Merry Christmas 2006

Yesterday afternoon as I arrived back into the dorm from the morning yard session and having run 10 miles I needed to start my daily hygiene ritual all over again. It was nice on Saturday where I didn’t have to wash my workout clothes because I didn’t workout but yesterday I had no choice because the clothes were sweaty. When I went to the “store” I purchased a box of laundry detergent so I could “really” wash my clothes in the sink properly. The laundry detergent wasn’t Tide or All it as a brand called X-tra maybe this is why it was only $2.00 for a 32 ounce box. It is a powdered detergent not a liquid. This would make the first time I have washed my clothes with something other than a bar of soap, shampoo or the disinfectant spray. Well the laundry soap didn’t appear to work very well because there weren’t any suds. The clothes smelled clean but I am not sure how clean they actually got. As I washing the clothes one of my dorm mates told me in order to properly use the laundry soap I should wash my clothes in the mop bucket. He then went on to give me the full instruction of how to wash using the mop bucket. I need to get a plastic garbage bag (there are so many uses for this item) put it inside the mop bucket, fill the garbage bag up with water, place the laundry soap into the water, then place my clothes in e bucket and wash. After hearing his description I continued to wash the clothes in the sink. Another one of my character defects which I need to work on is being lazy and I thought there was way too much work involved with washing my clothes in the mop bucket. I may try this method someday when I feel my clothes are not getting properly cleaned but for now I am content with the sudless laundry detergent in the sink. Thankfully, yesterday I only wore shorts as I ran so I didn’t need to wash my sweatpants which saved me considerable time. I did add to the blisters on my thumbs as I wrung out my sweatshirt because it did not drip at all when I hung it up to dry.

When my daily hygiene ritual was complete I had all afternoon to do what I wanted. Also, I could eat lunch at a reasonable time. The odd thing was I wasn’t very hungry which figures because I now have food. I did force myself to eat a soup and now I have 90 more to go! I made the soup using my Cajun seasoning, fresh smashed up carrots and hot chili sauce which I bought from the store. I am not sure if I like the taste of the hot chili sauce because it has an odd odor. The hot chili sauce is a very big favorite with my fellow inmates and some of them eat so much of it I can smell it on them even when they are not eating it. It comes through their pores much like garlic does with me. (Ah, garlic – up until 5 ½ months ago I took a garlic supplement once a day for over 15 years and my wife would always tell me that I stink. Now I know exactly what she is talking about when I smell the hot chili sauce emanating from my fellow dorm mates. My wife had every right to complain because the chili sauce has a very distinct odor to it as did my garlic smell.) As I was eating the soup the smell of the chili sauce was overpowering all the other smells and I couldn’t help but to think about the smells coming from my dorm mates. The soup wasn’t exactly appetizing and I suspect I too will start to have this same smell emanating from my pores if I continue to eat the chili sauce. I do have a full bottle of the stuff so I may use it occasionally but certainly not daily as is the case for many of my fellow inmates. I had to get the taste of the chili sauce out of my body so even though I was not hungry I made my daily peanut butter and jam sandwich. (I think I have become addicted to PB&J sandwiches or at the very least peanut butter because I can’t remember a day which has gone by that I have not eaten peanut butter. Oh my!) I was temporarily successful in getting the taste of the chili sauce out of my body but 30 minutes after eating the PB&J sandwich the funky chili sauce returned. I did make a glass of sugar-free lemonade which I also purchased at the store on Saturday. This helped stymie the chili sauce taste and was a welcome relief to the strict water regime I have been on for some time. In my lunch bag I do receive the sugar-free Kool-Aid packet which I have tried over the course of the past 5 months. I have stopped using this altogether when I saw my fellow inmates using it just like one would use cement. Yes, with a smidge of water added to this Kool-Aid packet it turned into cement. There are so many unnatural chemicals in this drink mix the prison official would have been better served passing out cans of Coca-Cola soda! Seriously those drink mixes maybe sugar-free but the list of chemicals are frightening. Now when I receive my daily packet of Kool-Aid I can’t give it away fast enough. At least with the lemonade packets I purchase from the store I know they come from Wylers and are sweetened with Splenda, as opposed to the no-name Kool-Aid packets which contain Maltodextrin and Aspartame along with many other multi-syllabic chemicals. Te concept of giving inmates sugar-free drinks is a good one; however, in practice it falls far short of the goal and crosses into weird science.

