Inane and Wasteful

There are times where my mind just zones out and last night was one of those times. I wasted an hour late last night mindlessly surfing the internet. I had no real direction and went from one inane search to another inane search. As I was performing this lesson in futility I was questioning myself but I still continued to basically kill time. This was the first time since my release that I went through a mindless venture. Funny I did this last night at a time where I should have been sleeping and over one month ago I would have been safely tucked away in my bed.

I have refrained from the mindless television viewing but the internet seems to have more of an appeal for me. I was catching up on the news and the next thing I know I was off and surfing. I may have a great deal of time to make up but making up by mindlessly surfing the internet is not appropriate. I had other things of a more constructive nature that I should have been doing but didn’t.

This blog is all about me being accountable and I was not accountable for my time last night. I can see getting sucked into the internet once again which is why I need to write about it. This may seem like those little things and I would like to keep it at the little stage before it escalates.

I have also found myself really missing my wife over the past few weeks. Strangely it seems more difficult now then it did when I was in prison. I am eternally grateful to be a free person and to be able to do the things a free person can do; however; not having my wife with me seems more evident now that I am a free person.

I had a feeling this would happen because over the time of my incarceration it was much easier to deal with the fact that my wife was not with me as opposed to now. Now I am back in the place where we shared for five years and I’ll admit it is more difficult. I know it is only for another three months and I will continue to remain patient.

I last saw my wife at the end of February and before that it was three months. I am getting closer to a permanent status with my family and the closer I get the harder it seems to get. Oh the Serenity Prayer does serve me well because I cannot change any of this and I have the wisdom to know it won’t be much longer.

I had to forgo my workout this morning because I needed to be at work very early. We attended a training session at a place where I needed to obtain permission to enter. I had received the permission earlier this week and that was funny because it wasn’t very difficult. The only difficulty I seem to be having is obtaining permission to go to New Jersey everything else is very easy. Some times it seems almost too easy and I have to remain vigilant. I don’t want to do anything wrong and in my quest to do the right things I continue to document my every move just in case but today I was cleared.

The training session wasn’t one of the best training sessions I have attended. In fact; it was fairly bad and my boss and I departed after lunch. The instructor who seemed very nice but lacked focuses as he was off in many different directions. The subject matter wasn’t very complicated but the more the instructor spoke the more the subject matter become complicated. Thankfully my boss had had enough and did take me with him after lunch. We did have two others from the office that remained and when they returned it appeared I hadn’t missed anything.

This is one of my character defects where I think I know more then most anyone else. I do my best to absorb any information but at times such as today it is difficult keeping my judgments at bay. I let my mind wander as the training session went on and this seemed to help. I also have a tendency to come across a bit stand offish and I have been really working on this over the past three years. I know I have a long way to go but I have come a long way in the meantime.

I made it back to the office this afternoon and spent the bulk of my time trying to install a postage machine. I am not the most mechanically inclined person but I do have some common sense. I am much better with electronic components which are what this machine was. However; I still couldn’t get it to work and I even placed a telephone call to India!! I am still amazed at these call centers in those far away places and the somewhat ridiculous comments such as “is the device plugged in??” Yes, the device was plugged in and after 30 minutes I had given up. I have one last try as I do believe it has something to do with our telephone lines because the machine cannot obtain a dial tone.

I will say it was great having to deal with a postage machine and getting on the telephone to India. These are the small things which mean nothing in the grand scheme of my life; however; it is how I deal with these small things which affects the grand scheme of my life. I was frustrated but spent more time laughing to myself then anything else. After all it is only a machine!!!!