Poor Inmate

This morning’s kitchen duty was very uneventful. I was ultra cautious about how I spoke with everyone. I didn’t get annoyed or aggravated at anything or anyone. I was pleasant (at least this was my opinion) to anyone I came in contact with. The people who normally come over to me – when I mix the hot cereal – came over again. Today I was very mindful and didn’t make one silent sigh. I spoke with them –which by the way is very hard – because the kitchen is a very noisy place and the acoustics are horrible. In fact, most places here have awful acoustics and I find myself straining to hear everyone, just as everyone seems to be straining to hear me. However, as the other inmates spoke, I had a genuine smile on my face and even though I had no idea what they were saying, I laughed when they did and said, “Oh really” many times.

The person I offended with my “excuse me” yesterday worked in the kitchen this morning. I found myself in his path and instead of saying, “excuse me,” I said, “Get out of my way!” No, not really, that was joke. I did find myself in his path and I stopped and asked him if I can take the pots out of his hands and bring them to the dishwasher. I think I shocked him because of his slight hesitation, but after this he said, “Sure and thank you.” I took the pots from his hands and said, “You’re welcome.” Then I turned and took them to the dishwasher. Who knows if this slight kind gesture will help, but hopefully it won’t hurt. I learned a long time ago that kindness does matter and even in a place like this, the more I am sincere about my kindness, the better it is.

As an aside, I have noticed that many – but not all – inmates have very poor manners. This may not come as a surprise to anyone, but it is interesting when witnessing it. So many times – actually, it is all the time - “please” and “thank you”, is a rarity to receive this back. When someone comes over and is looking for something, whether it is food or some type of clothing – the statement or question hardly ever starts with “excuse me” or “pardon me” or “do you mind”. It starts with, “got any…?” or “I need…”. Also, on those occasions, when I do give someone something, there is seldom a “thank you”. I guess politeness is part upbringing and also environment. Maybe this is why there is a workbook module in the “Bridging book” on manners.

My manners are second nature and I don’t have to think twice about saying, “please, thank you, or excuse me.” Yet, there is an entire chapter in the Bridging Book about how to be polite and why it is good to be polite. Manners should be a part of the civilized world and in order to be civil, one should be polite. It all goes back to what I was taught by my parents and what my wife and I teach our children – to treat people the way you want to be treated. I don’t like rudeness; I like when people are polite. Unfortunately, many others in here don’t share these ideals. The sad part is many just don’t know how to be polite because no one has been polite to them. It truly is a vicious circle – they have been treated badly – and instinctively, they treat others the same way.

To totally change the subject ~ there is a very strong rumor that Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger declared a “state of emergency” in the prison system yesterday. What this means for me, I have no idea! Whether this is true or not, I have no idea! It is a distraction because I have one inmate who has a similar type of crime to mine and he keeps telling me we will both be released early. At first when I was speaking to him, my interest was very high. However, as I listened to him speak, I believe what he was saying amounts to wishful thinking. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about getting out of here.

I am not going to beat myself up for my incredibly selfish, idiotic actions. I have learned to put these in the proper perspective and move forward. I cannot forget these terrible actions and truth be told, everyday I wake up and go to sleep in a place like this, it is next to impossible to forget my actions. What I can’t do is dwell on them and I must let them go. I need to grow and be a better and more positive person. When I dwell in the past, I stop recovering and start blaming. There is no one to blame but myself, but I need to stop beating myself up. It will do no good. It truly is a simple equation – I messed up very badly and I have found a program which ensures that if I follow this I won’t mess up ever again. I practice the program each and everyday of my life. GA continues to save my life!

Last evening, I was saying good-bye to an inmate who was being transferred today. I have written about this inmate earlier as the “poor inmate”. As I was saying good-bye, he told me he felt sorry for me because I certainly don’t belong here as well. I am not sure if this is the correct word, but I will try it. I think this was a serendipitous moment. He felt sorry for me and when I first saw him, I instantly empathized with what he was feeling. This poor inmate has two young sons and he misses them so very much. It goes without saying I too miss my children as well. As we talked last night about our children, I could see his eyes well up. It truly was heart breaking to watch the emotions that were going through him. He sincerely does not belong here (yeah, yeah I know there are two sides to every story and I am only hearing one) but some judge and DA thought he does need to be here. The saying of “Justice is Blind” comes to mind because it truly is b l i n d.

As we finished our conversation, he gave me an impromptu hug and I did my best to assure him everything will work out and each day that goes by means he is truly closer to seeing his family. It is really amazing the people I have encountered on this journey. Could it be complete randomness or coincidence? I don’t believe it is either. There is something out there that is much greater than me and there is a plan which I am living. Everything does happen for a reason and sometimes it is very difficult to find the reason especially in this “poor inmate’s situation” but having faith is a very powerful tool. I did my best to instill some of the faith in him as we said our good-byes. I have no idea if it helped him, but I do know this conversation and the hug helped me tremendously.

As it turned out, our good-byes were a bit premature. His transfer had been delayed to a later date which has not been announced as of yet. Sometimes inmates are “scratched” from their transfer for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, the “poor inmate” was not given a specific reason as to his “scratch” but from the sound of it, his departure seemed to be an administrative error. When I saw him this morning, I asked what had happened. After he explained, I did remind him that everything does happen for a reason and even though he did not understand right now, he will. No matter where he is, another day has come and gone which means he is one day closer to his family. He did seem to take the “scratch” well, but I could imagine that it is one of the long list of things which adds to the stress level in a place like this.

This episode showed me that everything here is certainly out of my control and I must accept this. Even though I maybe on the “Trans-pack” list tomorrow or Saturday, I still may not be transferred (ugh!) on whatever day I am supposed to depart. Now instead of seeing or hearing my name on the “Trans-pack” list I can only believe it when I get to wherever I “get to”. Oh, that Serenity Prayer comes in handy! All of this is completely out of my control and I accept it, but I do hope that I am on the next list because I so want to move on.