Chaos and Serenity

The last of our visitors departed today. My mother-in-law my wife's mother left this afternoon. Although she and I haven't really seen eye to eye on too many issues I do love her because she shares three things in common with me. These three things are the love she has for my wife, daughter and son. I know what I have done has also caused this poor woman so much unnecessary stress and I so apologize. I do know that when I am away my wife, daughter and son will be in good hands and will be well cared for.

I don't know if my mother-in-law will be coming back for the next sentencing date because no one really needs to be subjected to this a second time. However; I really do appreciate her flying all the way across country to show her support for me and my family. She is a good woman with a big heart; thank you.

Yesterday I touched on how the Gamblers Anonymous Program has taken me from chaos to serenity and I wanted to explore these topics a little further. Chaos is a state of utter confusion. When I was gambling which led to the lying, cheating and stealing I was in a state of utter confusion. I did not know how to stop this madness. Unfortunately or fortunately for me this madness was stopped by external forces. I could have stayed in this state of utter confusion as I progressed through this past year but I wanted to find something that would deliver me to serenity.

A state of serenity could be described as a calmness or something or someone who is bright and steady. When I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program 421 days ago my life was filled with chaos and I was filled with chaos. As I have progressed through my legal proceedings and dealings with the justice system my life was stilled with chaos but I was filled with serenity. The reason I am filled with serenity is yes, I caused all this grief on myself and my family but I cannot change those events of the past. Those events of the past are what I am going to be judged on in a few weeks and there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is work on today and just like the past 420 days prior I did not gamble and I worked the Program so my life continues to get better and serenity has taken its rightful place in my heart.

I have learned so much over the past 14 months and I am forever grateful for the people who have showed their tremendous support for me and my family. I am also forever grateful for the GA Program because it has showed me a new way of life which does not include gambling and does include being honest and open each and everyday.

I know there are some rough times which lie ahead but I will face these rough times with a good attitude. I know what I did was wrong and will accept the punishment for those behaviors. I will not crawl up into a ball and die. I will face this punishment with honor and dignity. I have been humbled by my own actions and I will continue to do my best in working my Program. Without working my Program my life is a disaster and would turn to chaos. With my Program this chaos has turned to serenity and I like serenity so much better.

My Higher Power is certainly hard at work to ensure my "bonus" days are filled with blessings. Earlier today I had a conversation with someone who is struggling with their gambling addiction. I tried my best to give this person advice as someone who had been where this person is right now and hopefully it did not fall on deaf ears. It was so very nice to reach and out and help someone because I do have a positive purpose in life. This positive purpose has been delivered to me by my Higher Power and I fully intend to use these "bonus" days as gifts because everyday is a gift as long as I am giving back and helping someone which in turn helps my recovery.

After tonight's GA meeting I had an unexpected conversation. A newer member found out about my situation and wanted to talk with me. Unfortunately this newer member is really hurting and is at the early early stages of their recovery. I tried to share my story very humbly with this member and again hopefully some of it will stick. The key for me is the Program and although it is very hard for a new member to understand they CANNOT gamble again they must accept this fact at least for today and start over tomorrow.

The key concept is to admit you are powerless over gambling; I know I am powerless to gambling because it took over my life. This newer member is having a hard time with this concept of being powerless to gambling but until they accept this fact it will never get better only worse. I know my Higher Power has a plan and maybe this newer member is in this plan but I do know I was very happy to speak with this person and hopefully they will keep coming back.

My life got worse each time I progressed through my gambling career but I do know my life continues to get better as I progress through my recovery. There is no finish line in the lifelong marathon. The finish line comes at the end of each day when I don't gamble, give back to the Program and do something positive for myself. As long as I continue doing these three things each day life will continue to get better.