Options

In the life of a compulsive gambler there are two things that are truly lost forever; time and money. In the lives of some other compulsive gamblers such as myself there is a third item that is also lost which is options. On the first two items; I have lost a tremendous amount of money which I will never get back. I may have the opportunity in the future to make money but the money I have lost due to gambling is truly gone forever. The second item; time; I lost a huge amount of time while I was consumed with my gambling and this time is gone forever.

I cannot nor do I want to turn back time so I could get this time back because that would be counter-productive to my recovery. The time I spent gambling is lost time which will never be recaptured. I can only embrace today and not to waste the time I have this very day to enjoy all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me. I can only move forward not backward in order to have a successful recovery from this awful addiction.

The third item; options; I have lost the opportunity for any options. I have no option on how much time I will spend in prison this is entirely up to one person the Judge in my case. I have no option as to where my family will spend their time when I am away in prison this is entirely up to my wife. I lost the ability to control my own destiny when I decided to do the horrible things I have done to myself and my family.

My destiny in some aspects is completely out of my hands. This does not mean that I am giving up rather I have accepted my fate and will deal with it in a positive manner. I will not wallow in self-pity or remorse; these were my actions that caused all of these problems and I must deal with the reality of these actions to the best of my ability.

All of my life I have tried to "control" myself and in a sense others as well. I failed miserably when I thought I could "control" my gambling. I have written this before but gambling completely controlled and consumed me which led to some terrible decisions. There are no magic potions to get any of this back; the only thing I can do is work my recovery program and know the pain is in the past. Yes, there is some lingering pain caused by these terrible decisions and one of these pains is not being able to share the next few years with my family.

My punishment for my actions will lead me to a place where I will not be able to see my wife and children for whatever period of time I am incarcerated. My wife has made the right decision to spend this time with her family 3,000 miles away. This is the best decision both emotionally and financially for her. I have tried to come up with some options for my wife and family but my options are none existent. I was still holding on to the hope that I still had some options but I was wrong because all of my options disappeared a long time ago.

All of my life I have done things my way and some times I had no regard for those that stood in the way. I cannot continue to think this way because this line of thinking got me into big trouble. I must accept my lot in life which is to listen and let others control their destiny. I have had a great life and yes, I seemingly had many things going for me before I decided to let my gambling control me but I do know that whatever happens in the next month or next year that everything that has happened is meant to be. There is a power greater than me at work and whatever plan unfolds in this next chapter in my life I will accept it with open arms.

I have caused so much stress to two people whom I love dearly; the first one is my wife. I screwed up her life completely and now she has to take matters into her own hands and do what is right for her and the children. I obviously didn't think about them when I was doing the bad things that I did now it is her turn to make the decisions. I hurt my wife dearly and how she has made it with me this long is truly a miracle. I know it has been exceedingly hard on her these past 15 months and will continue to get harder as I am away. I will miss her and of course I will miss my two blessings; Lauren and Jonathan so very much. I cannot change any of this I can only work on myself today to be the person I am destined to be which is a loving husband and father. I believe I am on the right road and will continue on this road no matter where my family resides.

The other person who life I screwed up is my mother; there is no reason on this earth that a woman in her 60's (very early 60's!!) should have to worry over her 40 year old son but unfortunately my actions have caused this. I didn't realize what a special relationship I had with my mother until 15 months ago when I told her what had happened and she hung up the telephone on me only to call back five minutes later. Ever since that time she has been nothing but supportive and has done some extraordinary things for me and my family. I am so blessed to have these two wonderful women in my life.

It does pain me to know the angst I have caused not only these two people but countless others. I am living with this the best I can. I try not to go back and lament but there are times when I just can't help it. I won't dwell there or I will be doomed. Above all else I am a human being and contrary to popular opinion I still have human feelings and emotions. There is so much I have processed in this past 15 months and there is so much more I still have to process but no matter how this all plays out I know I am finally doing the right thing and making the right choices. As long as I continue doing the right things and making the right choices my life will continue to get better each and every day.