My lunch was finished and instead of entering the television area to watch the football game with many of my dorm mates I remained on my bunk to write. The football game once again included the San Diego Chargers and as I have mentioned on the past there are many Charger fans among my dorm mates. Watching the games were okay in the earlier part of the season but now as the football season winds down I could do without all the melodramatic rooting. There is one dorm mate who whistles so loudly when the Chargers make a good play I have to cover my ears while I am sitting on my bunk 12 feet away from the television area. It is strange how my dorm mate’s fantatism towards the Chargers has actually turned me against them. I did notice yesterday the television area was eerily quiet during most of the game as the Charges were losing. The Chargers did pull the game out and all hell broke loose but most of the game was peaceful. It appears it is going to be a long playoff season as the Chargers appear to be the best team and should win the Super Bowl. Now I find myself rooting against the Chargers because of my dorm mates over the top behavior.

Watching the football game would have been a nice diversion but my writing during yesterday proved this and more. Christmas Eve was fast approaching which is my favorite part of Christmas, of course this year would be different than any of the other 41 Christmas Eve’s which have come before. It was very different because I am separated from my family for the first time ever on this holiday. My writing helps me get through these very difficult days. It keeps me focused on the here and now. It also keeps my mind from beating myself up over and over again. Simply put I did something very wrong and I am being punished. There are many levels of my punishment but the only one that matters to me is being separated from my wife and children. There is NOTHING I can do to change this situation so I must stay positive in my recovery. This is not to say I cannot be sad because I am certainly sad not being with my family on Christmas this year or for that matter not seeing them in over 5 months. I will do my best to keep this sadness from taking over my positive attitude. However, I will not lie or be a fake because it does hurt sitting 3,000 miles away from my family. My children are growing up at a rapid pace and I will miss two years of their lives because of the things I have done. Whether my sentence of 2 years (actually 4 years serving 2 years) was just or not is NOT the point. I have 2 years to continue what I was doing prior to serving my sentence which is to work my recovery the best way I can.

This brings me to a quote from my former boss which appeared in my Probation Report, he mentioned something to the effect of having me “stew” in prison and think about what I have done. If I followed this advice I would be no better than I was over 2 years ago when I was gambling, stealing, lying, and totally out of control. I cannot sit here and “stew” about the things I have done because it would serve no purpose. It would also not allow me to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction. I need to “learn” and “grow” into a positive person with positive attitude and beliefs. I cannot get mad at anyone including myself. The only person I should be angry with is me because it was me who did all of this which has caused me to be separated from my family for the next year and a half. However; if I am angry at myself I cannot recover. I have come to terms with what I have done and my situation. This way I can recover and be a better person as each day passes. This is not to say I am exactly happy with my current situation but I am happy with myself. I do know as I continue to recover my life gets better and I will be back with my family soon enough and there will be many more Christmas’ to truly enjoy. The key to my survival not only in a place like this but even when I get back into the outside world is my recovery. It is very simple I recover and return to a great life.

All yesterday I did write and I was able to catch the “big play” in the San Diego Chargers/Seattle Seahawks game which made my dorm mates go crazy. After writing I returned to my bunk to listen to some music on the radio. As I listened to the music I looked at the pictures of my family. A tear came to my eye as I looked at the Halloween pictures I have of my wife and children sitting in a pumpkin patch. At the same time this tear formed in my eye a smile came across my face. I am a blessed person to have these three magnificent people in my life. In spite of what I have done to them they are there for me. I love and miss them so much. These are the times where I just want to reach out and give all three of them a big hug and a kiss. I cannot do this for obvious reasons but the time will come soon enough and Christmas will certainly have a new meaning for me. In spite of all of the material possessions I have lost I have everything I could ever want in those three extraordinary people who are celebrating this Christmas in New Jersey. I love you!!

