Fourteen Years

Today is one of those very memorable days that I would give just about anything to NOT be in here. On this date my wife and I were married 14 years ago in a Catholic Church located in New Jersey. Now here I sit 3000 miles away and I cannot even talk with her on the telephone. This is the first time in 14 years that I have not been with my wife, let alone talk to her, on our anniversary.

I mentioned to one of my bunk neighbors today that it was my anniversary. He wished both my wife and myself a “Happy Anniversary”. He also said it was one of those “bittersweet” days. How true this is. It is “bittersweet” because I will not be with my wife nor will I be able to talk to her. It is “sweet” because it is our anniversary and I am married to a wonderful and magnificent person. I am beyond happy that my wife is still in my life after all the crap I put her through and continue to put her through. She is a special woman because of her incredible love and support. One of the last things she said to me on my sentencing day almost three months ago was, “Don’t worry about anything, I will wait for you.” I can still see her face as the bailiff led me out of the courtroom on that very awful day after the judge rendered his four year sentence. I looked back at her and I saw tears in her eyes while leaning on her friend’s shoulder. I wanted to reach out and hug her and tell he everything is going to be alright, but I couldn’t because I was in handcuffs. So I mouthed to her, “I love you,” and gave her a quick wink.

That day, three months ago, marked the end to a new beginning as long as I stay in recovery. As I continue to recover, my wife and I will have many more anniversaries to share with one another in person. Today, presumably marks one of the two anniversaries we will be apart. Hopefully, by my next anniversary, I will have access to a telephone and who knows maybe I will be in a place where my wife can visit. But, today is one of those very difficult days to be in a place like this – it is much more difficult than my birthday. Not being around for that wasn’t that hard, but our anniversary makes it more difficult because my wife is sitting in NJ, thankfully surrounded by our children and her mother but not me. Also, I sit here in a very bad place trying to make the best of it, but all day the only thing I could think of is my dear wife. I was thinking about what it was like to hear her voice. Incidentally, it has been exactly two months since I have heard her beautiful voice. It has been almost three months since I have seen her beautiful face. I don’t know when the next time I will see my wife nor do I know when I will speak with her. Hopefully, I will be able to give her a telephone call soon, but who knows. I do know that I love her so much and even though we are so far apart, our love continues to grow each and everyday.

It is amazing how vividly I can remember that Saturday we were married. It was a beautiful October afternoon with the sun shining brightly. I can remember as if it were yesterday when my wife and I were dancing to “Peace Easy Feeling” alone on the dance floor. This was the happiest day of my life. In fact, I was so happy that some people came up to me and asked if I was on something because I had a smile from ear to ear all night long. The reception went by so fast and we needed to make it last longer so we had the band play an extra 30 minutes. Everything about our wedding day was glorious from the beauty of my wife to all the fun we had at the reception.

I am fairly certain neither one of us would have imagined some 14 years later, we would be separated on our anniversary day especially with me sitting in prison. Unfortunately, this is our reality because of the terrible things I did to propel my gambling addiction. Thankfully, as long as I stay in recovery, this horrible episode will not be repeated. There is no second chance I would receive from my wife if I were to slip once again. My slip would be a hard lonely road and I don’t even want to think about this but I have to in order to stay in recovery. Every action I make has a consequence. In the past, these actions were negative – now I try my best to make these actions positive. These actions lead to positive results. I look forward to these each day because it is a wonderful way to live.

One interesting fact about our anniversary is that it marks the first time since our one-year anniversary that only one of us is in NJ on this day. We were married there and celebrated out first one in NJ, but two thru eight were celebrated in Las Vegas, and nine thru thirteen were celebrated in Southern California. It appears years 14 and 15 will be celebrated apart. However, I do know that wherever we may celebrate after my release date, it does not matter as long as we’re together.

Last year we celebrated our anniversary by going to the GA Conference in San Diego. We had a great time and went out to a very nice dinner. We were surrounded by wonderful people. In some ways, last year’s anniversary seems like a very long time ago and our wedding day seems more recent. I wonder why this is? Events longer than a year ago seem more vivid. Maybe there is something in the yearly process of my memory. Also, I have spoken to many inmates who have told me the first year of any sentence is the toughest but after the first year it starts going faster. I do know a great deal has happened in this past year and some of it has been really bad such as my sentence. On the other hand, many wonderful things have happened and will continue to happen because of my recovery and the incredible love my wife has bestowed on me.

To say I owe my wife is a severe understatement but I also owe it to myself to continue my recovery no matter what surrounds me. This recovery has given me a new life and I cannot wait to share it once again with my wife. There will be tough times and difficulties but I must continue to go forward in a positive manner and these tough times will not be so tough. My wife and I have gone through some very rough times especially right now with us being separated and isolated. The isolation is the hardest part. I miss hearing what is going on with the children and I miss hearing their voices. This isolation is making us stronger and no matter what lies ahead we can conquer anything together as long as I remain honest in my recovery.

My wife has taken it upon herself to enroll in a 12 step support program. She has been involved for over a year and a half. She started this in California and the last report I received, she has even gone to meetings in NJ. Life is not easy for her and I am fairly certain, it is not the life she has imagined. However, she has been with me every step of the way which is truly magnificent. She is an exceptional wife and wonderful mother. I knew fourteen years ago that I made the right decision which is why I was so happy on this day, and also even in a place like this I am still happy when I think about my wife. I made a wonderful choice and I look forward to many more anniversaries shared with my wife.

What would a blog entry be without mentioning the kitchen? I will make it quick. There are some inmates that no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to “Live and let live” especially when they make life difficult. They make life difficult because they steal food. This morning one of these inmates took one of the special trays for the diabetic inmates and yes, I did see it happen. Usually we have more than enough trays leftover; however, we just started the breakfast service. Two minutes after he took the tray and hid it, the kitchen supervisor asked me where all the diabetic (also called dialysis) trays were. As soon as he said this, I went over to where it was hidden and pulled it out. I gave it to the kitchen supervisor who seemed to know it wasn’t me who hid the tray without me saying anything. The kitchen supervisor thanked me and put it back in the hot box. After the breakfast service was over the kitchen supervisor gave me the leftover tray. I appreciated this because I could actually eat everything: mini-pancakes, applesauce, and potatoes – I gave the sausage away. I did confront the inmate who hid the tray after I gave it to the supervisor. I wasn’t mean but I was firm and he understood where I was coming from. In fact, all of the other inmates who were of the same race as the one I had an encounter with, backed me up and said he was out of line. Maybe I should have turned the other cheek, but I just couldn’t- maybe if it were someone else, I would have turned away. I guess I am getting more selective in my bravado and it did feel good to have the support of others which is especially good in a place like this.