Outside World Keeps Going

The Wednesday class for the PFT Plus is designed so the instructors can take a day for a much needed rest. This class doesn’t require instructor participation; however, we still have to call cadences. This class is very different than the other four days which is a non stop cardiovascular training at a very high level for 15 minutes. Personally I would like a longer session because I still like to get warmed up – especially in the colder weather – when we are finished. In fact, in yesterday’s class I barely broke a sweat whereas all of the students and most of the instructors broke a good sweat.

The lead instructor came over to me and said, “I noticed you didn’t seem to sweat enough, are you drinking enough water?” I told him that I drink plenty and it is just the fact that the class is not nearly long enough for me to get a good sweat going. Since I changed the bulk of my exercise to the morning, the afternoon session is easier and I don’t sweat as much. I have also cut down on my running so I don’t stress my hip. After the class was over, it felt good to have participated and I do feel very good when I look around at most of my fellow instructors and know in spite of my older age, I can hold my own.

After class I embarked on my new routine which takes me to the pill call line. Once again I waited 30 minutes and decided to head to the dorm. Unfortunately, I missed the unlock and had to wait another 45 minutes to get back in. I decided to take out my book and read it in the yard since I was done exercising for the day. It was difficult reading the book in the yard because I kept getting interrupted by my fellow inmates. It seemed most of them took it upon themselves to come up to me and ask what I was reading. After several of them asked me about the book, they hung around and started talking to me. I didn’t really mind the attention but by the time the fourth person came I realized reading was pointless. In those 45 minutes before unlock, I read 8 pages and it is a very small paperback. Due to my instructor position I am a very visible face on the yard and I guess I am very approachable. This is very pleasant, but there are times when I just want to be alone and hide which is what I do in my 3 foot square living space in my dorm. It really isn’t too bad and I am very fortunate so far on this journey and I have no right to complain and I won’t.

The afternoon is always the same but goes by very quickly – wash clothes, shave, shower, eat, write my blog, get dressed for dinner, and go to the dining hall. It’s certainly not very exciting but I can rely on this from Monday through Friday while I work. I have to insert a brief story about one of my dorm mates. Every day I write – sometimes longer than other days. This particular dorm mate always stops by on a daily basis by my bunk and tells me to put my pen down. He also always asks me how many pages I have written. He seems to stop by when I am writing the blog so some days I have 28, 30, and 32 pages written. I guess I have handwritten well over 1000 pages by now which has kept me sane. Without it I really may go insane. Many of the inmates have served multiple terms in prison and to them this existence is old-hat and nothing possibly could be worth writing about. This particular inmate has served 7 years and has 2 ½ more years to go so he is a seasoned prison veteran. I am a rookie and everything is new to me. There hasn’t been one day that has gone by in the past 5 ½ months that I couldn’t find anything to write about. I am trying my best to turn this negative situation into a positive experience. I need to live in the here and now but I can never forget what brought me to this awful place which was my gambling addiction. Thankfully, I have discovered recovery in order to live a sane life and never come back here. I got off track a bit (if there is one) is my writing keeps me going and helps me so much everyday. I tried to explain this to my dorm mate and I am not sure if he understood.

After dinner I had a scheduled phone call which I placed to my wife. Our conversation was very pleasant but there was something on her mind. My family, especially my mother has become very protective of me since my incarceration. They try to filter out any potential negative news. My wife received something unexpected in the mail on Tuesday. My mother didn’t want my wife to tell me just yet especially if I spoke with her on Christmas Day. Even though I have been sentenced to spend 2 years there are other ramifications of my felonious behavior. One of these is that I owe the state of California a rather large tax bill due to the fact that this money was not entered on my tax return. On Tuesday, my wife received two large tax bills requesting the total amount immediately. She certainly wasn’t prepared for this and thought it would arrive after my release. The odd part of the bill is the amount is greater than the amount stipulated in my court papers – I guess the interest never stops. It appears my wife has it under control and has contacted a tax attorney through some of our wonderful friends. I have no idea how the disposition of this bill will work out in the end, but I do know the outside world keeps going while I am here. I cannot beat myself up each time my horrible deeds rear their ugly head or I would be a very bruised person. These are the very unfortunate consequences of my actions and I must live for today in order to secure a wonderful tomorrow. By the way, it’s very obvious that when I speak to my wife at night it does have an effect on my sleep patterns. I was very tired last night and fell asleep before 10:00 pm but I woke up wide awake at 2:30 am. I am trying my best but it is very hard knowing my wife is out there dealing with all this crap I left behind.

This morning I saw something very comical as I exited the dining hall. The pill call line is about 50 yards from the dining hall. There are inmates with certain disabilities such as “hearing impaired” and “mobility impaired”. They wear bright yellow vests when they are on the yard and are exempt form getting down on their stomachs when the alarm goes off, instead they can sit upright. One inmate who was wearing a “mobility impaired” bright yellow vest exited the dining hall and noticed the pill line had just started to assemble. He sprinted – yes, sprinted – to the front of the line! I have not seen any inmate on this yard move that fast. I guess he needed his medication really bad! I had to laugh when I saw this. After he received the medication, he “limped” back to his dorm. It looks as though everyone needs an incentive.

When the PFT class was over, I went to the trailer to see my counselor. I asked a few questions regarding fire camp status and the family visit application. Unfortunately, he couldn’t answer all my questions and told me to come back in two weeks. He needed to pull my file even though it was already out somewhere. I found it very peculiar that my file was out and my counselor didn’t know who had it. But, based on subsequent discussions with a few inmates, the files are housed in different areas so I shouldn’t be concerned. It looks like I need to be patient yet again with these administrative matters.