Blog Number 400

When I started this blog last year I had no idea I would have made 399 posts and with this post 400!! In so many ways this blog has help aide in my recovery. I am so much better writing things down as opposed to verbalizing (is that a word?) those same thoughts. I am able to gather my thoughts and hopefully write them down in a orderly fashion which hopefully makes sense to others.

When my daughter was born in 1998 I kept a journal of her first year which was also a year in which I was not gambling. I would email these posts to my mother who made a book/journal with all the emails and we will forever have my daughter's first year of life in written form as I witnessed it. Somewhere around year two I stopped keeping this journal because my compulsive gambling took over my life. I was working at a job where I was completely unchallenged and the journal helped me the first year but gave way to the compulsive gambling for the next six years.

I didn't commit myself to Recovery 8 and 1/2 years ago when my daughter was born rather I committed myself to abstinence. I committed myself to abstinence by will power alone which proved to be a fatal mistake. It was fatal to think I could stop gambling with my own sheer will power but this was my mindset some 8 years ago. I thought I could "handle"/"control" anything in my life which was me just fooling myself. I couldn't "handle" my compulsive gambling but my arrogance made me believe I could.

Arrogance is one of those character defects I have had for such a long time. I am trying my best to rid myself of this character defect because no good can come of this thought. I am ridding myself of this character defect through the Gamblers Anonymous Program which is a Program that has given me my life back.

Eight years ago I was in a place (Las Vegas) where there are 100 GA meetings per week. The meetings are morning, afternoon, evening and some days at midnight. A town like Las Vegas where gambling is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week needs 100 GA meetings per week. The more I think about the more I am convinced there are so many other cities and towns where there "should" be 100 GA meetings per week because gambling is literally everywhere. I can toggle over to a gambling website from this computer in a matter of seconds and this goes for anyone with a computer. There is a whole new generation of compulsive gamblers but I digress and this will have to wait for another day.

Getting back to 8 years ago when I didn't find the GA Program; I didn't find it because I didn't look for it. I thought my sick twisted mind would guide me back to sanity when in essence my sick twisted mind drove me to insanity. I am not bitter I didn't find the GA Program 8 years ago or 20 years ago because that is in the past and I am forever grateful that I have found the GA Program some fifteen and half months ago. I know this Program will be with me the rest of my life but that in and of itself does NOT mean I will stay gamble free just because I love the GA Program. The only way for me to stay gamble free is to stay gamble free. Make sense???

I can stay gamble free with following the principles of the GA Program in my daily affairs but it all goes back to my sick twisted mind. I must be mindful of all these principles each and every day or that sick twisted mind of mine will lead me to the path of destruction. I have seen this path of destruction and I don't like where it has taken me and where it will take me in the not so distant future. I know as long as I keep my sick twisted mind from placing that first bet my life will continue to get better and better.

Yes, I have now made 400 posts and it is has helped me tremendously in my recovery. I do enjoy writing and hopefully these posts make sense to those of you who read them. But mostly these posts are for me to help me get better and never forget where I have been. In my past it has been easy for me to forget where I have been because my sick twisted mind released those terrible thoughts and masked them with my compulsive gambling endeavors. I don't need to self-medicate with gambling I need to recover from my compulsive gambling.

I am so happy I have found a Program in the GA Program, this blog, my new dear friends, old awesome friends and my fabulous family who have help me to recover. Recovery is a process and I am happy to be one year three months and 15 days into this process. This process will never end as long as I continue doing all the things I have done in the past fifteen and a half months. I do like this process so much better than any other process I have experienced in my life because I am finally becoming the person I am destined to be.