S.H.O.W.

I have been fully immersed in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for the past year and for this I am forever grateful because my life has changed for the better. I was thinking the other day if my life would have been any different if I entered the GA Program when I was 18 years old or if I entered the Program when I was 28 years old. Both of these times gambling had caused some tremendous difficulties in my life and my life was completely unmanageable. I will never know the answer to this question which is quite alright with me.

I thought I could "handle" my gambling problem by myself. This was a very grave mistake but I wasn't honest with myself. I wasn't willing to do what it takes to get help and I wasn't open-minded to the recovery process. Finally, I wasn't ready to surrender to my addiction at these points in my life. Thank God I have finally realized the key to success in recovery which are applying all of these items to my daily affairs.

When I was 18 years old and got into trouble that first time I was very scared. I received a telephone call from a Gamblers Anonymous member who scared the crap out of me. He scared me so much that I stopped gambling for the next four years but I never attended a GA meeting. I stopped gambling for the next four years but during my last year of college at the University of Maryland some of my roommates had never been to Atlantic City. They convinced to take the three hour drive on a Wednesday afternoon for a day trip. I didn't see the harm in taking the trip because I thought I was over the compulsive gambling thing.

The worst possible thing happened to me on this trip; I won!! I won $2,000 which to a college student was like winning a million bucks. The trip was actually somewhat of disaster because my car broke down twice. Once on the freeway to Atlantic City and we had to stay the night in town about 40 miles outside of Atlantic City. But we all decided that we had come this far and were going to see Atlantic City. Like I said; I won on the trip and when we were ready to leave I was up about $1,000. We went outside to get my car from the valet and I saw it sitting in the street; my car had not moved since we arrived there in the morning; the alternator was dead. I contacted a local gas station and had the car towed but we had to stay another night but this time we were in Atlantic City.

I bought dinner for my roommates after all I did win and was playing the bigshot. Instead of just going back to the room and going to sleep I decided to start gambling again. I continued to win and I was up about $3,000 and thank God my roommate saw me starting to lose and convinced me to call it a night before I would have blown it all. I did lose $1,000 of the $3,000 but I was still ahead for the trip. We woke up the next morning had breakfast and my roommate made sure I didn't gamble; then we took a taxi to the gas station and picked up my car.

After expenses I was still way ahead but something happened to me on this trip; that old feeling re-surfaced. People have told me in the past that once you are a compulsive gambling you are always a compulsive gambling. The GA Combo book says it perfectly; "the old obsession inevitably returns". That old obsession had returned because I had no defenses against it. Also; at this time I was working at a racetrack and until I went to Atlantic City I didn't place any wagers at the racetrack but when I came back with some cash I started betting at the racetrack. I lost $500 of the $2,000 in a matter of a few days. I stopped and bought some clothes but I was hooked once again.

I needed to retell this story because as my Dad said when I had my very first episode with gambling; "don't ever forget the awful you had when it all came crashing down." I had forgotten not once but twice because I didn't know how to face this addiction. The only way for me to face this addiction is with the acronym S.H.O.W.--Surrender, Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.

The GA Program speaks in depth about all of these concepts and has an acronym of H.O.W. I need to add the S because without surrendering to this disease nothing else will work for me. I have to fully Surrender to a Higher Power so I can act honestly with open-mindedness and willingness to do what it takes to arrest this illness.

I have seen many people come into the Program and go back out and gamble. Some people come back a few times and some people don't come back. The people who do come back are the fortunate ones because there are some powerful tools in the Program to give people their lives back. I don't know what happens to those that don't come back to the Program but I know without the Program in my life it was a mess and with the Program in my life it gets better each and every day.

Also; I was wondering why some people are very successful in the Program while others struggle? When I started my recovery I wanted to surround myself with people who have been successful with their recovery and thank God I have found them. Just like anything in life; if I put a half ass effort in I will get a half ass effort out. Which is why I am giving a 100% effort in working my recovery everyday because those people who still surround me do this on a daily basis and it really works. Also; just like in life there are some people who are very successful in their endeavors and there are some people who are not. I want to be one of the successful people in life and recovery. I have found some great people who are both of these and I thank my Higher Power for letting me be a part of their lives.