recovery an essential element is giving back. This member gives back at a tremendous rate. In fact, most of the members I have met with substantial years in the program give back at tremendous rates. This is no coincidence as the fact that the three other people who drove down to the meeting with me give back to the program by being involved.

The GA Program is all about helping others with a compulsive gambling problem and it is regular everyday people who are involved. I am sure there are some doctors, psychologists and other professional people in the program but for the most part these are regular everyday people who also have a compulsive gambling addiction. I am more then blessed to be associated with this program and like a very dear friend said to me, I hope in 20 years GA will be a part of my life. I want and need GA in my life which is why I continue and will continue to be involved with such a fantastic program one day at a time for a lifetime.

The ride to and from the GA meeting is sometimes an adjunct to the meeting itself and last night was no exception. I remember driving to the same birthday celebration three years ago when I first entered the program. At that time I drove down with two other members and those two members are still very involved with the program. In fact one of those members was in the car last night.

This time the two other members in the car had come into the program while I was “away”. It doesn’t matter how much time they have in the program because it appears to me that they “get it”. It is a program of service which means helping others and last night these two members were helping me as I witnessed their dedication to GA. I have said this before but it does bear repeating GA is an incredible program with incredible people.

I went to sleep knowing today was going to be a great day and it certainly was a great day. I got up and went to work out. Since I am “officially” training for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon on June 1st today meant a long running day for me. I got in a very good 12 mile run before I met my very good friends for a game of golf.

The run was excellent but I do have a difficult time adhering to the training program. I’m not sure what it is but for some reason I want to push myself even harder then the training program. I went to Runner’s World on-line and had a marathon training program printed out for me and I even selected the category of “hard” for type of training program but in my mind this must not be hard enough. Oh well, I went a little harder then the training program today but I am getting better because the last time I ran I went a great deal harder then the training program. Anyhow it was indeed a very good training session.

After I finished my exercise session I went to pick up a very good and dear friend who was joining for the golf game. We drove to the golf course together and met my two other very good friends who drove all the way from Las Vegas so we could play golf today and tomorrow. These are old and dear friends. Our initial connection early was that we worked together a long time ago but through the years and different other jobs we remained friends.

We not only remained friends when I moved out of Las Vegas but we remained friends when my fall from grace happened. This is a true definition of the word friend for me. One of these dear friends visited me twice while I was at the fire camp and that meant taking a 280 mile drive one way. God is definitely shining down on me with all these incredible friends.

It was great to see them and it was like old times when we used to play golf together. The golf round went very well and I played okay. I do have a lot of rust in my game but the smile remains on my face. Bad shots don’t mean what they used to as I laugh most of the time. There are a few “what was that” as my swing went awry a few times but hitting a golf ball into a lake really has new perspective. I have no hopes of playing on the PGA Tour and I am grateful to be able to be outside playing a game I enjoy. It was a wonderful afternoon with wonderful friends. My life continues to get better with each passing day.

We capped off the day with a great dinner and an outstanding local seafood restaurant. I will give this place a plug. If anyone is in the Temecula, California area I highly recommend “Harry’s Pacific Grill”. This was my second time eating there since my release and both times the food was fantastic. I do enjoy fish and the first time I ordered the salmon which was splendid. Today I had the Halibut which was just as good. It was a great meal with great friends. It was so good to see them and tomorrow I get to play golf again with these two dear friends.

More then "Casual Fridays"

I got home from work last night and made myself some soup and had a roll. This is all my stomach could handle but it was feeling better. I spent the rest of the evening talking with my dear friends who have been more then kind to me by allowing me to stay in their home. I am forever grateful for their kindness and generosity. I know it is not necessary in their eyes but someday I do hope to pay them back.

This is why I have made myself available for babysitting duty; however; this week my schedule preventing this from happening on two different evenings. I felt bad but my dear friend did let me know that it was okay I had other plans. I don’t feel obligated to baby sit, I definitely don’t mind because I want to help. I am sure there will be other occasions in the near future and I hopefully I can pitch in.

I slept much better then the night before because my stomach did calm down and even went to work out this morning. If the financial aspect of my job ever improves it would be the ideal job for me. The people are fantastic and I don’t mind the work. Fridays are down days for the office staff as most people take the day off.

My boss is always off golfing on Fridays and today was no exception. He asked if I wanted to join him and although I would love to I just couldn’t make it work. My boss was playing this afternoon and early this evening I am going to a long standing GA member’s birthday party (36 years in the Program!!) and would not have been back in time to get to the meeting so I didn’t play. This is okay because good friends are coming to visit me this weekend and I am playing golf with them on both Saturday and Sunday. Playing golf on three consecutive days would be a bit excessive.

I am looking forward to this weekend and seeing my friends and of course along with playing golf. Really with my job the weekend does start on Friday since hardly anyone is in the office. I purposely woke up later then usual (to catch up on my sleep!) and got into work later then usual because it was a Friday. I had a quick meeting with my boss and took it easy at the office for most of the day.

As I mentioned this would be an ideal job because I can see when my family returns this summer only working half days on Fridays and being there to pick up my children from school. That is what life is all about to me spending time with my family. Since I was given a preliminary go-ahead for the trip across country with my family I have been talking to my wife about that particular trip.

