Time Moves Quickly

I had a college professor a number of years ago tell me that the only thing that is constant in life is time. He went on to say time will continue to tick on by no matter what you do so make the best of all the time you have available. I haven't thought about this in a very long time but with my time apparently running out in the next few weeks I am trying to make the most of everything. Today was one of those days which went by so very fast. It was over in a blink of an eye and when I recollect on the day I am not sure where it all went.

When I was gambling all I seemed to care about was making the next bet or finding enough money to ensure I could make the next bet. I didn't care about time because I thought I had all the time in the world to win back my losses. There isn't enough time in my lifetime to ever accomplish this because I am a compulsive gamblers and I will lose no matter what.

I was retelling my story to a member of the media earlier today and this person seemed genuinely interested. He didn't really understand what gambling was all about but he knew what addictions can do to people. It was refreshing to speak with someone who was interested in what I was saying and was also very professional. We spoke at length about my battle with compulsive gambling and my recovery. He will be doing a positive story about not only my recovery but recovery of others with all different types of addictions. I am anxiously awaiting this report.

After speaking with this gentleman I spoke to a long time friend who resides on the East Coast and knows all about my situation. He is a great friend and even though we haven't seen each other for over 8 years the friendship is as strong as ever. He told my wife a joke and reiterated to me later about my pending incarceration. He told my wife she should ask the judge to put me on house arrest which would prohibit me from going to the gym and also make me eat five twinkies a day!!! Now if you know me you know this is very funny and would even be consider cruel and unusual punishment!! Of course I laughed at this joke and I do know what I have done is no laughing matter; however; it does beat the alternative which is laying in the fetal position crying.

We also talked about how I should tell my children. As I stated yesterday I must be very careful how I present this to them especially my eight year old daughter. My son really won't understand and if he hears I am going to prison he may think this is cool. My friend who also has a five year old son agreed and asked me if my son likes to play army and pretend to blow things up. Yes, my son is exactly like this. There must be something in the genes of many five year old boys because they love playing army and love blowing things up and they also may think going to prison is cool. Going to prison is not cool and it is something I thought I would have to never worry about but now it is my reality.

Getting back to how I will tell my daughter; I was concerned with her hearing the truth about what I did from me not someone else. However; I have had three different people tell me it may not be in her best interest if I told her I was going to prison or jail at this time. My friend agreed and he said to me what happens when someone asks her where her father is; will she feel so great about telling them I am in prison? He has a point and my mom also pointed this out. It maybe best in telling her I am going away for awhile but will be back.

She has friends whose fathers are in Iraq and they have been gone for over a year. So she is used to having her friend's fathers gone for long periods of time. I am not telling her I am going to Iraq because that is an outright lie and I don't want to lie anymore. I may tell her I am going away to get help and be a better person but I need to work on this some more. My mom suggested dropping subtle hints while she is in ear shot about me going away this way she is subconsciously aware before I tell her.

Obviously I am dreading this moment but it is something I must do in the most non-intrusive manner. I know being away for whatever period of time will have a lasting effect on my children but I do want them to know that I love them and will always be there for them when I come back. I have less than five weeks to make the most of my time and it really has been the best of the worst year I can have. I am learning each and every day to be a better person which makes me a better husband, father, son, brother, and friend. This will not stop because I will be incarcerated and life will continue to get better.