This Date

This time last year March 2, 2005 was the day in which everything had come crashing down upon me. The years of living in denial had finally caught up to me. It was a Wednesday morning and much like many of the other Wednesday mornings I had dropped my son off at his pre-school because my wife was volunteering in my daughter's first grade class. I made the 15 minute drive from my son's pre-school to my previous employer and I had so many things on my mind. I thought I had at least two more days to sure up my explanation for what was going on but I was wrong.

As I drove into the parking garage I had noticed the Assistant Director of Security standing out front. I glanced over to him and he nodded as I entered the parking garage. I parked my car and walked toward the Assistant Director of Security and he informed me that he was there to escort me directly to the Gaming Commission Office. He apologized for the inconvenience and he stated he did not know what it was all about but I probably had known. He was right I knew exactly what it was all about and I felt my stomach drop into my knees. As we made the five minute walk this very nice man made small talk about running and exercising and all sorts of positive things that he knew I did. As we reached the Gaming Commission Office we parted ways and he was so cordial I will never forget this. He said; goodbye and I knew at that instant that I would never see this man again.

As I entered the conference room I saw a police officer in another office and heard his radio. I knew this was the end. I sat down in the conference room and in entered three people one of which was my old boss, the Director of Compliance and a Compliance Officer. The Director of Compliance took charge as he normally does in these types of matters. I have been on the other side of the table in regards to these matters before and I never did really care for this man's attitude but I understood he was just doing his job. I understood this very aspect when he started asking me questions. His first question was; "You know why we are here, don't you?"

I was faced with a decision which was to keep denying or finally tell the truth. I know I made the right choice when I opted for the truth and told the whole story. After finishing telling part of the story this person asked me; "why did I do it?" My answer for the first time in 20 plus years of denying my gambling was "I am a compulsive gambler". The only response from this person was "where did I gamble?" I told him the internet and I went into how my addiction to betting on sports had led me to where I was that very day.

I had no idea at the time but I was working Step 1 in the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable". As I made this statement I felt a little release from my shoulders not a full release but a small release. I wasn't fully aware of it at the time but this was the start of my recovery from compulsive gambling.

As the interrogation went on my ex-boss had only one thing to say; he told me I had set the whole accounting department back to square one to before the days in which he had cleaned everything up. I apologized but I know he didn't want to hear anything from me because he took what I did very personally and still feels this way one year later. I can't change his thoughts I can only change myself. I know what I have done was terrible but it was not a personal attack at him it was my way of having it all. I could gamble uncontrollably and still live a normal life; it was truly fantasy and not reality. This is what I got for denying this compulsion all of my life.

After my ex-boss spoke the Director of Compliance gave me some blank papers and told me this was my chance to tell my side of the story. There was no my side of the story; in fact there is only one side of the story which is the wrong side. What I did was plain wrong but at the time I was doing it I had no control over my actions because my compulsive gambling had taken over my life.

No one but a person with an addiction can understand that statement but it is true. I take full responsibility for those actions and will do whatever it takes to right the wrong. If the Judge decides four years of state prison is the way to remedy the situation then I will do four years of state prison. I know people want to make an example out of me but I have to make an example out of myself for myself and for my family in order to lead a normal happy life. In the past year I have found the right road to this normal happy life which does NOT include gambling.

I wrote four pages explaining what I did and apologizing to everyone especially my wife and children. I did not set out to hurt anyone but that is what I did because I ignored all the warning signs. Also; what I didn't realize at the time but I was working Step 5 of the Gamblers Anonymous Program; "Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs", by writing this confession. Which is another critical component of my recovery.

Finally I finished the confession and the police officer entered the room. He had some procedural questions to ask and after a few minutes he told me I was a "nice" guy. I don't know why he chose to tell me this but he did and I think it made me feel worse. Maybe if I were a "bad" guy I wouldn't have felt the way I was feeling and it would have been easier. After this he put the handcuffs on me and led me down to his police car. I saw three people who I had worked with for the past four years as I was led to the police car and all I could do was look away. He placed me in the police car and went back to retrieve some paperwork. When he came back he told me he may not be arresting me today and told me to sit tight. This is where my sick compulsive gambler brain kicked in and I started thinking I was going to get out of it.

After 15 minutes he came back to the police car and told me to get out. He took the handcuffs off and told me he was not arresting me today because they had not collected all the evidence and the clock starts ticking as to evidence collecting when the person is arrested. They wanted to make sure they had all of the evidence before arresting me. The police officer let me go but before he let me go the Director of Compliance told me to not go anywhere which I assured him I was not. Also; as I left I told the Director of Compliance to tell my ex-boss to send the payroll file to the bank because it was due that afternoon and I obviously couldn't send it. There is no reason why 5,000 people shouldn't get paid because I got arrested and wanted to make sure the payroll file was sent.

I was escorted to my car and drove out from my ex-employer for the last time. As I drove out I knew I had to tell my wife. I placed a phone call to my wife and asked her to meet me for lunch at a local T.G.I.F. Friday's restaurant. I knew she was perplexed because I never ask to see her for lunch on the spur of the moment but she agreed. See I was a coward and I had to pick a public place where there would be witnesses if she tried to kill me but in retrospect there isn't a jury in the world that would convict her because it would have been a justifiable homicide. I told her at the restaurant what had happened and she immediately wanted to go home. We drove home and her first words were; "How could you do this to us??" She was right; how could I do this to the three people who mean the world to me. The only explanation I had was I am a sick compulsive gambler.

After the initial shock my wife went into safety mode. We talked for awhile and looked through the telephone book for an attorney. She picked the attorney out of the phone book because she liked his picture and as it turned out she picked a very good attorney. We both met with my new attorney that evening and everything was put in motion from this point forward.

In one year since that episode had happened my wife has never said a derogatory thing to me. No snide comments, no back stabbing, nothing; she truly is a remarkable person and she is my rock. My love her grows each and every day. Yes, I put my family in a horrible position but the love I discovered from so many people has truly saved my life.