I am in no rush and my wife has left the planning of the trip up to me. I mentioned the trip to my daughter and she suggested visiting some theme parks along way which I thought was a great idea. My daughter loves roller coaster rides and it would be great if we could go on one roller coaster in each state we drive through. This will take some planning since the major theme parks aren’t in every state but I am sure there are roller coasters in every state. Also I would like to stop in the historic areas such as Washington D.C., Virginia, and Mt. Rushmore along the way.

I do believe my Parole Agent will give me a specific date when I need to return to California and hopefully that date will be a realistic one. It would be great if we could enter California from the north and drive down the Pacific Coast Highway. This has been a dream of my wife’s for sometime and I do believe now is the time to fulfill this dream. I am formulating thoughts in my head and writing these thoughts of where to stop along the way. I would like to come up with an itinerary but I will not be solely committed to this itinerary as I am sure unexpected stops will appear along the way. I have three months to plan and it is going to be a wonderful trip.

The most driving time consecutively we did was going from Las Vegas to my sister’s house in Colorado which took a little over 12 hours. This was a very long day and was not conducive for a happy family. I won’t drive 12 consecutive hours in one day on this trip because I do want to enjoy the ride and that is not enjoying the ride. I think the first stop (after stopping at roller coasters in New Jersey, Delaware, and Maryland) would be Washington D.C. where we could take the tour of all the historic landmarks and then from there maybe venture in Virginia.

I do remember taking a trip to Williamsburg, Virginia when I was much younger with my family and it being a disaster. It was in the summer and it was so hot and humid no one was having any fun. I would like to avoid the disaster so I will approach colonial Virginia cautiously. There is a theme park in this region so that just might be the disaster avoiding ticket!!!

One Month into "Freedom"

Being indigent does have its perks!!! Yesterday evening I had a lovely dinner with a very good friend of mine. This friend of mine goes back to a time where I certainly lost my mind yet this friend has always been there for me. We have had a very peculiar relationship from the start as I believe we were once related in a previous life. There are people in my life who are extraordinary and this person is certainly one of them.

The dinner was good but the conversation superlative. I can’t remember the last time I sat in a restaurant for over three hours just talking. I was filled in on the past few years and there was a great deal to fill me in on. This dear friend is connected to me through a previous job and we do have a long history. All of this history has been positive in every aspect. I was blessed with good people who I worked with through and through. Now we have developed a very special relationship.

I can’t reiterate enough what I did was wrong; however; the reception I have received from most people (if not all) has been positive. A few messages were relayed to me and it was good to hear their names along with their well wishes. My actions are very hard to understand for most people who don’t understand the compulsive gambler.

I did a very good job at what I have termed “professionalizing” my compulsive gambling over the years. I hid it from just about anyone, my wife has subsequently said to me she knew I was gambling but did not know to what extent. This good friend last night did not know I was compulsive gambling at the time of my crimes and this was certainly my intention to hide it from anyone. I even hid it from myself as my denial raged on for 20 plus years. Thankfully, my denial came crashing down over three years ago and life continues to get better.

It is difficult to not play the “what if” game and people do ask me the “what if” questions. There is nothing I can do to change or alter my past, “it is what it is”. Having the “what if” discussion may make interesting conversation but it has no place in my psyche. Many things have transpired at my previous employer since my departure and many of those things aren’t so good. I’m not sure if my fall from grace had anything to do with those things but I would guess it is not a coincidence. I did work with and for some very good people. Many of those folks are no longer there for various reasons. I wish no ill-will on anyone and hope everyone finds peace and happiness.

Yes, the dinner companionship was excellent and the evening went by so quickly. I returned home (to my dear friends’ house) and quickly got ready for bed. Recently I was presented with a book on how to sell cars and started to read this book last night. The book is written by one of the (if not the leading) trainer for car salespeople. I don’t know if I will venture into the car sales industry but I do need to keep all of my options open. Car salespeople don’t have the greatest reputation in the world but this book does present a very doable way to sell cars for the long haul. As usual I will take it one step at a time.

I didn’t have a very good night sleep as I was tossing and turning all night long. I think I ate too many peanuts during the day because my stomach was in knots. I was up and down all night long. This was the first time since I departed prison (incidentally one month ago today, where has that time gone!!) that I had difficulty in sleeping. I had all intentions of working out this morning since I took yesterday as a day off but I felt horrible this morning. Rest was in order and it has taken all day for the knot in my stomach to partially release. I had a non-dairy smoothie for lunch along with a shot of wheat grass (which is pressed grass and it does taste exactly as its name-sake). This seemed to have helped but I am still not 100%.

One month since my release and wow what a month it has been. I have been able to do so many things and time is moving by so quickly. The best part of the past 30 days has been the fact that I have been able to speak with my wife and children each one of those 30 days. Also; being able to use a bathroom with a door on it does have its benefits!!! Life is moving along quite nicely and the novelty of being in the “free world” has yet to wear off. I do hope it is more then a “novelty” because it is so wonderful to enjoy my freedom, life is spectacular!!