Closer

Last night as I laid in bed I found it very hard to get to sleep. My "poor" mind was racing a mile a minute. I know there is only so much I can do in my particular situation and as long as I am doing all the right things I do know everything will continue to work out for the best.

However; I wouldn't be completely honest with myself if I didn't acknowledge those times at night when I lay in bed and think of all of the destruction I have caused and how many lives I have "messed up" including my own. I do think about but I know I cannot undue the past I can only work on today some days are more difficult than others and as we get closer and closer to our departure date from Southern California and this house it does get tougher.

No I am not going into a woes is me please feel sorry for me pity party; I am let out my true feelings. Thank God I found a Program that has not only arrested my compulsive gambling addiction but has taught me how to deal with all of the consequences I have brought on myself and my family. With the Gamblers Anonymous Program there is no way I would be sitting here writing this blog let alone experience the things I have experienced in the last 16 months.

My world was in tatters and now I am slowly picking up those pieces and inching forward with my new life. Yes, it has happened a bit drastically for me but that was the only way I was going to learn. Had I not learned the way I did I was never going to learn how to deal with my compulsive gambling addiction.

I have come to terms with my addiction and I will always be a compulsive gambler but now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. This is a significant difference for the previous times I stopped gambling. In those two previous times I said to myself I am not going to gamble and that worked for a number of years but I found myself in worse trouble when I went back without thinking.

Now, even though I still have levels of angst which is certainly driven by guilt I do know I am finally on the right road to recovery. It has taken a long time to get here but I know my life will continue to get better and better as long as I stay on this road. If I fall off this road my life will surely go to Hell which is why I try and practice to the best of my ability the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program each and everyday.

Tomorrow our house will be without any furniture and all of this furniture will be in a storage facility nearby. I know tomorrow night will be a very strange evening sitting in a house without any furniture but I do know my most important "possessions" (if you will); my wife, daughter and son will be my side and no matter how much guilt I feel about losing my career, home, car, money I do know I have all that any person could ever ask for; a wonderful family.