Restitution is Blessed?

"Restitution is blessed," this was the last line in today's "A Day at a Time" reading from the Gamblers Anonymous daily reflection book. The Ninth Step in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program reads; "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others". This is a large part of my recovery because I must make direct amends in order to maintain my recovery. I have written about this in the past when I discussed Step Nine at length; however; as I read the words in today's daily reflection so many things hit home.

I am legally obligated to make restitution due to my crimes driven by my compulsive gambling addiction. I do realize this will take some time and may take a lifetime but I must make restitution. I have already made some restitution with selling my home, car and giving over my bank accounts; I do still have a long way to go. Also; due to my crimes I will be incarcerated for a still unspecified length of time so making restitution during that period will be very difficult. I am faced with my former employer who seems unfazed by the amount of money taken because they have already been reimbursed by the insurance company and want me to "serve" my time as a deterrent to others.

I am processing all of this but I do know as I stated early on in my case I intend to pay back all the money I had taken. Yes, this is a formidable task but a task that can only be done one day at a time just like my recovery. When I am incarcerated there is nothing I can do to make restitution except for taking on jobs inside the prison and maintaining my recovery; I cannot project the future. I can hope the job that has been offered to me a few months ago is still available when I get out but realistically this does not seem possible. So I must live each day one at a time and know that what I am doing the right thing now which has worked so well for the past fifteen and a half months and it has also worked so well for so many others before me. I know I will start to live life once all my legal issues are resolved.

I never looked as restitution as a blessing until reading today's passage. It is a blessing because it is another part of my recovery and my recovery is a blessing. My recovery is a blessing because it has not only saved my life but given me my life back.

I have done so much research on my particular legal case that my mind starts to spin when I think of how many different scenarios there are and how each case seems a bit different even though the circumstances appear to be the same. Take for instance the state of Missouri where "white collar" crimes are treated differently than the rest of the country. In the state of Missouri if a person is convicted of a "white collar" crime and there is restitution to be paid to a victim or victims they can ONLY be either sent to prison or ordered to pay restitution not both. This is a very interesting approach because how can a person who is sent to prison start to pay back the restitution; it is rather difficult. Then there is the argument on the flip side; some criminals want to go to prison to avoid paying back their victim; this would be considered a bailout.

Bailouts in Gamblers Anonymous are considered detrimental to one's recovery and I agree. I have received several bailouts while I have battled my compulsive gambling addiction and time my problem got worse. These bailouts didn't teach me anything not until coming to the GA Program did I realize this. I am not getting a bailout this time all though there are some people out there who are near and dear to me who have allowed me to spend this time not behind bars rather with my family and I am forever grateful. I don't know if this would be considered a bailout in the GA Program but I do know I wouldn't have experienced any of my recovery without this unbelievably kind act.

Getting back to the restitution because I owe so much money and had to sell my home and care I know I my wife a great deal. I took away a very good life and I will have to somehow make this up to her the rest of our lives. The only true way to make any of this up to her is to stay in my recovery and not stray. I know if I stay in my recovery our lives together will continue to get better no matter where we reside. If I stray from my recovery our lives together cease to exist.

This is a fairly simple choice; I want our lives to get better which is why I choose to get better each and every day. I won't stop this recovery even though we maybe a continent a part because I do know that my "time" will be served at some point and our lives will be back together. I do look forward to this day but I know I can't get there from today. I can only get there one day at a time and this will equal a great lifetime.