Toy Drive

(Condensed)

After I finished the Harvard Wall I walked over to where the “Good News/ Bad News List” (this is the list that would let me know whether or not I would be able to attend the “store”) and saw my name on the “Good News List”! This also means I will be able to make something other than peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch because now I can purchase tuna fish. I looked at the store list and there really aren’t many items I will be purchasing but I will be able to obtain calories in items such as soups, tuna fish, oatmeal, beans and crackers. These items should last me at least two months. Now the only question mark is when will I actually go to the store? They start with the last two digits in our CDC number. This week they are starting with 01 and my number is 91. Hopefully, I should be able to attend the store on Friday.

At 4:00 pm the mail arrived and I received two pieces from two very good friends. I always look forward to “mail call” because all the letters I receive add a little more to my day. Today was no exception and one of the letters informed me of a “toy drive” which many of my very generous GA friends have taken part in so my family back in New Jersey would have a very Merry Christmas this year. These friends are so dear to me and I am honored with their incredible friendship. When my wife read the e-mail about the toy drive she just lost control of her emotions and cried so hard each time she thought about their kindness. She was so deeply touched by these unbelievable and amazing people! Everyone has been so kind and generous to not only me but my wife and children as well. Their support has been magnificent and having all these great people in my life has been a blessing. I thank each and everyone of them for their friendship and generosity.

Last night was an evening yard with me having a scheduled telephone call. Of course, I was expecting something to happen which would have prevented my phone call. Much to my surprise nothing did happen and I was able to make the call. I called my wife and noticed she didn’t seem like herself because she was so stressed. She has been very busy with the children and their activities which included a Holiday Play. Both my son and daughter were in the play last weekend. Thankfully, my wife recorded it and I will be able to view it at a later point in time. My daughter is very active in the Brownies which also keeps my wife busy. This being the holiday season seems also to add to my wife’s stress level. Finally, throw in the financial difficulties I bestowed on her it is amazing I haven’t sensed this stress before. It was very difficult hearing my wife like this because it was me who caused all this unnecessary grief. She is doing an incredible job given the circumstances and she is truly an amazing woman. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help her while I am here. I am truly powerless because I so want to help her but there is nothing I can do. I must accept the fact there is nothing I can do but I certainly don’t like it at all. I could beat myself up because it was me and only me which created the financial nightmare for my wife. She is digging out of a very large hole and right now I cannot help. I must stay true to my recovery and when I get released I will be able to help her. I must believe that things will get better.

Again the 15 minutes on the telephone passed so quickly and there were so many times I wanted to jump through the phone and hug my wife to tell her everything will be alright in time. My wife is very resourceful and she will be able to find a way to make things work financially. It certainly won’t be an easy year plus while I am serving my time but somehow someway she will make it work. I need to mention that not once in our conservation or for that matter in any of our conversations has my wife complained. She has every right to read me the “Riot Act” each time she speaks with me but she doesn’t. The stress I sensed was in her voice and how she was telling me about certain things. This is a very stressful time normally and my wife is dealing with abnormality while I serve my time. It is only temporary and I know she will make it.

My wife found out about the incredible toy drive by our very generous friends. We spoke about this last night and my wife was very surprised by this incredible generous act of kindness. She told me she was “blown away” when she found out. I too am “blown away” by these wonderful people. The telephone call ended on a very upbeat note and hopefully the next I speak with her will be on her birthday. After the phone call I couldn’t help but to think about what I have done to her and how much stress I have inflicted. I carried these thoughts with me as I tried to fall asleep last night. I had a very difficult time sleeping because my mind was with my wife. I tossed and turned all night long and didn’t get much sleep at all.

Today was a very full day and I used a great deal of energy not only with the walking and running but with trying to encourage the students. I was drained by the time the run was over in the last class. All day the focus was on the students who were taking the test. While 32 out of 100 failed the class, 68 did pass which makes my job very rewarding. I was pleasantly surprised in so many ways today and all of this came from the students. I am very grateful to be a part of this program and know that God’s plan is working great.