The time had passed and now it was time fore Christmas Eve dinner in the dining hall. The dinner consisted of barbecue chicken, blacked-eyed peas, rice, salad and Jell-O. Of course my tray had everything except the chicken and apparently the black-eyed peas are back to being prepared without meat. I did receive rather generous portions of the black-eyed peas and rice. I ate most of what was on my tray but I did give away the Jell-O. It is interesting when I give away food most of my dorm mates automatically assure that the particular food contains meat. One of my dorm mates asked me as I was giving away the Jell-O, “What is it made with, meat by-products?” My response was, “I don’t know I just don’t like it.” My dorm mates thank I am an anti-meat person and don’t realize I am just an EXTREMELY picky eater. I try to explain myself but most times it falls on deaf ears. They can think whatever they want, this is fine by me. My picky eating has lasted 41 years and God willing it will continue to last this long and more.

Christmas Eve had officially begun as I arrived back to the dorm after dinner. Last night was also an evening yard time. I did not have a telephone call scheduled nor did I have to sign-up for a telephone call so I decided to stay inside the dormitory. I did somewhat “torture” myself by listening to continuous Christmas music on the radio. This lased for about an hour. Normally I love Christmas Eve because of all the peace and serenity which surrounds the evening. In my eyes it is truly the calm before the storm because Christmas Day is invariable chaos with the opening of the presents then going to wherever for dinner. Christmas Day is usually a whirlwind of activity where Christmas Eve has a tranquil effect. One of my favorite movies of all time is the 1952 (?) version of Christmas Carol starring Alistair Cooke as Ebenezer Scrooge. This is a black and white version of the Dickens classic. A few years ago I was fortunate to receive a VHS of this movie and always wanted to start a tradition of watching this movie with my family on Christmas Eve. My children now being the ages of 8 and 5 were too young in the past to watch (it does have very scary parts especially to those under the ages of 7) but now my daughter and son are fast approaching the proper age to watch this movie. I do look forward to the Christmas Eve in the not so distant future we can all sit around and enjoy the classic. I know this will happen.

I could stand all I could of the Christmas music and I decided to write a letter to my daughter and son. It was a quick story about one Christmas Eve when I was little and needed to share it with them. I also wanted them to know I missed them and loved them so much. It was only a one page letter but when I finished writing I felt very good.

I was holding on to the one packet of the sugar-free hot chocolate specifically for last night. I needed a little treat for myself and not only made the hot chocolate but also made myself some oatmeal which I had recently purchased from the store. The combination of these two items hit the spot and this may sound disgusting but for the first time in almost 5 ½ months I burped after finishing the oatmeal and hot chocolate (in some countries burping at the end of a meal is a compliment to the chef!) I was truly full and satisfied for the first time in a long time. After brushing my teeth I settled in my bunk and instead of reading I decided to “enjoy” some Christmas music on the radio. I made it to about 10:30 pm when I turned off the radio and went to sleep.

As I woke up this morning at 5:00 am I was happy to have made it through Christmas Eve and today everything will be okay. I did stay in bed for an hour as I thought of my children and wife back in New Jersey most likely opening presents at this time. I was not sad, I was happy because everything is working out for the best. I continue to learn on every step of my journey and do know my current situation has saved me from something far worse. I continue to learn to work my recovery to the best of my ability and know I am headed in the right direction. I did get out of my bunk and get ready for Christmas breakfast of pancakes and oatmeal. This being a Monday meant I could watch the news in the television area. I made my way into this area where I watched the news until it was time to depart for the dining hall. I saw a few of the inmates who I have become very friendly with over these past months and wished them a “Merry Christmas”. Everything was fine at breakfast and I made my way back to the dormitory. Once back at the dorm I decided to read more of Mary, Mary which is flying by. I should finish this book tonight. Of course, I had to write as well which did take up most of the morning. This afternoon I do have two telephone calls scheduled and hopefully will be able to place them.

I would like to take this time to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope this Christmas finds everyone in good health and with family and friends. If you are separated from family and friends for whatever reason, please make the best of it. I do know this has been a Christmas which I will never forget but everything happens for a reason and I am a much better person for this.

May God Bless and Merry Christmas!!