Fabulous People

In this prison life there are no secrets and all of my dorm mates saw I received all of these books. Each one made a comment so I will lend out three of my books. I know I will get them back because I know where they live! Prison life does provide for a great deal of time to read so I should have the books back in no time. There was also a method to my madness in giving the books away. I lent out three, leaving me with the maximum allowable amount of 10 books in my locker. If there is a search I won’t lose any of the books. I do wonder why the limit is only 10 books? Does it really make a difference if an inmate has more than 10 books? Does that pose a threat? Will I ever know the answers to these questions?

It was on to the evening yard where I had another telephone call to make. I was going to call my younger sister last night and thank her for sending me the books. I was also going to wish her and her wonderful family a very Merry Christmas. However, since it was only two days prior to my wife’s birthday and I was afraid I wouldn’t get in touch with her on Monday, I decided to call her. Hopefully, I will have an opportunity to call my younger sister prior to Christmas because I do want to speak with her. My wife wasn’t as stressed as she was the last time I talked with her. They were having a family Christmas party celebrating my wife’s birthday and her brother’s birthday which is a week apart. It seemed that they were having a very nice time. Even though I called close to 11:00 pm, my daughter was still awake. My son fell asleep an hour prior to that. I spoke briefly to my daughter and she asked if I was going to be moved to another place so we could talk longer and she can send me things. She is such an intelligent girl and she doesn’t miss anything. I told her I would be moving to another place and hopefully we can talk longer but she can send me things now and to ask her mom what she can send. I asked her about Christmas and whether Santa was coming. I also asked her if she had been a good girl. Her reply was very interesting, “I don’t know if I have been a good girl.” When I heard this I assured her she has been a GREAT girl. We then said our “I love you” “I miss you” and our “Good-bye”. The time was quickly running out and I said these same things to my wife. I also wished her a Happy Birthday in case I wasn’t able to talk to her on her birthday.

After hanging up I thought more about our conversation. I was wondering if the belief in the Santa Claus window has closed or is there another year left. She didn’t give me any indication that she has stopped believing but there isn’t much time left. My goodness she is growing up so fast. I also gave more thought to her “I don’t know if I’ve been a good girl” comment. My daughter is her own worst critic. She is so hard on herself which has its positives and negatives. The positive side is she is always trying her hardest and the negative is she is always trying her hardest. I just want to hold her and tell her it’s okay to make mistakes and to not be so hard on herself. Soon the time will come when I will be able to do this.

I’m beginning to sense a pattern when it comes to having difficulty sleeping at night. It happens each time I talk with my wife and my children. I can’t turn my mind off when it comes to my family. I try but it’s impossible especially when it’s so fresh in my head. I tossed and turned last night as I thought about my daughter. This journey I am on will end but it can’t end fast enough.

A funny story which happened upon leaving the dining hall after breakfast. I have sat with a dorm mate over the past few days who doesn’t even expect me to give him any of my food. In fact he doesn’t even ask and I trade with other inmates. I guess he does enjoy my company, go figure. This dorm mate took an apple - as I do – out of the dining hall and put it in his sock. As he walked toward the CO who guards the exit and checks everyone for stray fruit, the apple fell out of his sock onto the floor directly in front of the CO! The CO started to laugh and told him to just put it in your hat so no other CO sees you. It was good to see he recognized the fact that this particular inmate who is in his 40’s and a very nice person was not going to make “pruno” with his apple! It was refreshing to see the CO had common sense and was not on a power trip.

As I was reading in my bunk, the CO informed me that I had a visitor waiting for me. I walked toward the visiting area and it was hard to believe the outside world does exist 1000 feet from my dormitory. As I entered the building I was greeted by a CO who directed me to the rules which I quickly scanned. The only rule I took note of was the restroom rule which stated that I could not use the restroom in the visitors area, only the one near the inmate entrance away from the visitors. I scanned the room and saw my visitor in the far left corner waving to me. I quickly made my way over and the next three hours flew by! My visitor who is a member of the GA Program was kind enough to buy me Ritz Crisps, sunflower kernels, and a diet 7-up (my first carbonated beverage in over 5 months) from the vending machines.

The visiting room was packed and we secured a spot in the back where we had no problem talking non-stop for the entire three hour visit. I have not spoken at length to this person ever and it is amazing because we have so many things in common such as our compulsive gambling addiction and recovery. We talked about these topics and much more. It was a great visit and I am truly fortunate to have so many incredible people in my life such as my visitor today. I have to thank the GA Program for teaching me a real recovery Program and bringing these great people into my life. As we spoke I was reminded of the Program and my recovery. Those 3 hours were like a GA meeting on steroids. As soon as we sat down and started talking I felt wonderful. This feeling lasted all afternoon long and well after the visit was complete. When it was over we hugged and wished each other well. If I am still here in March or April my visitor will come back and even if I am not here and at a fire camp my visitor will see me again.

This visit made my day and I can’t say it enough – the visit was EXCELLENT. We didn’t really know each other prior to the visit but by the time it was over we were old dear friends. Recovery is a remarkable process and I am so grateful to be a part of it. My horrible experience is starting to give way to some very incredible experiences. Today was one of those INCREDIBLE experiences and as long as I stay in recovery these will continue. There are some truly magnificent people in this world and today I was visited by one of them. The only negative was that I had to get up and go to the restroom twice which used up some valuable time because I didn’t want to stop the conversation. Fortunately when I got back we picked up right where we left off.

The visit was an exceptional way to spend a Sunday afternoon and at some point in our conversation I actually forgot where I was. I have not received a visit since I was transferred out of the county jail over 4 months ago. My last visit was from a dear friend and my first visitor here was from a dear new friend. I can’t state it enough how blessed I am and I owe it all to my recovery and the GA Program. Without my recovery and the Program I would be truly lost and lonely. Now thanks to these I have been found and I am certainly not alone. I would like to thank my visitor for brightening up my day and this Holiday Season. Thank you so very much!