Being Wrong

Today was a day in which something was finally resolved in court. I would like to say it was a successful day or a small victory (as my attorney pointed out) but that wouldn't be a fair assessment. The entire ordeal which I caused by my actions has not been a good experience. The only good part of the experience has been finding help with my compulsive gambling addiction and for this I am forever grateful.

The other side which is the consequence side has been extremely difficult not only on me but my wife. I can explain every which way from Sunday what my compulsive gambling addiction has done to me and my family but the simple fact is I caused this destruction with those actions. Yes, the compulsive gambling is a huge part of it but it doesn't diminish or absolve my actions. My actions have spoken volumes and for this I must suffer the consequences. It would be nice to think that the judge would recognize my compulsive gambling addiction as a mental disorder and order treatment along with rehabilitation but that would be in a perfect world. I do not live in a perfect world I live in an imperfect world with imperfect people to which I am one.

I do feel terrible about the destruction I have caused but I do feel good about myself because after twenty plus years of denying my compulsive gambling addiction I am finally doing something about it. Step 10 of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program states; continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. I was wrong in what I have done and I apologize to all of those that I have affected directly and indirectly.

Keeping along those lines I would like to retract a few things. In the past I have stated I have found the true meaning of the word friend. Yes, I do understand what a true friend is but I ignored some very basic facts such as what I did to people who considered me a friend. I was looking at it wrong. I was looking at through my arrogance (big character defect); there were people in my life who really thought I was their friend and one of those people was my ex-boss and I apologize because I was wrong to think that my ex-boss didn't consider me a friend. I believe this is what has hurt him the most. I betrayed our friendship because when I really think back he and I told each other some things that went beyond the work environment and shared some personal experiences together. I completely forget these moments and I apologize for letting him down.

As I was talking to my only link to my former life I remembered all of these things. Now I can completely understand as to why he (my ex-boss) is taking this so personal. I not only betrayed his trust but I betrayed our friendship. We did have a very good working relationship because he is a very smart man and works very hard. But I on the other hand am not as smart as him nor did I work nearly as hard but when a task needed completion or a subordinate needed speaking to I would always be there for my ex-boss. We did have a good working relationship and that blossomed into a friendship. I threw that friendship away by my actions and I had the audacity to question his friendship to me. I viewed this all wrong. I was the friend that messed everything up and definitely caught him by surprise.

In accordance with Step 10; I was completely wrong when I stated that some people are not true friends. It was ME who was not a true friend and for this I apologize. This may sound like I am having a pity party for myself but I am not. I am going through my personal inventory and trying to clean up my side of the street. Yes, I do regret all of my past actions but there is no way I can change any of those actions I can only concentrate on today. Part of concentrating on today is reflecting to the times when I was wrong and promptly admit each of those times. I have a long way to go in the process of recovery but I know I am on the right road because my mind is focused on healing not gambling and this makes for a much better life.

Finally; as part of National Problem Gambling Awareness Week here is another article as to what compulsive gambling can do to a person. Please pay particular attention as to how bad gambling had a grip on this poor woman. The GA "Red Book" has a passage under Step 1 which reads; "....Some, pathetically, even after making a big win, found themselves in worse trouble within a short period of time. We continued to gamble. We found we had risked loss of family, friends, security and jobs. We still continued to gamble. We gambled to the point where it resulted in imprisonment, insanity or attempted suicide. We still continued to gamble and were unable to stop...." If this story does not emphasize this passage I don't know what does.