Christmas Is Over!

“Expect the unexpected”, “Hope for the best but expect the worse,” “What could go wrong will,” “Even the best laid plans go astray.” All of these phrases were appropriate for what happened yesterday afternoon. I was doing well having made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with only minor sadness. I finished “Mary, Mary” by James Paterson late yesterday morning prior to the afternoon yard opening. Everything was looking good then about 5 minutes before my dorm door was unlocked by the C/O it happened. One of my dorm mates had asked me if I was making a telephone call and of course I answered “yes”. He then said, “Did you hear the office responsible for the phone sign-up list had lost the list and now it was first come first serve to use the telephone.” At first I thought he was joking but as he repeated what he sad he referred me to another of my dorm mates who works in that particular office to corroborate what he was saying. I went over to this other dorm mate’s bunk where he was sitting and asked if this information was correct. He did confirm this very unfortunate information. My best laid plans of having two scheduled telephone calls fell completely apart. This meant when my dorm door was unlocked I had to sprint the 250 yards over to where the line for the telephone was forming. My dorm is exactly in the middle of the yard and we are always in the middle of all the dorms when the door is unlocked. We are not first but at least we are not last. I did have some chance of securing a telephone call spot. However; as I waited for the unlock I watched many of my fellow inmates who had already been let out of their dorms running for this line. As I watched this I became very frustrated. I thought it was rather peculiar (to say the least) that the telephone sign-up list was conveniently lost on Christmas Day. This has never happened in my two months here but it does fall into the category of "expect the unexpected. The unlock for the dorm finally came and 5 of us from my dorm sprinted across the yard toward the line for the telephone calls. I have not moved this fast in along time and when I got in line I have not heard that many inmates breathe so heavily (from the sprinting) ever. I waited somewhat impatiently in this line as many of the previous time slots were filling up fast. I kept saying to myself “don’t get upset because this situation is completely out of your control” but I did feel extremely frustrated. As I continued to wait in line I was certainly “hoping for the best but at the same time expecting the worse.” I finally reached the front of the line and was given a 3:00 pm sign-up time. I thought this was a horrible time because I thought the yard would close at 3:00 pm and I wouldn’t even have an opportunity to make the telephone call. I was very disappointed to obtain this time but it was the earliest time available again there was nothing I could do about it.

I had 2 hours before my potential telephone call and now I knew I could have a good workout as I waited to make the telephone call. I did have a very good workout because I had a great deal of aggression to get out of my system. I wanted to have a workout which was designed to get out this aggression. Normally, my first option would have been to lift weights, however; weights are not available in a place like this. My second option was to run very fast for a moderate amount of time followed by a very hard calisthenics workout session. I did this workout as I ran four miles in 28 minutes followed by a Super PFT Plus workout which I completed in a very fast 29 minutes. I had an excellent sweat going during the run and it carried over into the calisthenics workout session. I could have run longer but I was afraid I might injure myself going at this pace so I cut it short at 4 miles. If I ever needed to workout like this it was on a day like this surrounded by frustration. I ended my workout with a one minute hang on the high bar and much to my surprise I was able to hang more than one minute in spite of all my heavy exercise. I did get out most of my frustration as I headed toward to telephones.

I checked in as is required for my telephone call at 3:00 pm. I was on phone number 7. I got on the telephone and decided to call my mother’s house because I thought my wife and children would be there by then. It took me three tries to get through to my mom but on the third try I heard my mom’s voice. My 15 minute limit was quickly dwindling so I didn’t waste anytime and asked my mom if my wife was there yet. Unfortunately, my wife was delayed in getting there so my mom called her first on my wife’s cell phone. There was no answer on the cell phone so my mom called my wife at her brother’s house. My wife was still there and now the 15 minute limit was rapidly diminishing. My mom tried to put her cell phone up to the regular telephone so I could speak with my wife but I couldn’t hear anything. I was thinking about hanging up and calling my wife directly but there was only a few minutes remaining. I told my mom to tell my wife that I love her and to wish her a Merry Christmas. I also told her to tell my wife I would call her tomorrow because I had a telephone call scheduled at 1:45 pm her time. As my mom was telling my wife all of this I heard my mom say, “don’t cry” and then my mom started to cry. When I heard all of this I knew I had to call my wife directly. I told my mom I was hanging up and calling my wife right then. I did indeed hang up and the next five minutes were excruciatingly painful. I could not get through to my wife at her brother’s house. I tried at least 20 times but could not connect. As I saw my telephone time dwindle down to 1 minute remaining I abandoned calling my wife to call my mom to tell her to tell my wife I tried to call her but could not connect. At this point I could not reconnect with my mom and my telephone time had expired.

