Great Visit

Today my wife and I took my mother to the airport so she could return home. We had a great visit. My mother commented that it was probably her best visit ever. I would have to agree. In spite of all the uncertainty we all had a fabulous time. She was able to spend quality time with her grandchildren and we were able to spend quality time discussing "things". This was the first time in a long time that I wasn't trying to sneak in my bets and finding out the scores. My mind was focused on my mother's visit not who was winning the insignificant baseball game.

The last time my mother visited was at the end of October of last year and the only thing I remember from that trip was taking the children out on Halloween with my mother. The rest of the time I really have no recollection. I was too busy getting my bets in and other "stuff". My compulsive gambling continues to amaze me as to how much it consumed me. I tried to do it "professionally" which meant I never got too high after a winning night or too low after a losing night and I did this very well; however; the effort I put into the entire gambling process is mind boggling. Physically I was there with my family but mentally I was definitely some place else. It really was insanity because there is no rational reason for this type of behavior.

I am so happy my mom came out and shared my 40th birthday with me and my family. Yes, I am sure this visit is bittersweet because I have no idea what the future holds as to my freedom. However; I do know I am thankful for everything everyone has done for me and my family and I am so grateful to have magnificent mother. Yes, I took this for granted in the past and I am truly sorry for not being the son my mother had envisioned. I am getting the necessary help and guidance to be the son and I will make her proud.

Today I had to explain to a prospective employer about my current "legal" situation. I really hate these moments because it brings up my horrible past and the horrible things I have done. The prospective employer really wanted to hire me; however; based on my uncertain position they could not. I fully understand because it is a business decision and the business community does not look favorably on someone who has done the things I have done. I don't blame anyone but myself and it really doesn't matter how much I have changed in the past six months. The facts are facts and they speak for themselves. I am changing and need someone to really take a chance on me and I cannot ask this of anyone. I can say anything but it is actions that speak louder than words and my previous actions speak very loudly. Everyday I try to have positive actions and I have done so many positive things in the past six months but they do not erase what I have done. There is no amount of wishing and hoping that will make all my past deeds go away; it is me that has made and will continue to make the changes and I work on these changes each and every day.

I have already had someone who is near and dear to the family take a chance on me and I thank God they have given me the chance to prove myself a worthy person and also bring in some type of income. These are people who are nothing short of amazing; they could have turned away from me and my family and instead they have embraced us. Thank you so very much for all of your support. My days of lying, cheating and stealing are over and I know as each day passes I get stronger from those that surround me and my higher power. Compulsive gambling is a horrible addiction and it made me do horrible things. I haven't made a bet in five months and twenty-seven days and I don't intend on making one today.