The Day Time Stood Still

One year ago today all of my denials about my compulsive gambling addiction had become a reality when the police came to my house to arrest me. Yes, the "official" date of my legal case is March 16, 2005 when I was booked on 24 felony counts including embezzlement and grand theft. I have subsequently plead guilty to 26 (the Assistant District Attorney threw in 2 tax evasion counts at a later date) felony counts and I am awaiting my sentencing next month.

I would be remiss in not posting about that day one year ago today when time did stand still for me. I have posted some of this story in the past and I apologize for rehashing old material but it is very important to me to document this day because I cannot ever forget that horrid day.

It was a Wednesday and it had been two weeks to the day when I was "terminated" by my previous employer for my indiscretions. I knew something was going to happen but I did not realize this would be the day. I waited the two weeks while the detectives gathered all their evidence and brought charges. In this two weeks I tried to contact my previous employer through various emails detailing my gambling addiction and "why" I did what I did. I really wanted to work something out with my previous employer (this was part of my delusional thinking because of course my previous employer had to press charges) and NOT have the police involved but my previous employer didn't want anything to do with me and my reasons.

In fact; over one of the weekends while I was awaiting the charges the police came to my house NOT to arrest me but to check on my well being. Someone at my previous employer was concerned about whether or not I may kill myself and contacted the local police department. When they came to the door my heart naturally jumped into my throat but we had a nice conversation and I assured them I was not going to do anything "stupid" and I have the Gamblers Anonymous Program to thank for this.

Getting back to the faithful day last year at this time; I was at the Gym and received a phone call from my sister-in-law who was staying with us at the time with her new born daughter (my gambling not only affected me but the life of a new born baby to which I am so very sorry to have put my sister-in-law and my niece in this awful position) telling me to come home because the police were at my home and going through the whole house. I showered, called my attorney because I did not know what to do but couldn't reach my attorney and went home. I saw two detectives standing in my home talking with my wife and the next thing I know the detective was placing me in handcuffs and walking me to an awaiting police car; it was around noon and thank God neither my daughter nor son were home, they were at school.

My wife was trying to contact our attorney and I kissed her good-bye and told her how sorry I am for putting her through this, She assured me everything will be fine, what an amazing woman!!I was placed in the police car and off we went to the county detention center. The same officer who had me in custody two weeks earlier at my previous employer and let me go because the evidence wasn't fully compiled drove me to the police station. As we drove the police officer struck up a very pleasant conversation and as I heard the words coming out of his mouth my brain could not process any of those words.

We went in the "back way" so I could be processed into the jail. The detective did tell the processing sergeant that I was very cooperative and shouldn't have any problems with me which certainly was the case. After this I remember the Detective asking me if I had anything to say or would I wait for my attorney to be present. I opted for waiting for my attorney.

I was placed in a 4 x 4 holding cell for the next 24 hours with one other person because there was no room in the larger county jail so I sat and waited for 24 hours. I did not know time could stand still but that 24 hours was the longest 24 hours of my life. There were no clocks, no sun light and not much of anything but I brought this entire episode on myself and deserved this punishment. During this 24 hour period one officer took me to central processing for my fingerprints and "mug shots". The lady taking the picture wanted to make sure the picture came out good because my case was a "high profile" case and the picture would probably wind up in the newspaper. In fact this picture was part of the Al Roker Investigation Production; "Kids, Cards & Dice".

After taking the mugshot I met with another officer for an interview. The interview was merely a legal process to see if I would be eligible for bail through my own recognizance. I thought I would be eligible for this but the amount of money in which I have been alleged to have taken was much too high for this type of bail. The officer asked me several questions mostly about my family and previous work history. I could over hear the person next to me while they were conducting their interview and I noticed the Officer was admonishing the inmate because he was a repeat offender. My officer did not admonish me.

I was finally admitted to the "big" prison after 24 hours of waiting in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was placed into an orange jumpsuit and my regular clothes were placed in with the Uniform Officer. I was led to the prison in handcuffs which were attached to a large chain around my waist. I was sent to the "Protective Custody" area of the jail which meant I was with non-violent type offenders which also meant I was placed with child molesters. Never in my wildest nightmares would I have envisioned being in a place like this and those of you reading this who think you MAY have a gambling problem and are thinking this can't happen to me I would beg to differ. Compulsive gambling can take people to places where they are not proud of and 6% of ALL suicides are committed by compulsive gamblers; to me this is a significant number so please get help because it is never too late.

I spent the next four nights in the county jail cell which was 4 x 8 with bunk beds. I shared the cell with an elderly gentleman who was extremely nice to me because I was minding my own business. I believe he was there on a parole violation and had another 3 months to go. He was able to get me a few books to read and no one bothered me at all. At 5:00 am the lights went on for breakfast and we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes. At 11:00 am lunch was served and again we were let out of our cells for 20 minutes and at 4:00 pm dinner was served for the same time period.

I was a hit with the fellow inmates because I gave away my meat (I think it was meat) because I am a vegetarian and I ate their salad or fruit. The drinks were either milk which I don't drink or Kool-Aid which I tried to water down. I had always heard that the inmates in prison get bread and water. Unfortunately neither one of these food staples were available as I spent my time in the county jail. In fact I would have been ecstatic about having a clean glass of water but it was not available.

Needless to say after finally getting out I was so hungry, tired and dirty. Yes, they had showers but I didn't feel very comfortable in this shower and moved in out as quick as possible. Also, during the times other than breakfast, lunch and dinner we were allowed out of our cells for one hour intervals at least two and sometimes three times a day, the rest of the time was spent in the cell. Out in the common area there were telephones and one television. I had made a few phone calls but I had no desire to sit and watch television. Also, there was no daylight at all so only the clock showed whether it was day or night time.

During the times we were let out of the cells I would walk for the hour around the common area up the stairs passed the second level of cells to get some type of exercise because any physical (such as push-ups or pull-ups) exercise by the inmates was prohibited, I guess the guards did not want the inmates to be stronger than them. Any time someone was caught doing push-ups or pull-ups the guard will immediately yell at them the first time and the second time meant you couldn't come out of your cell the entire day.

I decided to walk to get some type of conditioning because I was going stir crazy looking at those walls. I did speak with a few inmates who knew why I was in there because my story was in the newspaper. These inmates were very "proud" of my misdeeds but I couldn't share their enthusiasm. I tried to downplay it as much as possible and changed the subject so not to focus the attention on me. The last thing I wanted was attention; I just wanted to do my time and get out of there.

At 1:00 am of the 6th night my cell was opened and the officer informed me I had made bail. My great friend came to pick me up at 3:00 am because it took two hours to discharge me which meant spending another 2 hours in the 4 x 4 holding cell. I was so happy to see my friend who drove me home and we talked for an hour at my house then he went home. My wife and children were not there (thank God) because they were in New Jersey visiting family for the Easter holiday.

After my friend left I made myself a tuna sandwich and after eating the sandwich I took the longest hottest shower of my life. I slept for a few hours before my wife called and asked me how I was doing. I was doing fine and I couldn't wait to go to the Tuesday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because I hadn't been at a meeting in over one week.

I know this is somewhat of a repost of an earlier blog but it is so important for me to understand where I was one year ago today. Yes, next month I will be going back for a yet to be determined amount of time. However; through my Higher Power, the Gamblers Anonymous Program, my family and my friends I have some unbelievable tools at my disposal to get through this next period in my life. I have seen in the past year a growth within myself that I haven't seen in my life. I like what I see and I love my recovery. I have so many people to thank for this and I know as long as I keep applying these tools in my daily affairs everything will continue to get better.