Amazingly at this point, I was not angry or mad but I certainly was frustrated. I had to think of an option and think very quickly because the yard was closing in 45 minutes. The inmate “friend” of mine had a 3:45 pm telephone call scheduled and I saw him as I got off the telephone. I explained my situation to him and asked if I could have his telephone time. He did not hesitate and said “of course”. He really is a good guy and he made me very happy when he said this. Now I was on phone number 8 at 3:45 pm. I did not move from the telephone bank and at 3:30 pm an inmate who I know very well got on telephone 8. I did motion to him if he was unable to connect that I would like to use this time as well. He did say “no problem” and I watched him try to connect for 7 minutes. He finally gave up and I move to the telephone. This meant I had 20 plus minutes to get through to my wife. Again I tried to connect with my wife at her brother’s house but could not. After the 5th try I gave up and called my mom in hopes of maybe my wife made it there. Four times I tried my mom’s house and I could not get through. Finally on the 5th time I did get through to my mom but my wife was still not there. My wife was still at her brother’s house. The same scenario which happened earlier happened once again. My mom called my wife and it became very apparent my wife wanted to speak with me. Again I hung up and called my wife at her brother’s house. Once again I could not get through so I called my mom back. It took me another 3 times to re-connect with my mom but I finally did.

At this final re-connection with my mom the 20 minutes had disappeared to a precious few minutes remaining. I needed to tell my mom I tried to call my wife but it just wasn’t going to happen, for whatever reason my call would no go through. I did tell my mom to make sure my wife knows I will be calling at 1:45 pm her time the very next day (gee I wonder what is going to happen then??) I spoke with my mom for a very few minutes and then our call was cut-off as the yard closed. I was able to ascertain from my mother that if my wife left her brother’s house after my first telephone call she would have been at my mom’s house for my second telephone call. However, my wife did wait (per the suggestion of my mom) for me to cal her back so she did not leave her brothers house. Also, based on comments from many of my fellow inmates they too were having major difficulties connecting their telephone calls. It was an exceedingly frustrating afternoon on the telephone calls and I may have been better off not having a telephone call. However; I was able to speak with at least one member of my family (my mom) on Christmas Day which does beat speaking with no one.

I was so sorry to hear my wife crying and even though I could not hear what she was saying I could certainly empathize with her frustration. The moment I heard my mother say “don’t cry” to my wife my day had changed. My life is not my own in a place like this which is also part of my punishment. My situation not only affects me but many others as well as most importantly includes my dear wife. Now I have added more sadness to her life by not being able to speak with her on Christmas Day. Not only was I not with her but we did not hear each others voices on this day. In a word my situation “sucks”! I hate what I have done to my family especially my wife. I don’t want to cause her any pain anymore which is why I will stay in recovery each and every day. Everything which happened today was a direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction and I regret each moment. Unfortunately there is not one thing I can do which would have changed the events of today. I am extremely sorry for not only today but the entire situation. I cannot beat myself up for what happened today and I won’t. The consequences of my horrible actions will continue to rear their ugly head for a long time to come. It is how I deal with these consequences which will define me as a person. I must take responsibility for my actions and I do. I screwed up big time and I apologize. I will be apologizing ad infinitum; however, these are only words and my actions should speak for themselves. My recovery continues to propel me in the right direction and had taught me positive actions which I carry with me everyday.

As the yard was closed and telephone call was cut off I could not help but to shrug my shoulders and say “oh well”. I guess could be mad, angry, frustrated, and depressed but what good would any of this do? It would do no good and stop my recovery process. I won’t lie and say I am happy because that is the farthest thing from the truth. I do have feelings but I am trying to find the positive in all of this. From the moment I heard about the last telephone sign-up list to the frustration of not connecting with my wife I thought it was another test. The test was how do I deal with adversity. I think I did fairly well this afternoon because I did not break anything or throw anything. My favorite phrase sums up the events of the afternoon. “It is what it is.” Also my life is not my own and if I don’t learn from this entire experience I will never learn which is why I embrace my recovery each and everyday.