Step Four

I am happy to report that last night was dream and anxiety free!!! With the exception of my poor wife's cough it was a very restful sleep. My poor wife is battling a cough and cold. She is the second one in our family to be afflicted with some type of illness. The first one was my son who contacted Step throat and had to stay home from school yesterday and today. Our family shares many things and unfortunately when one of us gets sick we all seem to get sick. We all will make it just takes time.

Before I go into Step Four in the Recovery Program of the Gamblers Anonymous Program I wanted to share something that happened to me this morning. It may seem insignificant to most people but I was dumbfounded when it happened. My gym membership expired a few days ago at a gym where I have been a member for 9 years. My membership is on an annual program which means I pay one price for the full year. Now at the end of next month I will be going away for an undetermined amount of time so it wouldn't make sense for me to commit to a one year membership.

I inquired from the gym's General Manager about a one month membership and he quoted me a price which was half of my 12 month membership and proceeded to tell me it was the best he could do. Yes, he was a young kid with a rather large ego and he didn't care if he lost my business. I was dumbfounded because he wasn't willing to work with me. I thought customers had some rights but this young man showed me no respect. My nine years of gym membership meant nothing to him. I did not make a scene; I said my goodbyes to some of the staff I have become friends with over the years and left the gym.

I went directly to a competing gym down the street and told another young man my situation. This young man did everything he could to come up with a feasible plan. He told me to write down 10 people I know who maybe interested in a gym membership. In exchange for these 10 people's names he gave me a 30 day pass for free. I was amazed because this situation was the direct opposite of the situation at the gym I had been a member for 9 years. This young man wanted to satisfy me as a customer and didn't stop until he found a feasible solution. It just goes to show me that no matter how many brick walls I may run into there are always people willing to help.

On to Step Four; "Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves". The financial part of the inventory is very easy because there is nothing left. All of my financial means have gone to pay restitution back to my former employer. Now I will try to be thorough and specific when taking this moral inventory.

I will start with my strengths; Tolerance---I have always been a very tolerant person with others, I firmly believe in treating people with respect no matter what the situation; if someone is belligerent or impatience I will treat them with respect and dignity. I believe everyone has their own faults and I will be tolerant in getting past their faults as well as my own.

Promptness---I have always believed in showing up on time as a matter of respect to all parties. I don't like to wait and I don't expect anyone to wait for me.

Communications--I believe communications is the key to any successful person or organization. I may not have been so great in communicating to myself but I took pride in communicating to others.

Humility---this is an irony when you see my defects; I have always tried to be humble in anything I did or said; now I know the true meaning of humility in my recovery. What I have done to myself and my family has humbled me so very much and each day I try to give more to others than I receive.

Optimism---the glass is half-full and everything happens for a reason; life is so much better with an optimistic outlook and everything will work out for the best.

Forgiveness---people make mistakes and I have made mistakes; this does not mean I will forget those mistakes but everyone deserves a second chance as long as they have remedied those mistakes and genuine about their behaviors. I am a human being and as a human being I am flawed; I am doing everything in my power to correct those mistakes and I have forgiven myself for what I have done. There are some people in this world that will never forgive what I have done and this is fine with me. I believe everyone is fallible and it how one reacts to this mistakes that will define their true character. Forgiveness is necessary in a civilized society because without this would be a heartless world.

Responsibility---I have always tried to be responsible for my actions even though some of my actions were extremely irresponsible. I have take responsibility for my actions and placed the blame squarely on my shoulders. I thought I was a responsible person and now that gambling has been removed from my life I am truly responsible for my actions.

Consideration---even though it may seem like my acts were very inconsiderate of others I tried in the past to think of how others would feel. I was always considerate of my staff which is part of the big shock when what I did become public. This consideration was not an act it was my true character. My inconsiderate act was caused by my ability to not address my gambling problem. I worked with some fabulous people and always tried to think of their feelings even though many of them would most likely disagree because I am not there anymore and their work lives have been made a little more difficult. I sincerely apologize for those actions.

Friendliness---treat people like how you would like to be treated my mom always said and this is what I have done my whole life. I am a friendly person because it beats the alternative and I would rather be treated by a friendly person as opposed to an unfriendly person.

Defects of Character---my defects of character can be categorized by one word GAMBLING because I became all the things I never should have become; a liar, cheater, thief, and inconsiderate arrogant person. With gambling removed from my life I still have some character defects which I try to work on each and every day of my life. Some of my character defects;

Selfishness---sometimes I wallow in my own self-pity and this is wrong. It is not about me it is about others. I need to do more things for other people and stop the self-pity.

False Pride---otherwise known as arrogance---in the past and sometimes even now I think I am better than other people. This is one of the reasons I did what I did at my previous employer; I was smarter than they were and they couldn't possibly catch me. The simple fact of the matter is I am not smarter or clever than anyone else. I am equal and most times less than equal to other people and I have so much more to learn in life.

Laziness---this is a big one for me because in the past I have waited for things to come to me to finally act on them. I was never proactive in my approach to life I was reactive and sometimes my reactions were very late. I need to be more assertive and get things done in a more timely manner. I don't necessarily procrastinate because my laziness sometime precludes me from doing the activity at all. I am making a conscience effort to do more things in an active manner and not to be lazy.

Self-Deception---I fooled myself for so long that I was not a compulsive gambler and I could gamble like normal people. This self-deception is a thing of the past because I cannot gamble ever again my life would end. I have developed an awareness of myself which I try to tune into each and every day. With the guidance of my Higher Power this self-deception has become self-awareness.

I know there are many more defects of character out there that fit my personality but those are some of the main ones. I try each and every day to rid myself of these defects but that will be addressed fully in Step Seven when I humbly ask God (of my own understanding) to remove my shortcomings.