Stop the Pain

I was speaking with a friend of mine last night and as we were taking a trip down memory lane this friend aptly quipped; "you wanted the pain to stop". This friend was so correct; when I was confronted 11 months ago it marked the end of a long sad saga in my life and yes, the pain did stop. I firmly believe I wanted to get caught because I was so careless and the madness had to come to an end. Plain and simple it was madness; I exploited a weakness because of my weakness and I will suffer the consequences.

One of the consequences is my recovery and I thank God everyday I don't have to live like I did over 11 months ago. I know a new life and this life does not include the insanity of gambling. This life is a good and purposeful life which I cherish each and every day. I know the true meaning of family and friends. My family is beyond words and I am truly blessed by everyone in my family. I have lost some friends over the past 11 months but they weren't really friends just acquaintances and I have found some new friends. These new friends are true friends because they accept me for who I am. Also, I have some tried and true friends who have stood by me and my family through this very difficult time; I am a very fortunate person.

Tomorrow marks a very significant day in my court proceedings because something very important will happen. I cannot give it away at this time but I can say something definitely will happen. It is not something positive or negative it is something and this will lead into the final phases of the court proceedings. What I have done is wrong but I have to say some of the things I am accused of are baseless but I have been well versed on how the court operates by my attorney. It is with this knowledge I have come to a decision and although I am not completely comfortable with this decision I have to accept it because this phase is completely out of my hands. Any thought of doing some risky would not be prudent and would do damage to my family.

I know I have done damage to my family but I hope time does heal all wounds. I am not relying solely on time to heal these wounds I am relying on the tools I have learned in my recovery. These tools have been instilled in me by the Gamblers Anonymous Program and one key tool from the GA Program is "principles before personalities". I had to separate my personality from making the decision I made because it was getting in the way and the principle is what matters most. Sure I hurt my pride by making this decision but it is better than the alternative which would be to hurt my family.

Today I attended a group compulsive gambler session at a local treatment facility. I knew the person leading the group and this person asked me if I would like to attend the class and I was very interested. At first when I looked at the handbook which was a repeat of what I have done in my recovery for these past 11 months I wasn't impressed and I was even a little cocky. This was the old Paul and after a few minutes of taking an inventory of myself I was able to get into the handbook and the group session. Recovering from any addiction is a life long process and when I start to think I know more than anyone else I get into to trouble. Briefly this afternoon I started to think like this but fortunately I was able to address my character defect in time and the group session went very well.

Old habits die hard and I am so glad I was able to understand my thinking so clearly because it has been a long time since I have done it this way. Usually in the past I would just do things and not think them through. As long as I continue working the Steps in the GA Program those days of not thinking and poor choices are gone but I must not become complacent. Complacency breeds contempt and contempt has no place in my life.

Just about 11 months ago I was able to stop the pain and a new type of anxiety arose from this pain but I know I have the tools to address this anxiety in a proper way. I didn't know how to cope with myself for so many years and I let my poor uninformed choices rule my life. Not anymore all of my choices are with thought and I do understand any choice I make has consequences affecting not only me but those that surround me. I don't know why it took a very large building to fall on top of me to finally realize I have a compulsive gambling problem but it did and I am on the right road to recovery. I am so very grateful to be on this road because there are some wonderful people on this road. Some of these people have been there for a very long time and I neglected them and some of them have recently come into my life. I am a very blessed person to be surrounded by such great individuals. I will make it through tomorrow and keep on that road to becoming a much better person.