I'm Ready

Yet another one of the countless hump days as I go forward on my journey (I prefer not to count the days right now for fear of depression, knowing the number is relatively high). Shave days are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when the CO’s pass out razors. This means the next shave day will be Friday and the week will be over (YAY!). Also, Friday or at least Saturday morning the Trans-Pack List comes out and for the first time I am looking forward to optimistically being on it.

I’m ready to move on to the next destination. Next week the day between my 14th anniversary and my mother’s birthday will mark two months here at the reception center. Actually, I am more than ready to move on because as I reported yesterday, my work in the kitchen is losing its luster and I am taking it way too seriously. I guess it is in my nature to take any job seriously, but the correct position is something to pass the time quicker. Yet, now I am getting annoyed (internally) when other inmates just stand around and watch me work.

Every morning it has been the same for the past week. When I take the hot cereal out of the ovens, bring it over to the prep area and start mixing, sometimes 2 or 3 inmates come over to talk. They also take it upon themselves to take the lid off the hot cereal in order to see what it looks like. This is starting to annoy me and it shouldn’t. I do talk with them, but I am afraid my internal emotions may surface through the conversation. I focus on smiling and being positive; however, everyone’s perception is different.

Another example of perception happened this morning in the kitchen and I had no idea what I had done until it was brought to my attention this afternoon. I was working the ovens as usual and lately I need to check them more than I have in the past. As I was doing this, there was a group of inmates standing near the ovens talking and doing nothing and I needed to get by. As I approached them, I pleasantly said (at least I thought I was pleasant) “excuse me” and they moved aside so I could get by. I thought nothing of this, in fact when it was brought to my attention later; I had a hard time remembering. However, as it turned out my “excuse me” was not polite enough for one of the inmates who took offense to this. In retrospect, I probably was a little gruff because my annoyance level has been raised and even though I try to smile and be polite, my true emotions come out.

Luckily, I made the right friends and this little episode was brought up to one of these people who helped me out tremendously. This friend, who is a bunk neighbor of mine, explained to the inmate – who was offended - and all was forgiven. I must be careful and not let my emotions get the best of me or I will continue to offend others. I was very happy this was brought to my attention because from now on, I will not get annoyed, no matter the circumstance. This is only a temporary position and hopefully as early as next week, I will be on a bus headed to one of the Fire Camp Training Facilities and this stop here will be a distant memory.

Who knew an “excuse me” could get me into trouble, but it did. These are the little things I was not prepared for and each day is an education. Hopefully, there won’t be any lumps with the learning process and I will learn from these mistakes. Fortunately, or unfortunately, there will most likely be more of these learning experiences as I make my way through the system. I originally wanted to fly under the radar, but somehow the circumstances have made me more visible then I would have liked. My main concern is returning to my family in one piece as soon as I am allowed to. My days are numbered (in the figurative sense) at the reception center and the sooner I move on the better. However, if I am still here after next week, then so be it. I do know as each day passes, I am one step closer to being with my family once again.

I have received 25 pieces of mail from my mother since I have been here. This amounts to at least one piece every other day. Some of these contain letters and emails. Other contain articles about compulsive gambling and lately she has sent me articles regarding the prison system in California. There appears to be much discussion regarding the plight of this prison system. Who knows, if this discussion will lead to some type of reform? Also, if there is reform, will it affect me? It is great to read these articles because it is apparent the system is broken when most inmates come back at least three or more times. I had a conversation at dinner with a fellow inmate who said the next crime he commits will be a federal one because he is tired of the California state system. That seemed to be an interesting thought process and not one I could relate to. I love my freedom and I cherish everything outside these fences. There is too much in my life that is wonderful to spoil it with bad behavior and negative thoughts. Again, it all goes back to perception and mine is vastly different from most inmates.

Speaking of bad behavior~ I was just offered to make a wager on the Mets/Dodgers playoff series. One inmate (who by the way would make a great character in any drug related movie) offered to take the Dodgers over the Mets and the loser would do one push-up. This sounds harmless, doesn’t it? One pushup? How long does one take to perform – maybe three seconds? This would have been the longest three seconds of my life because it would be the start of something bad. Sure, I could have taken the wager and who would know? I wouldn’t have written about it and no one would have been the wiser. I would have known and that’s what matters most. The GA Program is based on honesty and if I can’t be honest with myself (which was the case 19 months ago) who can I be honest with? The answer is no one. The lies, deceit, and double-dealing would all come back if I were not honest with myself. I take my recovery very seriously and a stupid wager of one push-up is not going to ruin my life because I won’t do it. After hearing this offer, I was very polite and respectively said, “No, thank you.” That was it. I didn’t go into a dissertation of how I am a recovering compulsive gambler and I can’t make the wager. I believe “simple” was better and I don’t believe I offended this inmate (but God only knows if I did) and I feel very good as to how I handled this situation. There will be plenty of tests in and out of this place, but the stakes are much higher than one push-up or one soup; it truly is a life or death situation. I stay in recovery and I live. I drop out of recovery and I die. Simple decision for a simple question. Yes, I have been brought to my knees because of my addiction, but slowly and surely, I am regaining my footing because I have a great foundation to build upon.
This foundation has been started by the GA program some 19 months ago and continues no matter where I am. I receive so much love and support from my fellow members that I never lose focus of how great a program it really is. My wonderful sponsor writes me weekly and sometimes twice a week. In these letters are the steps and my favorite “A Day at a Time” reflections. This is a cornerstone of my recovery and knowing my sponsor faced a very similar experience 16 years ago. He showed me there is another side to this journey and the only way to get to the positive side is to stay in recovery. Also, I must work the program each and everyday. The program is alive and well in a place where there are no meetings because of the foundation I have built.

I touched on this in a different posting, but I want to reiterate the purpose of this blog which is for me to remain accountable for my actions. My life has turned into an open book and this is incredibly helpful for my recovery. In my two previous failed attempts to conquer my compulsive gambling addiction, I was never accountable for my actions. I covered up my addiction and never truly surrendered to it. Because of this inability, I ended up in a California State Prison for the next two years. Now I want to broadcast to the whole world that I am a compulsive gambler and my life became unmanageable. Now that I am in recovery, it is wonderful and even though I am in a terrible place, I know I am headed in the proper direction. This blog helps me stay there by being honest and letting everyone know my recovery is the most important aspect of my life because it has given me my life back and it truly is a great life!