More of the Same..

Today was more of the same good old blessings in my life which I continue to experience on my extended "bonus" time. Before I get into these blessings I experienced something that I have not experienced in a very long time; this morning I woke up and couldn't open my eyes. My eyes (sorry if this turns out to be graphic, there maybe a point somewhere?) were encrusted with mucus and I couldn't open them until I washed my face.

This has happened to me in the past but it was when I wore contact lenses. I wore contact lenses around 10 years ago but I contracted an allergy to whatever contact lens that was in my eye and I tried many. After six months of trying many different pairs the eye doctor told me I couldn't wear contact lenses because I was secreting too much protein as an allergic reaction to the contact lenses.

I had worn contact lenses for 6 years up until that point but the allergy was too much so I stopped wearing them. Once I stopped wearing them I was able to open my eyes in the morning without any mucus proteins sticking to my eyes. It has been this way up until this morning.

About five years ago I had laser surgery to correct my nearsightedness and the surgery was very successful. I only have slight problems at night and in movie theaters; also, my reading seems a bit strained but other than that it has been great. So now I don't need to wear glasses and since I couldn't wear contact lenses I looked forward to the laser surgery.

Now I would guess many of you are saying; "Is there a point?" I will try and make one. Since my life altering event some fifteen months ago I noticed significant changes in my immune system. I have always prided myself on how I took care of myself physically (the mental part is obviously another story). I try to eat right and get exercise so I would rarely get sick up until fifteen months ago. Also; although many in my family have serious allergies like hay fever and pollen I have been fortunate not to be maligned with these types of allergies.

However; even though I have tried to do all the right things in my recovery mentally and physically my immune system has changed drastically. I have been sick more times than I can remember in these past fifteen months and I had a cold which lasted one month. When I got sick in the past the cold would last three or four days maximum so to be sick for one month was very telling. I do know it has to do with the stress and even though I continue to work my recovery to the best of my ability the mental/psychological part is so very hard. I know this has affected me physically.

I am also sure this latest "allergy" or sickness has to do with my mental state. As many of you know I should not be writing this blog but God is not ready to put me behind bars just yet and I do accept this fact. However; I have been preparing myself since March for the day in which my true freedom is gone. I have been let down two times already and I am due back in court in five weeks; hopefully for the finale. I know I have to prepare for the worse but I am beginning to realize my previous preparation has not been for the worse because not having anything happen has been the worse. Yes, I know these are things totally out of my control and I do accept those things; however; each time my mental state gets a little weaker which has affected my physical state.

In the past going way back before all this happened I told someone all stress is self-induced and I still believe this because hell I caused all of this on myself and my family. However; to simply switch a button and turn off the outside world is not possible for me. I am a human being with those darn human emotions which affect me mentally and physically. I do know I will get through this time and continue to be the better person I need to be; however; the longer it drags out the more drained mentally and physically I become.

This may have been a long drawn out example of how all of my self-induced stress has affected me and I apologize for boring some of you. The purpose of this blog is to get out my true feelings and this is how I feel; unfortunately or fortunately depending on your point of view I have these feelings. Yes, I woke up with my eyes glued shut with protein mucus for some unexplained reason but I firmly believe it is my body reacting to these past fifteen months. I do hope and pray this chapter ends next month so I can start the next chapter and be that much closer to rejoining my family and society.

Getting back to my true blessings today I had the pleasure of volunteering at my daughter's school. This being the last week of school (boy that went fast!!) today was the second grade Olympics. All of the second grades from my daughter's school participated in various events around the school yard and I volunteered for the hold the tennis ball with a spoon race. The children had to go about twenty-five yards while holding a spoon and at the end of the spoon rested a tennis ball. They could not drop the tennis ball or they would have to go back to the start line. It was a wonderful morning and some children had a hard time and kept dropping the ball but all of them had fun for the entire two hours. I am so happy to have been given this bonus time to witness more of these types of blessings in my life.

This evening being the first Tuesday of the month means it was time for the Gamblers Anonymous InterGroup meeting. I have written about this at length in the past so to refresh it is the business portion of GA. I have happily donated my time to attend this meeting as a representative from our group. Usually we have 4 or 5 of us attend from my group but tonight there was one other person who drove down with me. As always we had a great time talking in the car and I am grateful this Program has given me some great friends which this person certainly is. We were talking so much I almost missed the exit on the Freeway I had done this one other time as well. The ride takes about an hour each way but the time passes so quickly because the conversation is usually centered on recovery.

As we arrived at the meeting my sponsor who is chairman of the group needed someone to be the recording secretary because this person was absent. My sponsor asked for volunteers and no one raised their hand so my sponsor asked ("asked" is a kind way of putting it!!) me if I would mind taking the minutes for the meeting. How could I say no, rather there was no way I could say no!! I did my best and even though my handwriting is not so good I made it through the meeting. I still have to type up the minutes which I am dreading because even I have a hard time reading my handwriting!! However; sitting up at the table in front of everyone truly listening to the meeting made me feel very good. It made me feel good because this is a great organization with great people who want to help anyone with a gambling problem. I am so happy to have found these rooms because this organization continues to make me a better person.

Yes, I woke up with a strange malady and I didn't feel so great the rest of the day but I experienced some wonderful blessings which will be with me for a lifetime. No matter what does or doesn't happen next month I know I have a great life which will continue as long as I keep focused on what truly matters. What truly matters is my recovery because without this I have no blessings. Which is why I will be forever grateful for my recovery it has taught me so much and continues to teach me each and every day.