First Dream

Today being exactly one month to my sentencing date it was only fitting that last night I had my first dream about the upcoming sentencing hearing. I was in court with my attorney and my wife. There was no judge and no Deputy District Attorney. I was being ushered from the court by a Bailiff with my attorney and wife. I was ushered to a checkout stand. The kind of checkout stand one would find in a grocery store.

I got to the checkout stand and the clerk (checkout clerk that is) asked me what my sentencing was; I replied "I don't know because the judge hadn't told me and he wasn't even in the courtroom. The checkout clerk proceeded to ask her supervisor who appeared to be the store manager. The store manager did not know. So the store manager asked the district manager. The district manager did not know. The district manager asked the store owner. The store owner did not know and then I woke up.

Hmmm....I wonder what this all means?? I could guess and it would be fairly obvious to most everyone; which is my frustration of not knowing exactly what the sentence will be. Also the frustration of all the powers that be who seem to not know as well.

I admit I am extremely anxious. I lay awake sometimes and I can feel my heart racing for really no apparent reason. I try not dwell on what will take place next month on this date but sometimes when I wake up from a dream such like this it is very difficult to not dwell. I have never had an anxiety attack but last night with my heart racing like it was I could imagine what an anxiety attack may feel like. I have some tremendous tools to draw up and have some tremendous people in my life who have helped and continue to help each and everyday. However; it is those dark moments in the wee hours of the night where I find myself drifting into an anxious state.

Whatever is going to happen on April 21st is going to happen and I caused this myself. I have no one to blame except for myself but I am scared. I will face that day just like any other day and draw upon what I have learned in this past year. I know I will get through whatever is handed down and finally start to move forward without a heavy burden hanging over my head. I do look forward to end which will start a beautiful beginning.

Today was a very interesting day because I had two interviews. One was career related and one was with a local newspaper reporter but they both had the same theme; RECOVERY. I have never had a job interview where I was asked about recovery and today I had my first recovery interview. A few months ago I sent a resume to a Recovery Center along with a cover letter detailing specifically my situation. I received a telephone call last week from someone at the Recovery Center who wanted to set-up a telephone interview for today. I was very excited by this prospect and look forward to this interview.

The interview was very short and they told me it would be and they told me it would be an interview like no other. They were right because for 20 minutes we spoke about recovery. The people I were speaking with were both recovering alcoholics so they new addiction very well. They wanted to ensure I was committed to my recovery and after twenty minutes they said some very complimentary things to me and told me they would call me back in a few days to firm up the next interview. I was very pleased how this turned out and although timing may be an issue with this opportunity at least I know there are people in this world who will give me a second chance and I have Gamblers Anonymous to thank. Without this Program in my life I would not know what recovery is and I wouldn't have had this opportunity. Everything happens for a reason and I know everything will work out for the best.

The second interview I had today was with a local newspaper reporter and it centered around my recovery. I have been doing some work with a local recovery center and they were kind enough to send my story out to a few local newspapers. One of the newspapers was very interested in doing a story on my situation and centering it on recovery. I spoke with the newspaper reporter for about one hour and it was a very good interview. He was a very young man and he didn't really understand gambling addiction or recovery. I did the best I could to explain gambling addiction and how my recovery has saved my life.

He asked some very good questions and one of the questions he asked was; "Aren't you doing all of these positive things in your recovery to get a lesser sentence?" My response; "No, I am doing these positive things so I get my life back." Whatever the judge decides he will decide and as long as I continue working my recovery to the best of my ability life will continue to get better each and every day.

The story will be printed in the Sunday edition of the local newspaper and I am very interested to see the final product. Hopefully, this story will help someone who is struggling with a gambling problem and this person will seek some type of treatment and get help. If I can help one person reach out and get help my negative situation will turn into a positive situation for someone else. Life is a strange journey and I am so very grateful to be on a path which has shown me the positive sides of life as opposed to negative side when I was gambling. My Higher Power has a plan and I am moving forward with this plan each and every day.